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A place for Writing 12 students to read each other's writing, to critique, to suggest, to improve.
About Me
- Brad
- Former adult teacher who loves island beaches. Happy homebody and family man; once devoted dog owner, now without Tashi, my Tibetan Terrier. I prefer the absurdity of the imagination to the absurdity of imagining nothing.
LInks
Blog Archive
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2006
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November
(12)
- An Exercise to Develop "Voice" in Writing
- Reader Comments for Brad's Story, "The Bike"
- Reader Comments for Larry's Story, "Einstein"
- Reader Comments for James' Story, "The Corner"
- Reader Comments for Catherine's Story, "Dreamers"
- Reader Comments for Hiromi's story, "Her Own Two F...
- Reader Comments for "Cute Sonya"
- Reader Comments for "Once Upon a Time" (NEW DRAFT)
- Put Reader-Based Feedback Here for "Flying from Cu...
- Put Reader-Based Feedback Here for "The Warm Resta...
- Copying Text from Comments
- Zeugma Zeugma Zeugma (Challenge Anyone?)
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November
(12)
12 comments:
Words: 1,373
Einstein
His real name was Barvano Elsinicstein. However, I used to call him Einstein, not only for his name was hard to remember and pronounce, but also for he looked like Einstein very much.
We really knew each other from an unhappy encounter.
One day, around five years ago, I bought three pieces of furniture from Ikea and asked them to deliver to my new apartment.
In the living room, I was pacing back and forth with joy when waiting for deliverer’s arrival. I liked very much my new home that located at 28th floor with a 180 ℃ river and mountain view, As soon as I imagined how wonderful and snug it would be after the new furniture was placed, I couldn’t wait to have them immediately.
“Ring-ring-ring,” the ringing came from the phone woke me up from the day-dreaming.
“Hello, Mr. Chen, Ikea. We are at the front door, but the building manager doesn’t allow us to use the elevator.”
“What on earth is the matter there?” I spoke into the phone.
“You’d better to talk to the guy, Sir.”
When I darted to the front door of the building, I saw the caretaker of the building, Barvano Elsinicstein, was talking to other two guys beside a big truck.
I met him several times at lobby since I moved in three days ago but barely talked to him. Frankly speaking, he was not the kind of people I liked. He was a middle age man with an Einstein style hair. Besides the hair, most parts on his face were alike Einstein also. When I saw him at first time, I said to my wife: “Oh, Gosh, Einstein revived.” Since that day, we had formally called him Einstein.
I didn’t know whether genuine Einstein frowned all day along, but this pirated Einstein did it, like I owed him management fee for a long time.
“You have to reserve the elevator in advance for moving big things; otherwise, you aren’t allowed to use it.” Einstein frowned.
“Why?” I frowned, too.
“I’ll have to do some protection work to the elevator for preventing from a damage caused by big furniture.”
“You can do it right now, can’t you?”
“No, I can’t.” He shook his head. “You have to give me a notice in advance by one day at least. It’s a rule of our building.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” I increased my tone.
“I gave you the booklet of regulations at first day you moved in.” He said in a plain tone.
I had to confess that I had never taken a glance at that damn booklet.
“Ok, Ok.” I raised my hands. “Now, what should I do?”
“Come tomorrow.”
“Come on, man.” I increased my tone again, but I woke up to know at once that lost temper would help nothing. What I should to do now was making myself calm, and begging in humbleness.
I pulled him aside, and quickly tucked a twenty bucks bank note into his palm. I used to solve the problems by this way, and it worked very well so far. I knew if I let the deliverers coming back tomorrow, it would cost me times more than twenty bucks.
“Please, do me a favor just once.” I lowered my tone, and forced a smile.
“What the hell are you doing?” Einstein shook off my hand like shaking off a leech. “Listen, man, I don’t want such dirty things happen again. It’s illegal.” He said with anger and tucked the money into my pocket. “Don’t waste time, Sir; I have a lot of work to do. Come tomorrow.” After left these words, he turned his shoulder and walked away.
I made hands into fist, and almost heard the sounds that came from gnashing.
“Don’t let me see you treat different people in different way.” I shouted at his back, and itched to set a fire on his Einstein-style hair.
Since that day, I never said hi to him when we encountered. Although it did prove that Einstein was right (I checked the regulations of residents later), I still believed what he did to me was kind of discrimination. I thought he would not follow the regulation so strictly if I were a white people.
Gradually, however, I had changed such point with the time pass. In several times, I happened to see that Einstein had some arguments with some white people who lived in our building. The causes of the clashes were nothing but Einstein didn’t allow any behaviors that breached the regulations. It seemed that he never heard there was a word called “compromise” in the world.
With the communication between the neighbors and I getting better and better, I heard lots of stories about Einstein. He was a single, no one knew whether he once married or not. When the talk came to his work, almost all said with one voice: “He is the best.”
The facts I saw and I experienced in the followed months told me that he was worth being given this good name. You could see him worked in the garden, in the lobby, or around of swimming pool from morning till night. That was why our lobby was always kept as a five- star hotel, the garden as an amazing picture, the swimming pool like a big blue jade.
The hostility in my eyes had already gone with the wind, but he still seldom to smile (not only to me, but also to everyone.) I had only once memory about his smile.
That was eight months later after I moved in. One day, I planed to install an extra theftproof lock on my door. Beyond of my expectation, the wood of the door was too hard that I couldn’t screw the lock on the door. After using up all of strengths and efforts, it still failed. Just at moment I was giving it up, Einstein appeared in front of me.
“I’m dispatching the council meeting minutes door to door.” Said he and handed me some papers. “Hey, buddy, what the hell make you sweating so much?” He looked me up and down.
“Damn it. What a wood!” I pointed at the door.
“Let me see.” Einstein squatted and picked up a screwdriver from the floor. “What’s that? Toothpick? eh?” He cast a sidelong glance at it.
“See this.” He took out an electronic screwdriver from the bag that he had it with him every minute. With some big noises, he finished all of works within five minutes.
I felt so appreciated for what he did. However, when I was thinking in what way to express my thanks, he put the screw back into the bag, and said: “Frankly, buddy, the building you live in is absolutely safe. That garbage lock is nothing but troubles you only, not thieves.” He burst out a laughing. Before I could make any response, he had already disappeared behind the door of elevator. This was first time, as well as last time I saw he smiled.
Next morning, when my wife and I were heading for school, we saw Einstein worked in the garden as usual. I originally intended to go to him say thanks, and my wife hoped to invite him to have a dinner with us next evening; however, we were already late for the class then, so we decided to phone him after school.
It was totally unexpected and unbelievable that we would no longer have chance to give the thanks and dinner invitation to Einstein. When we came from school that afternoon, we learned Einstein passed away.
“When he was working in the garden this noon,” Cecilia, our neighbor, sniffled and was unable to speak. “Suddenly he tumbled to a maple tree and never stood up again.”
Some neighbor remembered afterward that Einstein once mentioned that his heart had felt not good recently.
From that day, I have never let thanks come out of my mouth late.
Wow Larry!
I don't have a lot of time right now to do the whole critique thing, but what a great story. It actually had me laughing out loud, especially about sett'n the guy's hair on fire. It's awsome. I'll write more later. Hope you and your family have a nice weekend.
Stacey.
Hi,Stacey
Thanks for your comment that came first. Although I know you didn’t laugh at my poor English, but actually it had you a laugh. I'll set my short story on fire, in stead of setting a fire on the guy's hair. Anyway, as long as my writing could make my classmates smile, I would feel happy. On the other hand, sorry I changed my story from hamster to Caretaker, remember it? It seems that you changed your story also from what you mentioned at group work weeks ago, right? Maybe, my dear son Jerry, a very handsome and smart hamster will be the protagonist in my next story (if Brad asked us to do short story again)
Waiting for your further comment, and hope your happy family have a happy weekend.
Although Einstein was a concierge, he respected and performed his duty perfectly. he lived up with
his principle until the day he die. I like the story, at least we can learn his stubbornness but for good.
1. Einstein is a real person. We grieved over his sudden death as though lost our own family because he worked around our building everyday and we met him everyday. Especially he gave many people (even dogs) gifts and cards every Christmas.
He is also the first one who invited us to his home and had a lunch together in our building.
At the day before he had heart attack, I just said a hello to him at the front of the gate, and though if I could speak English very well, I would talk much with him and say thanks to him. But he would never come back.
I miss him very much.
2. “I pulled him aside, and quickly tucked a twenty bucks bank note into his palm.”
Larry shows us the truth. Many Chinese people use this way to solve their problems.
3. Most Canadian could hold on principle.
4. There are a lot of conflicts between caretaker and resident.
I like this story because of its plenty vivid details.
A story with heart-breaking quality - both the conflicts and the ending! Einstein is person does not know the word "compromise" - neither for the regulations nor for his own life. The sad surprice ending confirms his strong personality.
Interesting dialogues make the conflict between Einstein and "me" vivid and easy to follow. However, the transaction of "my" changing-view-point to Einstein can be shorter.
Hi Larry, I’m inspired with your story. My feedback follows in “Criterion-Base Question”.
(A)The idea of this story is admirable. It’s generated by various conflicts and clear examples, describing the negative and positive traits of the main character. Since it is told by the first person’s point of view, it helps me focus on the main character. The narrator’s unique observation, humorous expressions and sudden inspiration for Einstein attract me to read through. It arouses my curiosity towards him.
(B)The story is well organized by the chronological order. And it suggests to me the theme: we shouldn’t judge people by their appearance and first impression.
Each part is quite logical. At first, the story begins the brief introduction of the main character, and soon the first conflict happens. In this way, the readers can easily pay attention to the further parts. The middle part shows the positive side of the main character and the harmonious changes in the relationship between the narrator and Einstein. I’m very pleased at the result of the conflict. Unlike both parts, the ending part is developed by the narrator’s attitude. The last sentence, “I have never let thanks…” is a clear-cut statement,a strong voice,which implies to me the narrator’s thoughtful mind. I can see it-- how significant the loss of Einstein was.
(C)Most of the sentences are neat and the use of simile effectively improves them.
Actually, I’m bad at English grammar, but I’d like to introduce two suggestions:
1.“I never said hi to him when we encountered.”
Probably, the verb, encounter, needs an object. In this case, “encountered”
each other…I guess.
2.“With the communication between the neighbors and I getting better and better,”
I think this sentence needs polishing because it’s a great transitional phrase that evolves a new realization.
Thanks Larry, I enjoyed your story a lot!
I like the lively language of the story.
Comparison of the character to Einstein, and the narrator’s urge to “set a fire” on his hair is delightful.
I also like “like shaking off a leech.” Great simile!
Larry’s and Catherine’s faces were in my head while I was reading it because I heard this is a true story, and so I kind of read it like an essay.
Maybe more interaction of “I” and Einstein makes the story better? He seems like an interesting character, and I’d like to know more about him.
I’m with the narrator when he is upset about Einstein’s ruling, but then I lost at the “lock” part. (It’s just personal preference, but if that was me, I’m not going to forgive him so easily. <- I’m talking about the story, not real Einstein, though)
It was fun to read. Thanks!
Hi, Larry I have read your short story. It was great and very well written. You have showed Einstein’s character very vivid in the story. According to the story, he was very honorable in principles and straightforward person, who refused to take bribe from you. Also, the plot of story is very well organized.
I really enjoyed the story.
Thank you guys' comments aboved, and especially thank Ritsuko for correcting the errors in my grammar. That's what i eager to want, and that's why Brad provides this this blog to us, i think.
I enjoyed reading "Einstein". Here are my feedback for Criterion-Based Questions.
A.Larry's experience taught me a good lesson: Nobody waits the next chance. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do right now.
B.We are livinge a transient life. Everyday,we should do our best diligently and love our neighbours like Einstein,tactless but simple-minded.
Each parts of the story is well connected to show sincereity of the protagonist.
c.I dare to make a suggestions.
The fourth paragraph of the first page,"I was pacing back and forth with joy when waiting for deliverer's arrival". The sentence, " when waiting for... " should be an adverb clause. "When(while) I was waiting for deliverer's arrival". Another suggestion,
The fourth paragraph of the third page, "but he still seldom to smile". In this sentence, "seldom" is not a verb, it is an adverb. I would write ,"but he seldom smiled".
I like the simile,a screwdriver is a toothpick. It shows Einstein is a skillful professionalist.
Thanks Larry for sharing with Einstein's spirit.
The story “Einstein” gives me not only a lesson of “thank someone not late” but also some humor in immigrant life as in “regulation booklet” - I’ve not opened it so far.
It’s easy to see Larry’s uncomfortable situation after he gives money to Einstein. Reading the story is a pleasure to me, and it presents a laugh tonight.
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