If you feel your article is ready for publication, post it here. Editors have to agree or give some reasons why they want revisions, including specific instructions to the writer. I elect James and Hiromi and Stacey to act as co-editors. Be sure to state your agreement as quickly as possible.
If all agree, I'll post the final version to the Buzz mockup for a look at how it'll appear online. If you have graphics in mind, send them along as an attachment to your email. Photos, too. Once enough articles are posted to the Buzz, we can decide on the "splash" date.
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13 comments:
I always think that the most stupid thing we human being has been doing is too arrogant that we considered ourselves to be superior to other creatures in the world. However, if we could come off our perch and hold an attitude of admiring and modest to the animals, we would realize that there were a lot of things we could learn from them. I’d like to post my perspectives here on this issue in a series. I call it Learning from Animals.
Chapter One: Learning from Cats—Distance Makes Beauty.
People who have owned or used to own the cats know that cats don’t like too close with the people, even though with their owners. Most time, cats like to maintain a certain distance, around arms length, between the owners and themselves. With this distance, they can watch you clearly but you can’t reach them.
Occasionally, they might jump on your knees and run away before you really wanted them staying longer.
That’s what cats are.
You might dislike cats for tens of reasons but none of them was because cats were stuck with you too much.
Unlike cats, dogs seem to be eager to stay with the owners all day. That’s why I can’t imagine having a dog as my pet. I can’t afford that the dogs need their owners every minutes; or maybe quite the opposite, they thought their owners needed them every minutes.
In our daily life, we all supposed to have the same experience, that is, if some one stuck with us like a leech, no matter it was friends, or co-workers, even husband or wife, it would make us feel tired and upset.
I think if we could behave like cats, leave some room between people, it would make all of us feel more comfortable. At least, it wouldn’t make a nuisance of your-self.
I believe the saying: Its allure is its remoteness.
Hi Larry.
I really like the first sub-heading. The first paragraph "People who have owned or used to own the cats." You've stated the same thing twice. All that really needs to be said is "People who have owned cats." or "If you've ever owned a cat." I also think that you could join the first two paragraphs into one with a few cuts to certain words.
I like the idea of running a series on animals. I gave Catherine my number and I hope she gives me a call. Have a good weekend.
Learning from Animals [headline]
I always think that the most stupid thing we human being has been doing is too arrogant that we considered ourselves to be superior to other creatures in the world. [This sentence is too long.
Suggestion 1: I think the most stupid thing human beings do is that we are so arrogant that we consider ourselves superior to other creatures.
Suggestion 2: We, human beings, are so arrogant and consider ourselves superior to other creatures in the world.
I like 2 better because it’s stronger, but I like to hear other suggestions from Stacey and James. How do you think, Larry? 2 might be too blunt, but a short sentence has more power.]
However, if we could [omit “could”] come off our [the?] perch and hold an attitude [I don’t know if “hold an attitude” is natural way of saying. Is it? Stacey, and James? ] of admiring and modest to the animals, we would realize that there were a lot of things we could learn from them. I’d like to post my perspectives [Any better word? I feel “perspective” here is a bit awkward but not sure.] here on this issue in a series. I call it Learning from Animals. [I like to omit the last sentence because it’s already in the headline.]
Chapter One: Learning from Cats—Distance Makes Beauty.
People who have owned or used to own the cats know that cats don’t like too close with the people, even though with their owners. [People who have owned cats know that they don’t like to be close to anyone, even to their owners. (?)]
Most time,[ “Most time” is okay? Most of the time? Most times? ] cats like to maintain [keep] a certain [omit] distance, around arms length, between the owners and themselves. With this distance, they can watch you clearly but you can’t reach them.[they can watch you without being touched.]
Occasionally, they might jump on your knees and run away before [when?] you really wanted them staying longer.
That’s what cats are.
You might dislike cats for tens of reasons [,] but none of them was [is] because cats were stuck with you [cats stick with you?] too much.
Unlike cats, dogs seem to be eager to stay with the owners all day. That’s why I can’t imagine having a dog as my pet. I can’t afford [stand?] that the dogs need their owners every minutes; or maybe quite the opposite, they thought their owners needed them every minutes.
In our daily life, we all supposed [seem?] to have the same experience, that is, if some one [someone] stuck with us like a leech, no matter it was friends, or co-workers, even husband or wife, [no matter who they are—friends, co-workers, or even a husband or a wife—] it would [omit] make us feel tired and upset.
I think if we could [omit] behave like cats, leave [keep?] some room between people, it would make all of us feel more comfortable. At least, it wouldn’t make a nuisance of your-self. [yourself]
I believe the saying: Its allure is its remoteness.
Larry,
I think your article is very clear and sticks to the topic. Nice!
I just suggest that a couple of long sentences should be shorter. Could you please try it? A long sentence takes time to reach the reader.
I also omit a bunch of auxiliary verbs to make it simpler.
I like “perch” and “leech” part.
I also like that you put the old saying (is it?) at last. It works well.
Stacey and James,
I’m weak on articles (a, an, the) and also singular-plural agreement. And I can’t tell natural way of saying (see, this sentence is already awkward, but we ESL students put words awkwardly), so I want you to keep an eye on it.
Also, I tend to make sentence shorter and am afraid I might over do sometime. I don’t want to lose anyone’s character or style. That’s not my intention. Tell me if I’m over-editing too much.
I’m not going to be offended by what you say, so please be blunt.
It’s about writing. I want it to be as frank as possible.
And I also appreciate any input from everyone.
Hi,Stacey and Hiromi:
I can not tell you how grateful I am to you both. Every advice you guys gave to me are very helpful and I will take them into consideration when i re-write my article. How lucky we are for having you two being the editors of our buzz!
Have a good spring break.
Keeping Kids Safe in a Dangerous World
Stacey Clements
Dangerous Times;
We live in dangerous times. How do we keep our kids safe in a world full of predators? What age is appropriate for this discussion? What is the best way to approach these topics with our children?
Frank Conversation;
Every day our children are victims of abduction, molestation, murder. The world lacks the safety we wish were there for our families. The state of the planet is scary but there are things we can do to safeguard our kids. Frank conversation is the key to making our children aware in a society so filled with those who would prey on them.
Sensitive Information at a sensitive age;
We all need to introduce this subject to our children sensitively. Age is important. At two I began telling my son that the areas his bathing suit covered were areas that were off limits. I told him that he could and should yell as loudly as he could “NO!” Tell the nearest adult he trusted. He’s been told that he can tell his teacher or any employee at his school if something inappropriate occurs. He’s been taught that no matter who it is that does something like this, even if it’s someone he thought was his friend or mine is wrong and he is completely without fault.
Knowledge is power;
We need to arm our children with as much information as we can at different times in their lives. My son is now eight and we’ve gone on to discussing what to do if somebody tried to get him in their car. I told him about a story I read about a girl who was the victim of an attempted abduction. A man tried to force the girl in his car. She resisted by yelling and holding onto her bike. The man could not fit the girl and the bike in the car so eventually let both go.
Truth above discomfort;
It’s a difficult topic to think about. It’s a more difficult thing to discuss with our children. I for one would rather the temporary discomfort of the conversation to the lifetime of sorrow I might have were I not honest with my child.
Larry,
Thanks for the comment. I’m relieved.
‘Cause your article is already good—only a couple of corrections of grammar and ready to go—and I thought I was saying too much.
Cool. Keep in touch, eh?
Stacey,
Although you ignored me (oops!), I support your decision about the second paragraph 100%.
This is a great article.
I just have a couple of things. (Ain’t I picky?)
“the areas his bathing suit covered were areas that were off limits” can be “the areas his bating suit covered were off limits”?
There’s no word describing “this” of “something like this” (although we know that’s about touching), should we include the sentence describing the action?
Possibly like: I told him that he could and should yell as loudly as he could “NO!” if someone touches there. (touched? I’m not sure about the tense.)
What about the position of “NO!”?
he could and should yell “NO!” as loudly as he could? It’s just that “yell” and “NO!”
are far away and it makes me nervous.
And this sentence: “He’s been taught that no matter who it is that does something like this, even if it’s someone he thought was his friend or mine is wrong and he is completely without fault.”
Please clarify me because I might be wrong and didn’t see it, but what is the subject of “is wrong”? It looks like “no matter who. . . like this” and “even if . . . or mine” are both dependant clauses. . .
Other than these, I’m clear. And revise or not revise, I’ll respect your decision.
Hi Hiromi.
Sorry if you felt I had ignored you. I hadn't. We went over a lot of it in class so I thought about it and decided to leave it as is. I've mucked around with it too much all ready I think. I respect your concerns and hope you feel free to keep expressing them.
Hey James.
I'm interested in your opinions and observations concerning editing. Help us out. It's kind of cool that there are three of us with wholly different outlooks. Looking forward to your comments.
Hi everyone, I've been rewriting a new article and the previous topic.
Now I feel I need your advice to improve my articles. I'd appreciate any suggestion or correction.
The following article is the previous topic and I omitted one content because it was unnecessary information. Also, I changed the introduction and last paragraph.
A Favourite Pastime for Tokyoites
Healing at Hot Springs
Going to Onsen, hot springs or spas, delights the Japanese people. Bathing at hot springs is an old Japanese custom, which helps us regain our health. Recently, the city spas have been greatly popular among Tokyoites to relax their short pastimes. Whenever I go back to Tokyo, I visit to the spas with my family to enjoy the special healing.
The Traditional Hot Springs
Our traditional hot springs are mostly located in the rural areas, and the hotels or the accommodations operate the baths with spring water in their courtyards. Normally, all the baths are divided into two sections between men and women since we have to be naked and wash our bodies for bathing. Probably, the manners sound unique for foreign people; however, to keep clean spring water and to have a comfortable bath time with others, following these rules are essential.
The Current Spas in the City
Some spas in Tokyo and its surrounding prefectures have modernized. Maintaining the original hot springs, they have started providing Western-style spas as well; that means—no separate section—the visitors need swimsuits. The new facilities and reasonable service satisfy families and couples. They can amuse themselves by taking a bath together. Year by year, I find more foreign visitors relaxing at the city spas.
The Effects of Bathing
Hot springs has many effects on humans’ health. The hot mineral water refreshes our weary minds and bodies. Also it works for muscle pain, backache and blood circulation. Taking a bath at home has similar benefits. If we feel tired or stressful, using aroma oil and bath salts for bathing would heal our mood and recover our strength. Bathing is a reasonable and a pleasant relaxation to retrieve positive energy.
(288 words)
And my new article:
The Mystical Gemstone—Turquoise
Perhaps, I must be superstitious— I wear a turquoise jewel as a talisman and a healing item every day. About seventeen years ago, when I was going to Australia by myself, my sister gave me a turquoise ring and said, “Hope this could save you.” During the year of traveling, I faced a lot of trouble including an injury and sickness; fortunately, I could survive! I’ve enjoyed believing the myths of gemstones for a long time since then.
The Precious Stone
Turquoise has been one of the most popular and the oldest gemstone in the world. Especially for the ancient people in Egypt and Persia, turquoise was valued as a spiritual stone that would heal or prevent disease and injuries. Generally, Native American as well as many cultures has considered it as a sign of good health, success or happiness.
Turquoise: http://www.indians.org/articles/turquoise.html
Not Stone of Turkey
Previously, I thought turquoise would be the gem discovered in Turkey because of its nuance. In reality, it originated in French word since it had been carried to Europe through Turkey. Also, it is said that the name derived from French words, “Pieerr
tuquin,” which means “dark blue stone.” The unique name charms me and emphasizes it as a mysterious stone.
The Attractive colour Variations
Turquoise gemstones have various colours: vivid blue, pale blue, greyish blue, greenish blue and lime green. The gemstone consists of hydrated copper, aluminum, phosphate
and minerals, so the difference of colour depends on amount of each element and areas. I’ve noticed Persian turquoise tends to be pure blue whereas Mexican one has greener colour. Both of them are attractive, reminding me of the magnificent blue mosque and the Caribbean Sea.
Meet the Specialist—More Myths
Gemstone stores have been very popular in Tokyo. Last year, I talked with the Japanese specialist about the metaphorical properties of gemstones. She also gave me additional tips for turquoise stone:
1.Combination of a turquoise gem with fake jewelry may lose the power of luck.
2.Luck may increase if a close person gives the gem for you.
Most myths are unrealistic, but at least, I wish the mystical power could occur, cooling me down to sense caution and confidence. Like my passport, turquoise is a necessary thing for me to prepare for a smooth traveling. (383 words)
Hi Rithcan,
Intro is much better than the last one! Good revision!
Just a few grammar suggestions:
-city spas have been [become?] greatly popular among Tokyoites to relax [in or at? I’m not sure about prepositions] their short pastimes.
-sound unique for [to? ?] foreign people
-If we feel tired or stressful [stressed]
Well organized and good information. I think it’s ready to go.
Also, the turquoise article is very interesting!
Maybe: I could survive! [had survived?] I’ve enjoyed believing [I’ve been enjoying? Or omit “enjoy” and I’ve been believing?]the myths of gemstones for a long time since then.
Ohhh, but past perfect and present perfect are tricky and I’m not sure!
Name origin of turquoise is fascinating. I’m just wondering from where turquoise was delivered to Europe. Persia? I guess so. . .
The last paragraph could be more concise. Maybe omit “at least”? “mystical power” would exist? Necessities?
I like both articles!!
Hiromi san
Thank you very much!
I totally agree with your suggestions about my first article.
I’ve been badly struggling with “tense” for the second one. I know the use of tense changes the meaning, so I’ll print out your suggestions for rewriting. For sure, I should cut the last paragraph and will omit some sentences, too. Thanks!
Your guess is correct! Turquoise was found in Persia. (Iran) So, that’s why Iranian people don’t call it “turquoise”. They call the stone “firoozeh” meaning “victory” or “success”.
Your new article recalls me of my weakness. English is completely different from Japanese. For communication in English, I had to change my personality. I disliked
myself when I was speaking English because I felt I became blunt. Japanese language has more humble, polite thoughtful phrases, right? Of course, I like both languages now since I have studied English. I just feel hard to find suitable expressions in English. Maybe I have to read the books you recommended.
Good night,
See you tomorrow.
The Canucks at Home
Hockey is a wonderful sport. Each year players compete for the glory of The Stanley Cup, a trophy etched with the names of the winners. Here in B.C. the ‘nucks are heroes.
The Canucks’ Playoff Drive:
Although The Vancouver Canucks have never captured the cup, on and off the ice the humble team has proven themselves winners.
The Canucks recently secured a playoff spot with a spirited win over The Colorado Avalanche. The team’s whole hearted efforts have landed them neck and neck for first in their division, among Calgary and Minnesota. Holding their ground at first in the division would secure third place in the Western Conference, a lofty playoff spot.
Eighth place would do for our star goaltender Roberto Luongo, who will record his first playoff appearance this season. Not satisfied by just squeaking in however, Luongo has his sights set high on bringing home the division. Luongo has performed superbly under pressure of games every other day, bringing home win after win.
If there is a Stanley Cup in the Canucks’ future, you can bet he’ll be minding the net.
Canuck Place Children’s Hospice:
Off the ice you’ll find him joining his teammates at Canuck place, meeting very special children undergoing treatment.
Canuck Place Children’s Hospice, founded 1995, offers palliative or “comfort” care to children with life-limiting diseases and their families. Canuck Place embodies a philosophy of care, enhancing the everyday lives of the patients through therapy, symptom management and support in fulfilling life’s goals. Individualized care programs are developed ensuring that the patient’s moral and religious beliefs are honored.
Canuck Place cares for children 19 and under, giving the freedom they need to explore art, music and free recreation.
Bereavement counseling is provided to the patient’s entire family.
The clinical staff at Canuck Place is refining methods of care, working with specialists across BC on pain and symptom management, navigating complex psychosocial issues.
Teen support groups are offered, providing a safe environment to explore issues of adolescence, appreciating the teen’s potential for growth.
For parents of children eligible for care, nearly 30 pamphlets are available discussing the delicate issues of dying and moving forward.
Recent Canuck Place Development:
The Canucks for Kids Fund held its 17th annual telethon Thursday March 1st. The Canucks won the game against the Coyotes that night, and the telethon raised $ 944,958.
All involved were pleased with the show of support.
Canucks games can be viewed on Rogers Sportsnet, TSN and CBC. The Canucks are looking to make a hard playoff drive, and they’re well on their way. Tune in!
Hi everyone, I hope this is the right place for my article. I've read it over and think it is about there. Any comments would be appreciated.
I'll be around to edit work. I hope to see your work on the blog when you feel it's ready!
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