Simple: Use all the different kinds of zeugma on the sheet in a paragraph or two of a short story or just a scene.
Try to fit it in naturally.
Topics for a scene: anything you like. Only remember: Show, Don't Tell!
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This is not about zeugma, but I just want to thank everyone at Thursday’s class.
It was an eye-opening experience.
To me, the story makes complete sense (of course, I wrote it), but listening someone saying otherwise, I have realised I did not think about the readers as much as I should have. How selfish!
Now I’m going to give it second thoughts and will revise, probably add a couple of episodes or so. (but not concrete ideas yet) Mmmmm.
Meanwhile I’ll try another story.
So thanks again, and I look forward to seeing your stories, too.
Rain swept the mountain; the wind, his cheeks. The mountain was shrouded in grey. John struggled with the tarp, held onto his hat, and just missed slipping into the gully. With a mighty blast, the wind knocked him from his feet and a branch from a tree high above.
Too late he saw the branch come crashing down, the tree rearing back and then the limb slash into his arm. The wind rose up, the trees bowed, the rain blew in sideways, unrelenting. He cradled his arm and his flashlight, hoping for any lull, any chance to erect some shelter from this cruel wind.
Bob had warned him about bears, Bill the unpredictable weather, Judy the dangers of hiking alone. Now, John faced the night, without shelter, the wind tearing at his only hope, a tattered tarp.
Hiromi,
Readers are a (mostly) patient lot, but Stacey's advice to trim extra words should help you to tighten it.
I'm not sure you need to add any more, though I'd like to see more writing like your first paragraph!
Hi everyone,
the following scene is the climax of my short story, using zeugma:
Clamorous rings forced her to get up. Mingling a jet lag and a hangover, she reluctanly reached her hand on the phone. It was already noon; her mother urged her to come over to the shop. Stumbling around, she dashed to the sidewalk. When she pushed the entrance door, the staff simultaneously gazed at her. Suddenly, a young man with a florist's apron stood infront of her, passing a dozen of fresh red roses and a Valentine Day's card, addressing, "These're from Alex."
The staff made a huge fuss of her, her mother at laughing, her father at barking. With a silence, they began to move on their job. He strode towards the entrance, ignoring her, the roses and the massage of Alex. She fixedly frowned and saw him off.
*I know the sentences are incomplete, so I'd be very glad if some of you give me suggestions.
Flying from Cuckoo nest
The hill is located in a hustling city and resides in an area of slums, but it faces a beautiful harbor which includes magnificent mountains standing on both sides, and seagulls with their gorgeous figures are flying above the sky. These make the harbor a wonderful paradise. The ocean smell and breeze gives people the feelings of relaxing and soothing.
Looking out of the window, Ms. Swanny is contemplating and imagining how free and happy life seagulls enjoy.
“ Um, this is for you; don’t wear your ugly, shameful underwear,” the mother-in-law, Worthwidow, shouts as she throws a piece of underwear which is much longer than the modern short style; its length is about down to half of the thigh.
“ If you give me $200,000, I would give up this family for you,” Worthwidow asks for money constantly, but Ms. Swanny just keeps quiet.
Worthwidow can’t stand her quiet, so she points her finger on Swanny’s forehead and says, “you don’t dream to have a good life,” then Worthwidow leaves for three days.
Worthwidow’s son, Dummin, tries to persuade his mother and says, “ Mom, please don’t gamble all night long; it will damage your health. You can use money to travel wherever you want.”
“ You fool dare to offend me like that. Oh! What a disobedient son I bring up! Oh!---how bitter life I have suffered since I got married at age 15! I would have remarried when I was still young but didn’t because of you. Don’t you believe a widow should be respected. Oh!---my God! Where is the justice? Where is your conscience?” She stomps very hard and cries loud then strikes on a table constantly that makes huge deafening sound. Dummin is struck dumb with horror. Worthwidow turns to Swanny and puts her finger at her forehead and shouts, “ look! this devil is a bad omen. We never have had peace since she has entered in this family.” Swanny runs out to balcony with tears falling like a broken pearl necklace. Worthwidow follows behind and yells, “You dare to interfere with my gambling; you will taste your own medicine.” Then she turns to Dummin and orders, “Lock her up in the room; forbid her to go out.” Then she is in a hurry to go gambling, and Dummin is busy on his drawing.
As usual, Worthwidow gathers many of her gambling friends to have a meal at her home.
“No one is as slow and stupid as you are; someone awkward like this should go to hell.” Worthwidow scolds her daughter-in-law loud as she comes to the kitchen to bring dishes for her friends.
The gambling group eats like a horse, and they criticize that the food is not salty or not oily enough. Later, they warn each other, “ Educated woman is nothing; don’t let your sons marry with educated women.” Some of them try to show their cleverness and say, “ Rich family is very stingy; they won’t allow daughter to inherit their properties. See! Worthwidow’s daughter-in-law even don’t have dowry and dares to complain about her gambling. The world seems like turning upside down if you have daughter-in-law like this.”
One evening, the moon is full, so the harbor is as shiny as day time. The breeze makes the night cool and comfortable. Dummin and Swanny enjoy this peaceful night on their balcony silently. Swanny breaks the silence and says, “Should our family live here forever?” Dummin keeps quiet, but Swanny continues, “ How about our children’s future? Is it their destiny to live in this circumstance? Don’t you think we should move out?”
Dummin with a surprised face towards her and answers, “ You marry me not my family. The most important thing is my love. I am the only son of my mother. You, being a daughter-in-law, should take responsibility to look after her. Then I can focus on my art work.”
Next year, Dummin changes his job to work in the other city where he needs to commute 90 km from his hometown, so he comes back once a week. One day, he comes back at late night on Saturday, then next early morning he complains to Swanny, “ What a cruel mother you are! Why you starve my son to become skinny?”
“ I am his bio-mother, please go to school to take a look. Our son is the tallest and strongest one in the class.” Swanny talks back loud, then she goes out to the balcony where she likes to view the peaceful seagulls flying.
After discussion to build their own family failed several times, quarrels or arguments almost become regular events between them.
“ I have never seen him study hard, you should hang him up and beat him for punishment. Don’t you know ‘ spare the rod, spoil the child’, Are you qualified being a mother?” Dummin complains his son regularly until Swanny couldn’t stand. Then she shouts at him, “ You are the only one who should be hung up and beaten. Beating is unnecessary for good boys, but useless for bad boys.”
“ What a shameful evil creatures they are! Boy and girl locked in a room. You can image what is going on. Their grandmother caught them in action. Don’t you appreciate how important role my mother acts in this family? Look at yourself, what kind of role you act ! Are you qualified to be a mother?” He keeps making this nasty disturbing comment until Swanny couldn’t endure it because it causes her not to sleep well since then. During a long weekend, Swanny calls her 15-year-old daughter Sherry to come to her room and asks, “ Were you and your brother locked in your room approximately one month ago?”
“Yes, what is wrong with it?” Sherry answers it bluntly.
“ Why didn’t you open the door immediately when your grandmom knocked on the door?” Swanny continues.
“ I was doing my homework and had to finish a couple words, but it didn’t take too long.” Sherry still couldn’t figure out what is her mother’s purpose.
“ What was your brother doing in your room?” Swanny asks.
“ He just took a nap, but it didn’t bother me. Is anything wrong? Why you ask so much ?” she asks impatiently.
“ Nothing, I just want to know what you guys were doing in case something happen to you.” Swanny makes this excuse.
Then she calls her 13-year-old son Andy; she goes on the same questions.
“ Why didn’t you take a nap in your own room?” Swanny asks.
“ Grandmom always bother me whenever I do my homework or take a nap. I supposed she wouldn’t suspect me hiding in girl’s room, but I still afraid she might come, so I locked the door. What is wrong with it?” He is also confused by Swanny’s question.
“Were you aware when she knocked on the door?” Swanny asks.
” She woke me up and kicked me out of the room. That’s all.” Andy answers it with an unhappy appearance. Swanny let him go and turns to Dummin then says, “ Are you qualified being a father in the family and professor in the university with a blind mind like this.”
As usual, Worthwidow enters in Swanny’s room and snatches money from her purse in the early morning when she is sleeping. If Swanny wakes up, Worthwidow just grins and says,” I am going shopping for some grocery for you.” Swanny never says any word but deposits her money in ATM after she collects cash from her aerobic classes everyday. She leaves some for her mother-in-law to snatch in order to keep a peace.
“ Family should live together? Swanny suggests when Dummin complains that 12 years commuting lifestyle makes him feel sick.
After they decide to move together, Swanny provides all her savings and expects to have a united family. During her pregnancy, Dummin offers to register papers for Swanny and asks for her registered chop.
When Swanny moves to the new house, she receives the property statement that has been registered under Dummin’s name. She has to pretend nothing is wrong, but she knows the only thing she can do is to concentrate on her aerobic classes. She is crazy for her prosperous business and activities.
“ Beat her! Beat her! Go dancing, shame on you! Oh!--- how shame and evil you are! You should hang up yourself in the darkest forest without carrying any ID. Oh!---what a bad fortune my family suffered!” Worthwidow shouts as loud as possible when Dummin starts beating Swanny, and she pulls her hair down to hit the floor. Then they work together for the beating. It causes Swanny to lie on the bed with a headache and sore body for a couple weeks. After the serious heartless striking, Swanny has never had any quarrel or argue in her family. She keeps working hard to make money day and night, and she remembers to leave some cash to be snatched.
“Children are very excellent; two of them have graduated from the highest national university. They need to study more.” Swanny suggests that children need to study abroad and asks for permission.
“ Flying----flying out of cuckoo nest” Swanny couldn’t hide her excitement when she arrives at the airport.
Brad, I know this story is not as shorter as you required.I am unable to make it shorter although I have tried my best. Sorry.
Ritsuko, my comments inside brackets and after your writing. Thanks for taking up the challenge!
Clamorous rings forced her to get up. Mingling a jet lag and a hangover, she reluctantly reached [her hand on-for] the phone. It was already noon; her mother urged her to come over to the shop. Stumbling around, she dashed to the sidewalk. [Two things happening here. I don’t think they should be in the same sentence] When she pushed the entrance door, the staff simultaneously gazed at her. [I get your idea, but is it possible? Maybe “looked up and stared”? Try to do most things without an adverb if possible.] Suddenly, a young man with a florist's apron stood in front of her, passing a dozen of fresh red roses and a Valentine Day's card, addressing [saying], "These're from Alex."
The staff made a huge fuss of her, her mother at laughing, her father at barking. [Remember that in this form of Zeugma you need to have all apply to single verb, in this case “made” Rewrite I think.] With a silence, they began to move on their job. [they “went back to work in silence” maybe?] He [who?] strode towards the entrance, ignoring her, the roses and the massage of Alex [Alex’s massage; avoid rephrasing in this way]. She fixedly frowned and saw him off. [why not just “frowned”?]
Ritsuko: I find the details interesting and want to know more. Maybe I need to see the full story to really “get” it!
Suzanne,
After reading the story, I’m still frustrated because Swanny remains to be a same dumb chick.
Sure she goes to overseas with kids, but doesn’t she know her husband and mother-in-low will follow her soon? Like a week after her departure if they like?
I mean, why she stays with him? He beats her with the old witch! And why she doesn’t say anything about her name not on the property statement or the mother-in-law’s stealing money from her purse? I can’t be sympathetic to her.
Other stuff:
Rather than "The hill", "the city" probably will work better for the subject. Like:
The hustling city is located on the hill with slums....
You can delete "These make the harbor a wonderful paradise." because you are already showing.
Whose underwear the mother-in-law is throwing? Is it hers? I guess, then, it’s new or old? (Sorry, I’d like to know.)
I think description of the mother-in-law and the husband is very good; they are soooo obnoxious. Compared to that, the protagonist—Swanny—is a bit weak. I need a good reason why she endures all that.
Also, you can trim the conversations. Cut a lot. Especially the part children are explaining why they were in the room. (Maybe you can cut a whole children part and concentrate on the husband and mother-in-law?)
Oh! I very very like “tears falling like a broken pearl necklace.” Hummm, I might use it somewhere.
I have more to say, but maybe on Thursday. Thanks, Suzanne.
And Ritchan,
Yeah, I want to see a whole thing!
Brad,
Can I have a copy of “I Stand Here Ironing” if you have an extra?
Me, too!
I was going to ask the copy of "I Stand Here Ironing" to Brad.
Or can I see it on the net?
And thanks for your comment, Hiromi and Brad. I'm not satisfied with the beginning scene of my story,(I'm still rewriting it!) so I'll post the whole story later...
Hiromi, Thank you for your opinion.
Since Swanny has made her mind to fly, she has to concentrate on making money in order to survive abroad. She also has to wait until it is good time to progress her plan. If she couldn't endure the abuse but fight against them, she would be a big looser in her life. Her mother-in-law always get support from the gambling group, who are either rascals or prostitutes. Swanny would worry about the murder issue. If she was murdered, her kids would have suffered next. She has immigrated without including her mother-in-law, but she asked her husband to keep it secret. She persuaded him by the words," Don't count your chicken before they are hatched." Her mother-in-law is uneducated, her husband doesn't speak English, and her children don't want to talk with them. Now she is free away from them.
One more thing is the underweae that her mother-in-law might buy from somewhere in the countryside because it couldn't be found in a modern city.
Ritsuko, I think the roses accompany with a massage from Alex that massage is a misspelling of message, right?
Right, that was my misspelling, Susanne--thanks.
To emphasize her father's blunt action, I wrote the sentence in that way...but I'll revise it.
I've just finished to read your wonderful story, so I'd like to comment it after I could organize my thoughs of your writing.
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