*****
Stacey's posted a new draft of her story with an ending as of last night. I moved it here so everyone finds it easily. Click on "Comments" to read it.
NEW: Brad's edit with suggestions.
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A place for Writing 12 students to read each other's writing, to critique, to suggest, to improve.
About Me
- Brad
- Former adult teacher who loves island beaches. Happy homebody and family man; once devoted dog owner, now without Tashi, my Tibetan Terrier. I prefer the absurdity of the imagination to the absurdity of imagining nothing.
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2006
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November
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- An Exercise to Develop "Voice" in Writing
- Reader Comments for Brad's Story, "The Bike"
- Reader Comments for Larry's Story, "Einstein"
- Reader Comments for James' Story, "The Corner"
- Reader Comments for Catherine's Story, "Dreamers"
- Reader Comments for Hiromi's story, "Her Own Two F...
- Reader Comments for "Cute Sonya"
- Reader Comments for "Once Upon a Time" (NEW DRAFT)
- Put Reader-Based Feedback Here for "Flying from Cu...
- Put Reader-Based Feedback Here for "The Warm Resta...
- Copying Text from Comments
- Zeugma Zeugma Zeugma (Challenge Anyone?)
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November
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16 comments:
Hi, Stacey;
Though your story is not over, I dare say it will be the best one. Fairy tale is always my favorite because it is pure and sincere.
I love Ralph, even his he is “wasn't quite ripe and mostly green and had way too many eyes”. His appearance might be is not good, but his heart is much better than his sisters and bothers. Thought they often “teased him about his appearance and general personality”, Ralph wants to do something to please them. How wonderful thing he is! I can’t say I don’t love him.
I love your idea and vivid depiction. Please go on; I couldn’t wait!
1.
I’m sympathetic to him and excited about Ralph’s adventure. I hope he would overcome obstacles and find his happiness.
2.
I like Red Pepper’s description: “Her eyes sparkled blue….she blinked.” I can see the bright colours, red, blue, and black of her lashes. It’s vivid and fun and cute.
3.
Ralph, who is desperate for acceptance from his siblings, hits the road for the giant hulking castle. Then he meets beautiful Red Pepper. I expect he would encounter many obstacles and find out his strength, and finally be happy with himself.
I’m also very curious about Red Pepper. Is she a true darling, or just a bad apple?
I look forward to seeing the rest!
I would think the writer of this story was J.K.Rowling if i was not told it was my classmate,Stacey. The writer is so sophisticated at using language and imagining. I couldn't help to laugh at the description about Ralp,a lovely small potato. He "thought himself quite ugly." He "had way too many eyes." "Everyday Ralpn would climb a corn stalk to look over the valley...."What a description!Stacy has given a potato a life making him jumped out from the paper.
I was very sympathetic when i read "I bet if I could get into that castle and steal something to bring back to my ousy brothers and sisters they'd like me," i used to think and act in this way when i was young.
can't wait to read the rest of story!
Here's Stacey's new version:
Hi everybody. I finally got around to finishing my story. Brad, for some reason i'm unable to use my word program while i'm commenting. Hope I did ok with the spelling and grammar.
Once Upon A Time.
Once upon a time in a vast green valley, there lived a potato named Ralph. He was one of many siblings and thought himself quite ugly. He wasn't quite ripe and mostly green and had way too many eyes. Half the time he didn't know which way was up. Such was his vision, if you can imagine. His Mother was the only one to show him any love or appreciation at all.
His brothers and sisters often teased him about his appearance and general personality. How could he though be happy when his life was so miserable? It was all too easy for Ralph to believe what others said about him. He heard it so often and from so many. Every day Ralph would climb a humungous corn stalk to look over the valley at the giant hulking castle far off in the distance. It must have been a half-million miles away and still its shadow cast itself upon the earth below the corn stalk where Ralph was now clinging.
"I bet if I could get into that castle and steal something to bring back to my lousy brothers and sisters they'd like me." "I just bet!" Ralph decided to consult with his friend Myles the carrot so he could figure out a way to get there.
"Are you off your nut?" Asked Myles encredulously. "First, how do you expect to get all the way there?" "And then, how're you gonna get in?" "And what happens if the ginormous people who live there decide to make you a part of their dinner?"
"I've thought of all that." Replied Ralph resolutely. "I need to do this." "I just have to." "Whatever happens happens."
There was nothing Myles could say that would change Ralph's mind. so he helped him sneak out that night. No easy task, considering how many potatoes happened to live at Ralph's house. And so Ralph set off in search of adventure. The valley was a myriad of strange noises in the dark. Ralph had never paid attention to the screeches of owls or the whispering of the wind. He had never ventured out at night before. Ahead there was a steady, pounding beat. Ralph could barely make out a flashing neon sign in the distance. Who was he kidding? He couldn't read a sign dead-ahead of him if his life depended on it. "Darn all these eyes!" He lamented to himself.
"Hiya sweetheart." "Where ya head'n?" A decidedly female voice purred from just behind Ralph. He jumped, tripped, and fell flat on his face. "Wha, wha, wha do you want?" Ralph stammered. A red pepper stood there. She was the most beautiful creature Ralph had ever laid all his eyes on. She was a deep, vivid red. Her eyes sparkled blue like the summer sky and her lashes were so long they caused a breeze when she blinked. Even so Ralph still worried that she might want to rob him.
"I don't have any money lady." Ralph said matter-of-factly. The pepper smiled and offered him a slender, gloved hand up and out of the dirt.
"Aww honey, I don't want your money." "I was just wondering what a young spud like you was doing way out in this part of the valley at night." "Does your Mama know you're out and about?" Ralph was awed by her presence and all he could muster was a gurgling noise at the back of his throat.
"Ok love, you follow me and we'll get you a nice cup of cocoa, a snug place to sleep and you can tell ole fayth all your troubles in your own time."
Ralph allowed himself to be led forward. Something about Fayth's manner lent a feeling of security and comfort. Nearer and nearer they came until at last they stood before the neon sign Ralph had seen some distance back. Loud music blasted out of the open doors. Ralph could feel it vibrating through his body. He focused all his energy into reading that sign. He closed twelve of his eyes, leaving two to do the work. The bright flashing letters finally crystalized in Ralph's eyes.
"The Purple Fizz!" Ralph exclaimed proudly.
"Yes, thats what it says hon." "By the way Spud, you got a name?"
"Oh sorry" Ralph muttered. "My name is Ralph."
"Ok kiddo, lets get you that cocoa and you can tell me your story."
They walked through the door of the Purple Fizz and met with complete, absolute, and utter silence. No music, no people, no nothing. Empty bar stools, tables and dance floor. Not understanding and totally shocked Ralph collapsed where he stood. His last thoughts before losing consciousness were of his friend Myles' words... "What if the ginormous people who live there decide to make you part of thier dinner?" Darkness after that, somehow sleep and strange dreams.
Ralph was walking through his very own nieghborhood in the corn field. There were signs everywhere. He was trying very hard to read the words but all he could make out were the drawings. They were all pictures of him. The artwork was familiar. He realized it was his brothers and sisters handiwork. Ralph felt something small and light land on his shoulder and a friendly voice began reading into his ear.
"Please call if you've seen our brother." The sign read. "He is not quite ripe and mostly green and has way too many eyes but we love him to the castle and back and we want him home."
"Theres a number at the bottom" the little voice in Ralph's ear intoned.
"You want me to read it for you?"
A joyous feeling was creeping into Ralph's heart. He gently took the little spider off his shoulder and set him down on a nearby leaf.
"I think I'll try to read it for myself." Ralph closed twelve of his eyes, leaving two to do the work. 555-5555 was the phone number. A huge pain began in Ralph's head and the earth seemed to spin. Voices, many voices, all vague and indistinct at first reached him on some subconscious level.
He slowly opened his eyes and found himself at the bottom of a huge corn stalk. He sat up and groaned as the pain reaserted itself into his head. All his brothers and sisters were there. Some of them were crying. All were telling him much they loved him and how sorry they were to have ever called him names or treated him badly.
A beautiful red pepper wearing a white coat stood comforting Ralph's mother. She came closer and put a stethoscope to his chest.
"I think you're gonna be just fine sweetie," she purred. "If I were you though, I'd stay off those corn stalks." "They can be dangerous y'know?"
Hi, Stacey:
1. Poor Ralph, will he do something to prove himself?
2. "cast itself upon" and
"clinging". It's so vivid, and I can easily imagine it. I also like the sound "k". I think the "clinging" has two meanings: one is Ralph trying to hold the corn stalk. The other is trying to be held by his family.
3. The first two paragraph wrote that potato Ralph is ugly and only his mom showed him love. I expected that Potato Ralph would be "the ugly duckling" or something like that.
4. After we lost something, we found out how important they are.
5.I like your story and the ending very much.
In my opinion, I like to change the word "steal" into "earn" from the first sentence of the third paragraph.
Hi Brad.
Hope your day is going well. I was wondering if you could do an edit of this story or maybe the one about Scott Rd Station. I thought what you did with Hiromi's story was really cool and it was so clear in the directions and suggestions.
Also I wanted to say that I really appreciate all the nice things folks have been saying about Once Upon A Time, but I could really use some constructive critisism. And Hiromi...if you're reading this... you're a wicked writer, really talented. I thought your story was awsome.
Stacey,
I'm working on an edit. As you can imagine, doing one is quite time-consuming! I'll do it once for each student (at minimum) over the term, but no promises on a second time!
If a work needs a lot of grammatical polishing, then I'll wait until further edits before I jump in with stylistic advice. So, it may be a while before I get around to everyone.
For a piece that's pretty near ready, we might try doing an edit like this in class before the Christmas break.
1.I felt happy with the childish fable.
2."Damn all these eyes!"
It is funny and well expressed about the angush of Ralph. Potato,carrot, and pepper are familiar with me than rabbit or pig.
3.Ralph,ugly potato,carries out the first adventure to the castle.He will succeed in his journey and be proud of himself.
4.Ralph finds he is the most valuable figure in his family.
5.I love happy ending especially in the fable.
4.
The story tells me that often life seems tough, people too hard on you, but actually, it isn’t that bad if you take a good look around you. So, relax!
5.
I like the ending and am happy for Ralph. The fact that the story doesn’t turn as I expected is a delight, although I wanted to see what’s in the castle and still do.
I like Pepper’s “gloved hand.” Nice touch. I imagine white gloves like Mickey Mouse’s.
I like the sibling’s “handiwork” part, and I think Ralph needs to see it with his own eyes. Not in his unconsciousness. For real!
Red Pepper’s role is somewhat unclear to me. I know she is a fairy god mother figure. But is she really a doctor, an owner of a night club, or a therapist? (or all of that, probably. I may be concerning too much....)
I think if you trim this really short and simple, with only those words that sparkle and count, it would be a wonderful story for a picture book. Kids and parents will love it. (I might let go of Myles, though.)
I love the phrase: “mostly green and too many eyes.”!
He might not like it, but it’s the cutest part of him.
Hi Brad.
I'll be a half-hour late tomorrow.
Stacey. (not wordy at all huh?)ha,ha.
Hi, Stacey:
How lucky your son is, because he has a mother who is so good at creating story. I guess you probably have saved a lot of money from buying story books for you son.
“He closed twelve of his eyes, leaving two to do the work,” Ha-ha, how funny and vivid description it is. Today, I originally wanted to make some potatoes being a part of my dinner; however, when I opened the refrigerator, I seemed to feel there were many eyes were watching me from the refrigerator. Stacey, you have made me don’t dare to eat potatoes from now on.
Coming back to the story, I don’t quite understand why Ralph lose consciousness suddenly? Did he drink the cocoa that contained some hypnotic?
On the other hand, I don’t agree with what May said “I like to change the word ‘steal’ into ‘earn’” I like the word “steal” very much. It makes Ralph more vivid, lovely and real. We don’t need to make Ralph as a hero or a moralist; he just is a normal and potato.
Stacey:
You help me a lot on my story, thanks again!
I enjoy your little potato’s story very much, but I don’t know what happened in the empty pub. Could you give us more details?
An insightful Happiness-Seeking story! Looking for one's real joy from his inside-world.
We don't find happy life but we are worth it.
Appearance can not take place of the reality. Ralph does not need to "steal" something in the castle to prove himself and his existence. He has nothing to prove but be happy with what he is !
A mearningful message from Stacey!
Hello Brad.
My son has been here all week because of the snow where his father lives and no electricity. I was wondering if you could let me know if we're doing anything new tomorrow? If we are I will find someone to baby-sit as I really enjoy class and don't want to miss it. Hope to hear from you soon.
Stacey.
Yes, we'll be doing something new. As well, I've made a compilation of the different bits of writing that you can submit.
We will continue with simile, but will do an exercise on voice (both in class and as a new piece as well)
hi Sracy,
your story is very crative and the ideas are great."Does your Mama know you're out and about?" I like this sentence because it sounds good and there are also some other sentences that sounds rally good.
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