- Copy edited Catherine's "Giving Praise" piece. I think it's ready. Note how I changed paragraphing from original.
- Copy edited Larry's piece on cats. See if you can spot my changes. I qualified in two spots (see "many" and "often" in the revision).
- Added and copy edited Rosaria's piece on baked mussels. Note my extensive edit to the first sentence and use of the present perfect tense. By the way, my wife says, "Sounds yummy!"
- Added and copy edited Suzanne's piece on snooker. Anyone want to write a "teaser" for Suzanne? Oh, and where are all your teasers? It helps me to set up the home page. If anyone wants to volunteer to do one for another student, feel free.
- Copy edited Hiromi's piece on John Grisham.
- Added and copy edited Helena's Flying After the Sun
Teasers from Larry, Catherine, Stacey and Natalia are demonstrated on the home page, along with headlines. Articles are in alphabetical order btw. Writers who feel that their article is ready to be at the mockup stage should submit article revisions or say they feel it's ready at the "Articles Ready" post.
NOTE: As "copy" editor, I reserve the right to make corrections to the text. A writer's responsibility is to read the final version carefully and note any edits that were made. We can use some class time to discuss edits and the whys of my decisions.
Everyone who has done an article should write a one or two sentence "teaser" for the home page (max 20 words or so). Each teaser would act to attract a reader to click on to read your full article. Think honey and bees!
28 comments:
Hi! Brad,
I like very much your "mock up of the site". You made a nice choice of sign for my "Travel Journal". I will do my best to do a valuable job.
What is sentence "teaser" for the home page?
Helena,
A "teaser" is a one to two line description of your article that would tend to attract a reader to read (and to click to the full page article). A good teaser will lead to more people reading your piece!
Are we real superior to other creatures? Let’s come off our perch and see what we could learn from the other animals.
Hi,Brad:
The above is my "teaser." By the way, the picture on my homepage is real cool but a bit hard to tell it’s a cat or dog.Ha!
Larry's Teaser:
Are we really superior to other creatures? Let’s come off our perches and see what we can learn from other animals. (small changes).
Catherine's Teaser:
Living in Canada, we have many cultural differences. How much is different, and how much do you know? (tightened a bit)
Good to use questions to raise interest, both of you.
Parenting in today’s world is akin to doing battle. How do we talk to our kid’s about the hard stuff? Read on…
Hi Brad,
this is my "teaser"
Don’t believe the myth that good music is a luxury. There are places in New West where you can enjoy a variety of good music without spending much. Read more…
P.S. Is my article "no name" product? :-)
Hi Brad,
I am sorry about "no name". I have found it. Thanks for your attention and hard work.
Hi Brad,
I got a better teaser.
Living in Canada, we may have many cultural differences. Do they make you curious, confused, or excited?
Hi,Brad:
Thank you for putting another picture on my homepage. It looks better. On the other hand, I think I'm already read to go:
Are we really superior to other creatures? Let’s come off our perches and see what we can learn from other animals.
Chapter One: Learning from Cats—Distance Makes Beauty.
People who have owned cats know that cats don’t like too close with the people, even though with their owners. Most of the times, cats like to maintain a certain distance, around arms length, between the owners and themselves. With this distance, they can watch you clearly without being touched.
Occasionally, they might jump on your knees and run away when you really wanted them staying longer.
That’s what cats are.
You might dislike cats for tens of reasons, but none of them is because cats stick with you too much.
Unlike cats, dogs seem to be eager to stay with the owners all day. That’s why I can’t imagine having a dog as my pet. I can’t afford that the dogs need their owners every minutes; or maybe quite the opposite, they thought that their owners needed them every minutes.
In our daily life, we are all supposed to have the same experience, that is, if someone stuck with us like a leech, no matter who they are-friends, or co-workers, even a husband or a wife-it would make us feel tired and upset.
I think if we could behave like cats, leave some room between people, it would make all of us feel more comfortable. At least, it wouldn’t make a nuisance of yourself.
I believe the saying: Its allure is its remoteness.
Hi, every one,
I’d like to see this one on our Buzz. Could you help me to make it better? Thanks in advance!
(A Teaser)
Living in Canada, we may have many cultural differences. Do they make you curious, confused, or excited?
“I’m very proud of you!”
As a Chinese, I’m very proud of my culture, but there is something I really don’t like.
My parents seemed chary of giving praise to their children.
If I got an A in the test, they would ask, “How many students got an A in your class?”
If only me, they would say, “Could you get an A next time?”
Even I got another A, they would say, “Don’t be conceited! You may fall behind next time!”
Whatever how hard I tried, they never said, “We’re very proud of you!”
Can you imagine how frustrated I was?
In fact, not only my parents but also many people have never said those words to their Children.
I understood why they did so when I grew up because Chinese culture believes “Modesty helps one to go forward, and conceit makes one lag behind.”
It is true, but the problem is many Chinese children are lacking self-confidence.
Canadians like to say “Well done!” “Good job!” and “Excellent!” to their children; it helps to boost up their confidence. Even a student asks a very stupid question, the teacher would say, “Good question!”
Modesty is a virtue, but don't run it into the ground. Parents would like doing anything for their children, but why they can’t say one more word to them—“I’m very proud of you!”?
Larry and Catherine: Your mockups are up. I edited a bit. See if you can see where!
Hi Brad.
On Catherine's column did you mean to type wary rather than chary?
Catherine.
Awsome job. I'm so happy you didn't give up.
Actually, I didn't type that one, but she's correct:
Dictionary definition of "chary": "Not giving or expending freely; sparing."
Well, you learn something new every day. Cool.
Hi Brad.
I was poking around the mock up of the site and wondering about the course info. Do you want one of us or all of us to maybe look at the course book and just type some of that out? We could also do something with featured courses? Like special one's? I don't know, just a thought.
Stacey,
No, actually I think a student should see a teacher and interview that teacher (briefly and after asking for a good time) about the course(s) they offer. Make it interesting and helpful. Talking to a current student of a course might be good, too, to provide a student's perspective.
We can talk about this on Thursday. Nice to see the sun today!
Hi, Brad,
Thanks for your corrections! I really love the last one because it emphasizes my opinion. You also tightened the piece and made it much better.Thanks!
Before
If only me
Whatever how hard I tried
the teacher would say
Parents would like doing anything
why they can’t say
one more word
After
If only I did
However how hard I tried
the teacher may say
Parents do everything
why can’t they say
one simple sentence
Hi,Brad:
I found at least nine changes you made in my writing. Thanks a lot and sorry to have taken up your spring break time.
“Teaser” words:
Is love flying after the Sun? A young handsome man is in love with a woman 12 years older than him. Tears, suffers and wisdom…
Flying after the Sun
Flying to La Reunion from HongKong is like drinking a glass of champagne facing an endless sunset. La Reunion is a small island lost in the South Indian Ocean, a French outre-mer department. Flying from the west to the east in a game of Hide-and-Seek with the sun. Departure from the airport of HongKong at 4:00pm, 6 hours after, the sun still puts its golden steps everywhere in the airplane.
Different from other international airplanes, which are tightened by stress and anxiety, this plane is fulfilled and smiling. Because, the tropical aromas, relaxed chartings and loudly laughing make this flight a delicious time on the Braham beach. My neighbor, a lady in bright green leaves and purple orchid, is feeding her bird-like daughter.
- “Eat, eat, ma petite bird! You will grow like a plum tree!”
- “I don’t want to be a plum tree. I just want to be like you; wearing long flowering dresses everywhere I go.”
- “You will, ma petite! You will be the most beautiful princess of Vanilla in the whole island. And, you will marry a rich and handsome prince of Sucre-Cane.”
- “No, I just want to marry with my Daddy!”
This secret conversation sweetens my heart. The people of La Reunion, living a life of simplicity and meaningfulness, are adored by the golden sun and the blue ocean and passionate volcano.
“Oh la la! La petite chinoise! My girlfriend has the same eyes as yours. She left me 2 months ago. I was crying from sunset to sunrise…” A young tall good-looking man, wiggling with the music of the island, opens his hands to me and said. “Be my girlfriend just for this flight?”
“Went to Hong Kong to visit your girlfriend?” I asked, “a Chinese?”
“Bright you are!” The young man sits down on the passage way beside me. “Can I sit here?”
- “As soon as you don’t block the others.”
- “I want to know a bit more about you Chinese. You are from a culture of simplicity and spontaneity, but you are not simple at all! I met Fleur in a Chinese Healing Art seminar in Saint-Denis of La Reunion. She was teaching us Chinese Traditional Way of Life and Happiness.”
- “Is Fleur your girlfriend?”
- “I hope she would always be. But she said she could never be my girlfriend.”
- “Strange,” I begin to be attracted by the story. “Has she someone?”
- “No! That isn’t the point. She told me because she was too old. She is 34, and I am 22.”
I am really amazed by this handsome man-like boy. How lucky Fleur is! My voice was softened by the sprinkling diamonds in his brown eyes. “Do you work in Saint-Denis?”
“I am in my second year of medicine studying. Fleur lives in Paris. I proposed her to wait for me another two years. After finishing my studying, I can work as a doctor in Paris,” the young man’s eyes become twinkling again. “She is really the woman for me, and she is in love with me too. I can’t get the point! I sent presents and cards to her in Paris, but she even didn’t open them and returned them all to my address with one word – Forget me and forgive me!
- “You met her in Hong Kong this time?”
- “I learned that she had a seminar in Hong Kong. I flied there to make my mind clear. I spent all of my summer-working savings. It is easier for me to fly to Hong Kong than to Paris.”
- “Did you see her?”
- “Yes. She said nothing but crying. I don’t know why an excellent teacher teaching ‘the only thing does not change is the change itself’ can be so firmed.”
“Maybe it is difficult for her to image her life with you in 12 and 24 years after,” I try to comfort him. “She doesn’t want to hurt you and hurt herself.”
“But she taught us to enjoy the life at the present!”
The present. What is the present? Flying from the East to the West, the sunshine is endless… and the present is endless.
Teaser for Suzanne.
Snooker, not just a game for the guys.
Snooker, not just a game for the boys.
Hi Brad,
Thank you for all your work!
Sorry for my belated teasers, but here we go:
For rant:
Absurd and ridiculous! That’s what I thought about the notice my kids brought from school.
For books:
Reading should be fun, shouldn’t it? Here’s one that is exciting and thrilling.
I also want you to replace my book article. I’ve changed a bit my last draft and will send it by e-mail along with pictures.
And thank you for the underlines on the rant.
I have some request, though.
Could you please put B2 under B1? And also change the line before a, b, c, and d at B5?
That way, it’s easier to read, I think.
And also Rosaria’s. Changing lines between ingredients makes it easier to read. Don’t you think? Please?
Hiromi,
All changes done. Right about line changes. More eyes make for a better edit! See you Thursday.
I saw it!
Looks naaaice!
Thank you!
I also have a book article for the second week.
(Headline undecided)
The Elements of Style
By William Strunk Jr. and E. B. White
I first met this book when I was in English 10. On PALC website, I came across my teacher’s article recommending it and went to a library. There it was, the tiny book was sitting on a shelf quietly between humongous books. It was a size of a postcard and only a quarter inch thick. But the contents were striking.
*Lesson I learned*
It says: not “He was not very often on time” but write “He usually came late”; not “A period of unfavourable weather set in” but write “It rained everyday for a week.”
The moment I read the page, dark clouds parted and bright sunshine came through. An epiphany! I had learned then that English was very straight-forward language, much different from my mother tongue. Just say as it is.
Not “He showed satisfaction as he took possession of well-earned reward” but “He grinned as he pocketed the coin.” Yes, indeed!
*Worthwhile?*
So I bought my own copy. Its do-and-don’t examples always help me, and I check in other rules, too.
Recently, I was leafing though the pages after finishing a draft of an essay and found the passage saying that the word “worthwhile” is, frankly, useless. And I had used it as in “writing is worthwhile. . .” in my essay. I jumped up and went, damn! That’s so true! “Worthwhile” doesn’t say anything! I need to articulate it!
This little book teaches me so much. I can’t thank enough for the wisdom.
It has guided me through all those years (well, it’s actually two years but seems longer) and I continue to live—I mean, write—by its principle. I chant: “A sentence should contain no unnecessary word, a paragraph no unnecessary sentence, for the same reason that the drawing should have no unnecessary line and a machine no unnecessary part.”
Mr. Strunk and Mr. White, I swear I’ll do my best to follow your advice.
320 words
Teaser: This little book is my bible. It taught me how to write English.
Any suggestions?
Dear editers,
Thank you for editing my article and thank you for the review. You did a great job! See you tomorrow!
My teaser:
Here are some yummy tips.
Just follow these very easy and speedy cooking ideas.
Your dining table will be full of joy.
Hi All.
Won't be in class today. See you next week.
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