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A place for Writing 12 students to read each other's writing, to critique, to suggest, to improve.
About Me
- Brad
- Former adult teacher who loves island beaches. Happy homebody and family man; once devoted dog owner, now without Tashi, my Tibetan Terrier. I prefer the absurdity of the imagination to the absurdity of imagining nothing.
LInks
Blog Archive
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2006
(31)
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November
(12)
- An Exercise to Develop "Voice" in Writing
- Reader Comments for Brad's Story, "The Bike"
- Reader Comments for Larry's Story, "Einstein"
- Reader Comments for James' Story, "The Corner"
- Reader Comments for Catherine's Story, "Dreamers"
- Reader Comments for Hiromi's story, "Her Own Two F...
- Reader Comments for "Cute Sonya"
- Reader Comments for "Once Upon a Time" (NEW DRAFT)
- Put Reader-Based Feedback Here for "Flying from Cu...
- Put Reader-Based Feedback Here for "The Warm Resta...
- Copying Text from Comments
- Zeugma Zeugma Zeugma (Challenge Anyone?)
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November
(12)
8 comments:
The Corner
It was morning and a faintly magenta sky subtly gave way to a pale sunrise, though it still gleamed over the smooth black road below. Along the flawless concrete was a row of two story buildings that were ivory with shining silver trim around their glinting blue windows, each lacking any imperfection so that their surface seemed metallic. Adjacent buildings rose high over the houses, pillars of white and each without a single crack or smudge. A red door slid open from one of the rounded houses as a slender boy with golden brown hair began down the even concrete steps.
The days events would soon be marked as some of his finest achievements, the boy's first thoughts out the door, as the new semester would be starting today and would invite grand new challenges to be faced. His life over the brief break between semesters had been uneventful, spending time at home with family and friends. He could now only focus on the excitement that his schooling would bring, and that came with enduring the challenge ahead.
The boy checked to make sure he had his identification card needed to enter the complex. William Manson, number 20083, read the card as he glanced for a moment. In the glint of the ruby red card Will envisioned the familiarity of the other students’ faces, and the brilliantly lit hallways of the school. Will started down the road towards the school which had been named Xi. A baby blue comet rushed past him, once again bringing him to a pause.” Such a nice auto" Will wondered aloud, turning round to admire the sleek body of that glorious machine. The boy often admired how paradise afforded everyone schools, homes and lofty positions with the car being one of the more ostentatious luxuries afforded to some of the people of Omicron City. The boy was left with a hint of jealously over the niceties of the technical caste, even though he had been over this many times before in his mind, and once again concluding that such pursuits would not lead him to find his place in society. Soon he lost track of the car along the walk and began recounting questions that often seeped into his thoughts, with one in particular. How in a fair society with wondrous technology as our birthright are some afforded luxuries others can only dream of? It was an only a quick moment for Will's train of thought to snap, as if cracked by a bullwhip. He decided that it would was in everyone's best interest to not have such concerns. His family did not often speak openly about the finer points of the society’s castes.
Will passed the blocks of rounded homesteads, and began to see increasingly taller and ornate buildings that rose above further sleek automobiles.
Xi's shining silver panelling and transparent glass structure were in Will's sight, when he realised that there were no longer sharply dressed citizens walking the streets. This left a disturbing chill in the air, as this could only mean that Omicron was under emergency lockdown. His school was just across street, and the symbol to walk had appeared on the light. Will didn't know what the reason for the lockdown was, except that he must reach the school where it would be explained. It was on that final corner that Will was suddenly face to face with an older man with white hair and a long beard, dressed in the same form fitting garb of all those that had been on the street.
"Help me son" he gasped, falling onto Will's slight frame. Will noticed a distinct energy burn across the man's chest. "We'll get you to the hospital" Will replied firmly with an air of exasperation. He took the man's arm over his shoulder and began back the way he came, toward the Omicron medical facility. The thought of being away from his post at school during a lockdown was very discomforting, but compassion for other citizens was stressed as much as duty. "What happ-" Will began hurriedly, when a booming voice revealed the looming figures behind him. "Desist citizen" spoke a loud and commanding voice, which was disturbingly monotone. Will began to envision scenarios that would explain why this man had been shot in the city plaza during a lockdown Ashe turned to face the intimidatingly large men behind him. He now stood before two towering figures, easily seven feet tall clad in gleaming black with red v neck armor and ghostly gas masks hiding their faces.
"No, please!" shouted the old man over Will's shoulder with simpering desperation. "There is an emergency lockdown of all citizens” boomed the overshadowing figure. "Listen, we have to -" Will began but was interrupted. "Release this fugitive and you will not be harmed." "No, they'll kill me" the old man sputtered, now whimpering, but Will had already let him slump to the ground under his own weight. Black and red were the colours of Helix's police force, and Will instinctively, would not argue. He had never seen men so large with concealed faces before, and nor to his knowledge had the police ever made reference to someone being a fugitive at large. The punishment for being away from one's position during a lockdown was not death, and Will couldn't help but wonder what this man had done to have found himself in this precarious position. It was then that one of the hulking soldiers took aim with his energy weapon and delivered two more killing shots to the poor man, who screamed weakly as he expired. "Identification citizen" the ghastly officer spoke again without tone variation. Will produced his card immediately as fear for his own safety creeped sullenly upon him. The man took the ID and promptly scanned it with a device from his belt, then spoke to the other man beside him "this one is a candidate for the defender caste." "You are free to go" said the brutish figure "You saw nothing here today." With that one of the officers heaved the old man's body over his shoulder, and then the two turned and started down the road perpendicular to Will's school. The school. That was where Maverick would reveal what is going on, Will thought. The head of government, Johnathan Maverick III, was always kind and dignified. There would be a grand explanation waiting on Xi's information HUD, there must be. Will stood paralyzed on the corner, thoughts racing. There are new soldiers, innocent people are now fugitives, and the lockdown. Will could see green grass just outside the school though he wondered if after all he'd seen, would class even be there when he arrived? He was late by now, and he had surely violated lockdown. Will had never taken a lashing for administrative punishment before, and was growing rather worried. Wrestling panic and any other thought from his mind, he ran across the street and to the large sliding doors of the education center. "Welcome" a gentle female voice echoed from the display adjacent to the doors. The display read lockdown in effect from all four corners. “Please present you identification." Will was only ten minutes late, and he thought that perhaps he could still avoid the repercussions. He brought out the ID and scanned it. "Welcome William Manson, you have been excused for your lateness, please enjoy your day." Will breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps luck was on his side after all. The first class of his grade eleven year was history 101, but like everyone else during a lockdown, he would check the school's display for instructions and hopefully an answer to what he witnessed. Still gaunt from seeing a seemingly innocent man gunned down, Will passed through the sliding doors. The hallway was a brilliant white with blue lining down the center, branching off into the various sections of the complex. It was familiar, though the day was anything but ordinary. A large group of students had gathered in front of the school's main display, indicating that classes had not proceeded as usual. "now is not the time to question our leadership" spoke a sharp image of Jonathan Maverick. "The technologies we have come to rely upon have never failed us." "We are a free and peaceful society and there will be a time for protest, but now is a time to keep our faith." "Faith in that which we hold so dear, our civilization." "Know that our leaders have not steered us wrong, and even now, we work to root out those who have forsaken our birthright."The lockdown will end in moments, and in moments we shall once again have peace, good day. “A quick cheer erupted amongst the students, as was customary when Maverick concluded a speech. Will was shaken. What about the killing machines he witnessed earlier? A pleading old man couldn't have been what was meant by forsaken, and violence was not the usual policy for dealing with criminals. This was all too much for Will to take in, as he like everyone, believed strongly in the leadership of Helix. His distraught confusion was short lived however, as the school's female personality chimed in "Students, please report to assigned classrooms, entrance exams for technical candidates will begin momentarily thank you." Will was candidate for defender and labour castes, perhaps the lowliest position, in his opinion. After a brief mental hiccough at the notion of becoming a labourer, Will breathed a second sigh of relief at the sight of a familiar face. It was his good friend Nick Sutherland. "Hey Will" Nick spoke, pausing for a moment to notice that his friend was visibly shaken. "What is going on?" he continued. "This year is going to be the finest yet, cheer up." "Listen" Will began, dragging Nick off to the side of the hall. "Listen" Nick retorted, "We need to get to history." "Ok" replied Will, "We'll speak on the way. “The two began down the brightly lit halls through the crowd of students making their way to class. “Attention citizens" the school's voice spoke, "Lockdown has been lifted, have a nice day." The two continued past silver sliding doors that lead to various classrooms. "Nick, we'll catch up later but I need to tell you" Will stammered. "Ok, ok out with it" Nick offered. "I ran into the police outside during the lockdown." "That isn't unusual man" Nick replied cockeyed. "No, these men were different." "They stood at least eight feet, and their faces where covered with masks." "They killed a man Nick, he was standing two feet from me!" Nick took a moment to position his shaggy brown hair, looking somewhat skeptical. "You expect me to believe that Helix officers executed a citizen in broad daylight?" "People are entitled to a fair trial Will." "Nick, please!" Will said desperately. "There is more to today's events than Maverick spoke of!" The two were nearly at the doors to their class. "Will, I believe you, but perhaps now is not the time for protest and we've been awaiting this class." "You're right." The two long time friends passed through the doors and into the classroom, which was more like an auditorium. The seats were jet black leather and the desk panels were maple, running from wall to wall. Students had already taken many of the seats, with Nick and Will following suit. The professor stood at the front of the room, already prepared for the class at hand. She was dressed in a form fitting black shirt with red accents, and a neat black skirt. The class settled immediately without need for an introduction. "Welcome to history 101." "You all must pass this course for advancement to your rightful place in society, and so we begin." "I'll start with an old earth phrase, this will be the nitty-gritty.
Hi, James:
Probably my English is not good enough to read such profound story, too many new vocabularies to me. However, I’ve learnt a lot of ways and words of description and expression from James’ writing. For example, “thought racing” “in broad daylight” “to position his shaggy brown hair”, etc.
I'll read it again at my leisure time to see if i could understand it better.
I like these fancy imaginations; it is a wonderful science fiction story.
At the first school day, William Manson witnesses a strange tragedy: two police men— “seven feet tall clad in gleaming black with red v neck armor and ghostly gas masks” —killed an old man by “energy weapon”.
As a “slender boy”, he “would not argue” and wonders “what this man had done”. William and his friend Nick think, “People are entitled to a fair trial”. So they will find “the nitty-gritty”.
James is also good at using adjectives to show the views, buildings, and peoples.
"The Corner"is a very creative story which includes a bunch of scientific and mysterious imaginations. It seems to me that is a movie script to visualize all the different scenes and characters with precise description. Do you think the hierarchies system is still dominating in the world by a invisible or transformed way?
A wonderful and meaningful science-fiction story! The history is made by powerful people in any society. It is such a great idea to name the grade 11 students' history class by "History 101". It means the 101st version of the history!
William holds the truth of what has happended in town. This young hero, full of sense of compassion, feels that he has to do something to stop the lie. However, his actual "rightful place in the society" is merely the classroom.
Hopefully, the sight of truth can make William a clear-minded and strong and brave man in the future.
I’m intrigued. This is something I don’t usually read, so it’s fresh, a breeze.
Not only the setting “metallic,” I get the same feeling from the style of writing, too. And it’s suited to the contents, I think.
Too many adverbs, maybe? That’s my first impression.
"It was morning" is unnecessary because the description of the morning follows. Start with "A faintly magenta sky subtly gave away..." (Two adverbs already! It bugs me! But then, it might be just a personal preference.)
I like the boy’s words: “Such a nice auto.” I can picture his dreamy, wondering eyes with awe.
So I thought, because the dialogue has it already, you don’t need “admire” or “glorious”?
Just say: “Such a nice auto,” he sighed, turning around to the sleek body of the machine. (Then again, this is too short, huh?)
I like “compassion for other citizens was stressed as much as duty.” Hummmmm.
Also I like the name, “Johnathan Maverick III.” Cool!
I imagined the police wearing Mobile Suits like Gundam. Haha.
I understand this is the first chapter of the story. It seems like it’s going to be a big volume; I see a lot of stuff going on. And I’m wondering how you’re going to pull this off. Interesting!
Look forward to seeing the next instalment!
(And please describe “a neat black skirt,” will you?)
First of all, the story “The Corner” makes me dizzy. It’s a hard, complicated story (to me) about criticizing the society which has the unequal structure of the society and the unjustified behavior of “police force.” He follows basic essay structures which are
introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion even though second body paragraph is longer than first one. His dialogues are very natural. I found some mistakes “would was(be)” and “envision(spelling error).
Hi, James:
I like your story, but could you please explain the meaning of “an old earth phrase” and "That isn't unusual man" for me? Suzanne also have asked me about that.
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