Hi All,
I'm enjoying the submissions to the two challenges but would like everyone to try to follow the directions more exactly. It makes it deliciously hard, I know, but that's the point! No fair to have a narrator filling in the back story or having dialogue in the action challenge!
You might try revising your original, following the rules more exactly. See what you get. Also, beware of "telling" or "telegraphing" in this kind of writing. We're not writing essays here, so we need to show, show, show and can trust our readers to fill in the "tell"!
Oh, and for every submission, please do a critique of another student. I can do some, but when a student jumps in it's better overall and also gives us access to lots of different opinions. So, one for one, if that makes sense.
Now, where are the rest of you? No fair always lurking (reading, but not writing). The class has lots of writers and we want to learn to write, so write more, more often and see yourself improve!
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Hi everybody. I finally got around to finishing my story. Brad, for some reason i'm unable to use my word program while i'm commenting. Hope I did ok with the spelling and grammar.
Once Upon A Time.
Once upon a time in a vast green valley, there lived a potato named Ralph. He was one of many siblings and thought himself quite ugly. He wasn't quite ripe and mostly green and had way too many eyes. Half the time he didn't know which way was up. Such was his vision, if you can imagine. His Mother was the only one to show him any love or appreciation at all.
His brothers and sisters often teased him about his appearance and general personality. How could he though be happy when his life was so miserable? It was all too easy for Ralph to believe what others said about him. He heard it so often and from so many. Every day Ralph would climb a humungous corn stalk to look over the valley at the giant hulking castle far off in the distance. It must have been a half-million miles away and still its shadow cast itself upon the earth below the corn stalk where Ralph was now clinging.
"I bet if I could get into that castle and steal something to bring back to my lousy brothers and sisters they'd like me." "I just bet!" Ralph decided to consult with his friend Myles the carrot so he could figure out a way to get there.
"Are you off your nut?" Asked Myles encredulously. "First, how do you expect to get all the way there?" "And then, how're you gonna get in?" "And what happens if the ginormous people who live there decide to make you a part of their dinner?"
"I've thought of all that." Replied Ralph resolutely. "I need to do this." "I just have to." "Whatever happens happens."
There was nothing Myles could say that would change Ralph's mind. so he helped him sneak out that night. No easy task, considering how many potatoes happened to live at Ralph's house. And so Ralph set off in search of adventure. The valley was a myriad of strange noises in the dark. Ralph had never paid attention to the screeches of owls or the whispering of the wind. He had never ventured out at night before. Ahead there was a steady, pounding beat. Ralph could barely make out a flashing neon sign in the distance. Who was he kidding? He couldn't read a sign dead-ahead of him if his life depended on it. "Darn all these eyes!" He lamented to himself.
"Hiya sweetheart." "Where ya head'n?" A decidedly female voice purred from just behind Ralph. He jumped, tripped, and fell flat on his face. "Wha, wha, wha do you want?" Ralph stammered. A red pepper stood there. She was the most beautiful creature Ralph had ever laid all his eyes on. She was a deep, vivid red. Her eyes sparkled blue like the summer sky and her lashes were so long they caused a breeze when she blinked. Even so Ralph still worried that she might want to rob him.
"I don't have any money lady." Ralph said matter-of-factly. The pepper smiled and offered him a slender, gloved hand up and out of the dirt.
"Aww honey, I don't want your money." "I was just wondering what a young spud like you was doing way out in this part of the valley at night." "Does your Mama know you're out and about?" Ralph was awed by her presence and all he could muster was a gurgling noise at the back of his throat.
"Ok love, you follow me and we'll get you a nice cup of cocoa, a snug place to sleep and you can tell ole fayth all your troubles in your own time."
Ralph allowed himself to be led forward. Something about Fayth's manner lent a feeling of security and comfort. Nearer and nearer they came until at last they stood before the neon sign Ralph had seen some distance back. Loud music blasted out of the open doors. Ralph could feel it vibrating through his body. He focused all his energy into reading that sign. He closed twelve of his eyes, leaving two to do the work. The bright flashing letters finally crystalized in Ralph's eyes.
"The Purple Fizz!" Ralph exclaimed proudly.
"Yes, thats what it says hon." "By the way Spud, you got a name?"
"Oh sorry" Ralph muttered. "My name is Ralph."
"Ok kiddo, lets get you that cocoa and you can tell me your story."
They walked through the door of the Purple Fizz and met with complete, absolute, and utter silence. No music, no people, no nothing. Empty bar stools, tables and dance floor. Not understanding and totally shocked Ralph collapsed where he stood. His last thoughts before losing consciousness were of his friend Myles' words... "What if the ginormous people who live there decide to make you part of thier dinner?" Darkness after that, somehow sleep and strange dreams.
Ralph was walking through his very own nieghborhood in the corn field. There were signs everywhere. He was trying very hard to read the words but all he could make out were the drawings. They were all pictures of him. The artwork was familiar. He realized it was his brothers and sisters handiwork. Ralph felt something small and light land on his shoulder and a friendly voice began reading into his ear.
"Please call if you've seen our brother." The sign read. "He is not quite ripe and mostly green and has way too many eyes but we love him to the castle and back and we want him home."
"Theres a number at the bottom" the little voice in Ralph's ear intoned.
"You want me to read it for you?"
A joyous feeling was creeping into Ralph's heart. He gently took the little spider off his shoulder and set him down on a nearby leaf.
"I think I'll try to read it for myself." Ralph closed twelve of his eyes, leaving two to do the work. 555-5555 was the phone number. A huge pain began in Ralph's head and the earth seemed to spin. Voices, many voices, all vague and indistinct at first reached him on some subconscious level.
He slowly opened his eyes and found himself at the bottom of a huge corn stalk. He sat up and groaned as the pain reaserted itself into his head. All his brothers and sisters were there. Some of them were crying. All were telling him much they loved him and how sorry they were to have ever called him names or treated him badly.
A beautiful red pepper wearing a white coat stood comforting Ralph's mother. She came closer and put a stethoscope to his chest.
"I think you're gonna be just fine sweetie," she purred. "If I were you though, I'd stay off those corn stalks." "They can be dangerous y'know?"
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