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A place for Writing 12 students to read each other's writing, to critique, to suggest, to improve.
About Me
- Brad
- Former adult teacher who loves island beaches. Happy homebody and family man; once devoted dog owner, now without Tashi, my Tibetan Terrier. I prefer the absurdity of the imagination to the absurdity of imagining nothing.
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Blog Archive
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2006
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November
(12)
- An Exercise to Develop "Voice" in Writing
- Reader Comments for Brad's Story, "The Bike"
- Reader Comments for Larry's Story, "Einstein"
- Reader Comments for James' Story, "The Corner"
- Reader Comments for Catherine's Story, "Dreamers"
- Reader Comments for Hiromi's story, "Her Own Two F...
- Reader Comments for "Cute Sonya"
- Reader Comments for "Once Upon a Time" (NEW DRAFT)
- Put Reader-Based Feedback Here for "Flying from Cu...
- Put Reader-Based Feedback Here for "The Warm Resta...
- Copying Text from Comments
- Zeugma Zeugma Zeugma (Challenge Anyone?)
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November
(12)
11 comments:
Hi, Rasaria:
I usually can't read line by line on the screen, but I read your story word by word without distracting by anything.
It's really a "warm restaurant". I feel so happy about the simblings, and moved by Julia!
Great idea, Rosaria!
Brief and short dialogues make Rosaria's writing a tiny piece of silky cotton - warm and soft. Precisely, the main character: Julia appears in front of us just like a piece of cotton- kind and simple. This piece of cotton comforts the stomaches of the kids, also fills their hearts with joy and positive energy.
I like very much the describtion of "...and their cheeks flushed like a peach."
A suggestion: the reader wants to know more about Julia's reflections regarding the conversation of the kids. How comes her decision to help them.
It’s a warm story of three poor siblings with “knitted gloves” for Sean’s birthday present. When Angela said, “let’s order two shanghais noodle because I had some snack at my work,” my eyes get warm. I can see through the sentence how much they are poor and doesn’t have enough money even though it’s Sean’s birthday- memorable part of the story “The Warm Restaurant.” The beginning of the story starts with three siblings entering in Julia’s restaurant for celebrating Sean’s birthday. I expect they have a good fortune at the restaurant and a happy ending- meeting a rich relative in the restaurant. The last part of the story finishes with a abrupt ending, a situational irony, I don’t know Julia has never met the three poor siblings, but she does right thing for them and it makes the story more warm like a cup of hot chocolate in our life time.
Hi, Helena:
I think it's just the sympathy and kindness naturally floating from Julia...
Hello! May,
Thank you for your indications. However, I insist that writing more about Julia's mental process facing the kids who lost their mother, will be very meaningful and tasting. That is the beauty of the literature - human's wholeness and subtleties in his mental world.
Hi, Rosaria, my comment is followed in "Reder-Based Feedback".
1. To be honest, at the beginning of your story, I wasn't sure the restaurant would be warm. Probably, the words you use in the sentences hide the truth. For example, the youngs enter the restaurant "cautiously," and Julia "[points]" the table in the "corner". I expect to see her gentle manner or hear her cheerful voice to feel a warm air in the restaurant.
2. I agree with Choi's comment. " Let's order...before." This is a memorable dialog because it reveals the kids' internal conflict as well as their life in poor circumstance. I'm impressed by this expression.
3. The poor young customers come to a small Chinese restaurant, oparated by a married couple, Julia and Jim. The customers start celebrating the birthday of the youngest boy and are wondering about their orders. In the rest of this writing, I expect to find how warm Julia would serve them.
4. To me, the most important thing about your writing is Julia's thoughtful deception:
" Aren't you...kids." This dialogs shows her generosity, her nimble mind, and a warm atmosphere.
5. The ending might be abrupt because there's no reaction from the kids after they had a delightful treat. I guess showing their reactions emphasize the ending part; but personally, I like your style of ending better.
It's a beautiful story...thanks Rosaria for sharing your story.
That not everyone reads a story the same way is valuable information for the writer. Thanks to Helena and May for establishing a dialogue here.
Remember: to disagree is fundamental to any process that matters. Just as much fun as getting to the "end" wherever that may be.
In January, we start to examine how we might best prepare our work for publication and the scrutiny that being published entails.
Hi, Rosaria:
I really like your story and here is my feedback for you.
1. I feel the beginning of the story is a vivid and clear. Especially, I like the depiction of setting.
2. “Fallen leaves moved backward on the pavement,” “rhythmical chopping,” “hands on the tea pot” are memorable. “moved backward” shows us a movement perception; “rhythmical chopping”, not only the sound but also the rhythm; “hands on the tea pot”, a very real action because people often do that in the winter time.
3. The three siblings were orphaned when their parents died in a car crash. Today’s one’s birthday; the elder one gives a pair of knitted glove and tries to give him a little bit treat. I guess it will be a warm story just like the title. (Actually, Rosaria have told me her idea about her story in our in class discussion. Thanks again!)
4. Julia, the owner of this small restaurant treats the three siblings a good dinner because she owes their mother before; but it is not true. She lies because she sympathizes for them and wants to do something for them; she doesn’t want to make them feel embarrassed. She is a real warm-heart person.
5. The ending is prospective one because of the title and the story.
It is better if you could mention the other girl’s name “Amy” before Julia “interrupted their talking”, or else how Julia knows her name?
The description about the surroundings is very good;however, I think it would be better if the writer could create more conversations between the kids in order to Julia could get more information about this unfortunate family. Otherwise, Julia's generous behavior would look like unbelievable and unreasonable. On the other hand, even though Julia claimed that she was kids' mother's good friend could make the story more dramatic, it didn't make sense well. i think it's unnecessary to make this beautiful lie. If Julia wanted to give the kids a free dinner, she could just go ahead to do it. I can't see any necessity for Julia to do it under the name of kids'mothe's friend.
Hi Rosaria.
Hope you're doing well.
1. Hmmm... My feelings as I read. I like the title. It's apt and it doesn't give anything away. Made me curious.
2. "There was always full of stink of fried oil and minced garlic in her small restaraunt."
"The smell of fried oil and minced garlic were ever present in the restaraunt."
I like this sentence because it's said in a way that you don't really know if Rosaria means it in a bad way or a good way.
"Fallen leaves moved backward on the pavement."
"Opening the door, the fallen leaves blew backward on the pavement."
I've read enough to know that it is one of the childrens' birthdays, they're low on cash, and they're parents are deceased. I don't expect to read anything positive or happy.
4. I think the most important thing about this piece of writing is the message. The message is kindness. I would like to think that there are many people that would do the same for a stranger in need.
5. I really like the ending. I thought it was clever and sweet. If I had to say it was either gentle or abrupt, I would say it was gentle.
No matter the story of "The Warm Restaurant" is a true story or fictional one, but it leads us- a reader to think about ourself how much love and care are we willing to give for strangers in need. It's an illuminating story, Especially the ending is out of readers' expectation.
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