First, repost your writing from October 4 with a 20% cut. After your paragraph, explain why you made one of your biggest cuts (be specific about the words you took out). Why is the sentence (or sentences) better now?
Second, take one of the original sentences from another student's writing and suggest a cut. You might even suggest a cut to the revised version if you dare! Don't be afraid to make a suggestion on Brad's piece. I'm pretty wordy in my first drafts.
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A Man on the Line
He walked slowly. His placard said, “Sam’s Strike; CUPE Local 15.” Across the street, the construction workers were off for the day. Watching the two new houses go up had been something to do. The grass didn’t look bad, just a bit ragged--nothing that his mower couldn’t take care of in five minutes, tops. As he passed a garbage bin at the back of the ice rink, he wrinkled his nose. It was full of kitchen trash bags. The crows were pecking at them, spreading Styrofoam fast food containers everywhere. Nice addition to the evergreen boughs someone had dumped on Tuesday, he thought. Idiots! Someone had set the pile on fire, melting the asphalt in a three-meter wide circle. He resumed his pointless walk around the shuttered community centre. –130 words; second draft [first draft was 169 words; reduction of 39 words or 20%]
Here's my original sentences on the trash bags. [many thanks to Masaru who discussed my wordiness with me after class today]
As he passed the garbage bin at the back of the ice rink, he noted with disgust that it was full of the white plastic bags most people use for kitchen garbage. The crows had been pecking at the bags, spreading styrofoam fast food containers everywhere.--46 words
New sentences:
As he passed a garbage bin at the back of the ice rink, he wrinkled his nose. It was full of kitchen trash bags. The crows were pecking at them, spreading Styrofoam fast food containers everywhere.--36 words, so reduced by 10 words.
Better, especially because the redundant detail on the origin of the bags is removed. I also had him "wrinkling his nose" instead of telling of his disgust.
from Suzanne (posted to September 27 homework and moved here by Brad)
suzanne said...
My first script "Walking with a Friend's Friend" was 123 words. My second script on September 27, which I changed the title to "Marching for Politics?" was 95 words. Now I revise it again. It is 89 words.
My third script is below:
Marching for Politics?
It was cloudy and nearly turning dark. Marilyn, one of my neighbor’s friend, invited me to have a walk after supper. I was surprised at her appearance. She wore the wrap-around sunglasses, red high heels leather shoes, fancy laces around the hem and sleeves of her blouse, and a narrow miniskirt. Her Audrey Hepburn hair style had been dyed brown. Moreover, I was shocked by her loud voice repeated, “I strongly claim loyalty to my communist party forever,” three time within the half hour walk.
89 words
I took off the beginning sentence and two words, which are “One of my neighbors, Amy, introduced her friend to me. The lady,---” because I found this sentence was too wordy. Then I moved “It was cloudy and nearly turning dark” to the first sentence, for the atmosphere of turning dark can be used as setting. I even changed the title “Walking with a Friend’s Friend” to “Marching for Politics?”. Since the character claimed her loyalty to Communist party for three times, I was afraid she might try to impose her politicized idea on me.
The moment she walked in the dusky club house tea room, she felt men’s eyes fall on her fashion. “It is a typical Wednesday afternoon” she thought. Here and there, groups of golfers were chattering over beer mugs. Some of them were lazily watching the T.V. She turned her face toward the sunny window side and found some ladies were talking in Japanese. “Here they are!” It was a chance she could talk in her mother language and a reason to join this Senior Golf Club besides golfing. With a little smile, she walked through toward them. Through the window, she saw some tree’s leaves had changed their colour to yellow. “Winter is coming” she realized. “So am I” she sighed.
-122 words; Second draft [first draft was 148 words; reduction of 26 words or 18%]
I deleted some attributive adjectives such as “,,on her fashionable appearance” to “,, on her fashion”, “ ,,beer mugs on the tables.” to “,, beer mugs.” (thank you Brad, beer mugs usually on the table, not on the floor) and “,, watching the T.V. screen in the corner of the room.” to “ ,,watching the T.V.” (where T.V. is not so important and it usually in the corner of the room.
To make my sentences more clear , I changed them; It was the only chance she could talk in her mother language and she realized it was the only reason she joined this Japanese Canadian Senior Golf Club .(original script) to “ It was a chance she could talk in her mother language and a reason to join this Senior Golf Club.
Hope everybody will understand what I meant in second script.
Second assignment is tough one because if I changed someone’s sentence, I might change his or her intension to write about. I picked up Brad’s sentence and rewrite as follow;
Original- Watching the two new houses go up had been something to do as he made yet another circuit of the community centre.
My suggestion-Watching the two new houses go up had been something to do while he was picketing.
Reason-From my experience, when you were picketing standing still you would see a scenery and when you were moving around you would see another scenery. New houses do not move, or do they? Or simply my misunderstanding of Brad’s meaning, I wonder.
At night club
once a time she invited me to a night club that she used to go. My usual costume shocked them all.She was not very prominent here, for the others had already broken all the taboos away.One over drunk girl,came to her and toasted her, just covered a thing no more than a bikini. When she closed to us,a gust of smell mixed alcohol and perfume almost choked me.The big hall was dim,and many dens at the corners were dark enough for billing and cooing. A group of girls played their belly dance on the highlighted stage and almost wore nothing too.The brass band played crazily.The sound of drums and cymbals made me deafen.The dirty air that full of cigar smoke, alcohol vapour and the smell of perfume made me vomit.I couldn't bear it any more, so I ran away.But she seemed to like those very much.
Note to Hongxin and Suzanne: Your homework is not complete! Please reread the instructions at this post and see Masaru's example.
Revised paragraph:
After supper, Louie walks around the park near his house. This has been his habit since he suffered from diabetes two years ago. T-shirt and short pants are his favorite outfit in summer. It is hot and humid. He gets all wet after two rounds, so he stops to wipe the sweat. Looking around the park, a familiar face comes to his sight: “strange man” ,everyone calls him, and nobody knows what his name is. With the invariable dark coat and baseball cap, he seems not feel the weather’s change.
-90 words, 35 words cut
I cut the last sentence. It’s little related to the above setting, and it is only a function sentence to connect the followings.
I chose this sentence from Tina’s paragraph: It is over-sized to a college student but I feel cool when I pack my book stuff into it every day.
Cut the “ when …” clause
My Iranian classmate yesterday told me: “You are good looking.” So what? My boyfriend said so every day. My good looking is nothing. I have to live on my own. Actually I hate my part-time job here, how could I be a good student, in the mean time work as my parents expected? I notice people passing by me stare at my new “Samesonite” luggage, my favourite brand bought by my parents. It is over-sized to a college student but I feel cool. Have you noticed that college guys love staring at good looking girls? I would prefer people to enjoy the scent of my “Miracle Forever” perfume, rather than look at my “good looking” face. 116 words(original 146 words).
He walked slowly. Around his neck a placard said, “Sam’s Strike; CUPE Local 15.” Across the street, he noticed the construction workers were off. Watching the two new houses go up, he made another circuit of the community centre. The grass around here was raggy. Passing the garbage bin at the back of the ice rink, he noted with disgust that white plastic bags were pecked by crows and fast food containers inside the bags were spread everywhere. Nice counterpoint to the pile of evergreen bows before, he thought. Idiots! The pile on fire set by someone made the asphalt melting in a three meter wide circle. He resumed his pointless walk around the closed-now-for-ten weeks community centre. (118 words, reduction of 51 words from 169 words)
About the revising:
I deleted the second sentence, that is: "Both of them were my classmates in the secondary school, and they are both changed a lot." The reason is that this sentence added nothing about the "setting". And then, I concentrated "the stage was bright on highlight" to be a adjective "highlighted" and combined it into the next sentence,so it come to be "on the highlighted stage".Besides I canceled some repeated parts such as,"The drums and big cymbals were beaten loudly.The sound made me deafen."were concentrated to be "The sound of drums and big cymbals made me deafen." In this way, I cut the paragraph from the original 202 words to 149 words about 26% reduced.
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