Comments here:
Read an edit of the story by Brad in Word format, showing editing changes and commenting on strengths and weaknesses in the writing.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
A place for Writing 12 students to read each other's writing, to critique, to suggest, to improve.
About Me
- Brad
- Former adult teacher who loves island beaches. Happy homebody and family man; once devoted dog owner, now without Tashi, my Tibetan Terrier. I prefer the absurdity of the imagination to the absurdity of imagining nothing.
LInks
Blog Archive
-
▼
2006
(31)
-
▼
November
(12)
- An Exercise to Develop "Voice" in Writing
- Reader Comments for Brad's Story, "The Bike"
- Reader Comments for Larry's Story, "Einstein"
- Reader Comments for James' Story, "The Corner"
- Reader Comments for Catherine's Story, "Dreamers"
- Reader Comments for Hiromi's story, "Her Own Two F...
- Reader Comments for "Cute Sonya"
- Reader Comments for "Once Upon a Time" (NEW DRAFT)
- Put Reader-Based Feedback Here for "Flying from Cu...
- Put Reader-Based Feedback Here for "The Warm Resta...
- Copying Text from Comments
- Zeugma Zeugma Zeugma (Challenge Anyone?)
-
▼
November
(12)
10 comments:
Hi, Hiromi:
1. I feel for the fate of the ordinary farmwife. However, she lives and works in peace. I hate war because it always destroys civilians’ life; some dominators love war because it could bring them more power and advantage.
2. I like these phrases: “She had stout, sturdy legs, that are what the father-in-law had liked her,” “She took a baby to the field”and“waving a small replica of the national flag with others”. They give me a profound impression: it seems like the pictures that I have watched in the movies.
3. Since the fifteen-year-old girl has been married with a son of a farm, she experienced being a mother of six children, a hard-working farmer, and a poor widow. I think her life would be more difficult in the future.
4. Finally she is dying because she is too old and even can’t eat by herself, but she is still “often smiled.” She is typical working woman who has a gritty spirit.
5. I am touched by the ending; it comes naturally. A strong, brave, and tough working woman jumps out the paper and roots into my heart. Why should our women always take up the load of life?
I feel sympathy for “her,” the protagonist, as same as my parent’s generation in Korea. Most of women had to suffer with endless household. It affected in marriage, her father- in-law chose her the reason of her “stout, sturdy legs” without any considering of her personal opinion for her marriage. So far, first page, the story “Her Own Two Feet” is telling about a poor women’s half life, so I hope the story is developed to happy ending such as she become a richer or a famous writer with her plenty of vivid experience. At the second page shows a continuous her painful life like she trapped in Muff’s circle, and the ending give me a feeling of something unfinished a helplessly tied rope, so I have to something for the protagonist-changing from the beginning, wedding.
It's doubtless that the readers will be impressed and feel sympathetic for the protagonist,a typical traditional farmwife. In chinese countries, you can find such kinds of countrywoman everywhere. However, it seems that the writer tells much more than show. I'm not sure whether it could be called "story" in which no any conversation between the characters.
Hi, Hiromi:
1. She is only 15. Will she be happy in the new family that she knows nobody?
2. "stout, sturdy legs" this showed how she looks physically. It's so easy to imagine her now.
3.(I read the first two paragraph.) A 15 year-old girl join a new unknown family as the wife of the eldest son. I expect that maybe the girl is not as her look (stout, sturdy legs), she actually disappoints the family.
4. Oh, oh, I got a wrong guess. The story is too heavy for me. She worked so hard and endured so much, but she didn't get a good ending.
Personally, I still like fairy tale better, although your story is very meaningful and very well written. I like your title very much.
Hi Hiromi.
1. The first paragraph put me in mind of similar movies I have seen. The first paragraph tells you everything about the protagonist in a very clever way. It's like watching a movie, only better. I could easily imagine the scene.
2. "She came over the mountain, from a village on the other side of the foot." I'm assuming that "the foot" is a mountain or the like that Hiromi is familiar with.
"She wore a new pongee kimono, her plump cheeks red, black hair cut straight at the jaw line." I like this description. I get the impression that "a pongee" is some hoity-toity, extra special kimono.
3. So far I get the impression that the protagonist is the usual obedient, polite and "nice" girl. She will do her duty at great personal expence to herself and smile while she does it.
"The husband was the oldest son of the family, so naturally she joined his household."
Again we are being told that the protagonist will do what is expected of her and then some.
"He had not come back." "How she survived after the war, she did not remember." "The children had grown up and married and left home."
I don't know whether I want to cry for her or smack her. Why the heck would she stay?
4. The most important and recurring theme in this story is self-sacrifice. I don't know why,even after she hurts herself she has any reason to smile. She's spent her whole life in service to others and I don't get a warm fuzzy feeling from the life story. I suppose because I was born and raised in North America this story just pisses me off. I want to read that she leaves and finds some rich dude and lives happily ever after.
5. The ending of this story gave me a sense of satisfaction. At least she got to scream. I would have been screaming my whole life if I were this protagonist. I'm just sorry she had to go through all she did. It was definitley a good ending.
1.I get a lesson from the story. She willingly accepts her destiny and tides over difficulties.I will not be a grumbler any more.
I trace back a vague memory of my grandmother.
2."She sent him off with cheers,waving small replica of the national flag with others."This phrase is so vivid like a scene of a movie.
3.A fifteen- year- old bride devotes herself to the large family- in-law.
During the war, her husband is dead
still, she is responsible for the family. She will show us her strong will and diligence whenever she meets hardships.
4.She sacrifices her whole life for the family.She lays her bed until sunrise,though her legs are ready to spring, and toes starting twitch. Only, she is concerned about a deep sleep of her son and daughter-in-law. No matter how her whole life is tough, she feels happy because she keeps the moral,sacrifice herself for the sake of her family.
5.The ending is sad. However, I am happy with her screams.Finally, she can express her feelings.
Hi Hiromi,
I enjoyed this piece very much. It feels like real literature (I mean, setting, description, vivid and rich language, development of the plot and a very special ending)
In spite of the fact, that it is not a very cheerful story, it doesn’t sound like a tragic one. For the person from a different culture, like me, it tells a lot about traditions, style of life and character.
Comparing to your first story, this one is very balanced.
It was a pleasure to read.
Hiromi sa-n, sorry for my late res.
I wish I could comment on your second story sooner.
Ha...I'm still wondering what to say about your writing in English.
I glanced through our fellows' comments and confirmed that each of us has a different opinion, sense and taste--That's natural isn't it?
As for me, without flattery, I was greatly impressed your story. You expressed a typical Japanese woman in the past with detaild actions.
You didn't use any dialog--EXCELLENT!--since quietness is a fine virtue in our culture.
The greatest thing about this writing is demonstrating the truth of Japanese trait. We are too much care about others' feelings and tend to hide our honesty to KEEP HARMONY with others. It is difficult to explain to you: I feel you exposed something what we, Japanese, have neglected while we've been developed--something--a very valuable.
Most of the protagonist's actions remaind me of my granma who lived her whole life in your neighboring hometown. She always sent her home grown vegetables (rice and seafoods,too)"packed in boxes."
Reading your story, I feel annoyed at myself, regretting; I couldn't thank her enough.
See you later.
Hi again,
I forgot to say one more thing about the story.
Some of our classmates commented about the description, "she had stout, sturdy legs...the father-in law had liked about her," is the most memorable to me,too.
I assume that you try to show the social environment. I imagine--at that time, the women would be a tool to produce next generations and were expected to manage about harsh household chores. So, the father-in-law chooses her because of these reasons. I can see getting young, healthy daughter-in-law was
essential for a famer's life.
That's all.
She begins to live really at the moment of screaming! That is the only moment the we feel the woman as a human.
A meaningful and touching stroy of the whole life of an "ordinary" woman.
Post a Comment