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A man gets off a bus, stumbles, looks around embarrassed and sees a woman, smiling at him. Post at least two different versions!
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All four versions below, including first person, omniscient and objective narrations. Version 4 is a tighter edit, with changes in sentence styles.
Roland and Sylvia (Version 1)
The bus was late getting to the station but then so was Sylvia, usually.
“Damn!” he muttered under his breath. His pack strap looped around the guard rail, its buckle caught in the gap between it and the seat in front, like a rainbow trout hitting hard on a fly fisherman’s hook.
Off balance, the man managed to pull his pack out of its predicament, but at the bottom of the stairs misjudged the gap and fell hard in front of several dozen people waiting on the platform.
Sylvia was not among them.
Roland felt his cheeks redden as he stumbled his way upright again. His pants were torn at the knee and his elbow ached vaguely.
It was then that he saw her. She wore a red sweater, black jeans and just a hint of her belly showed between. Her eyes followed him, her smile inviting. She held his gaze just a bit longer than she had to, at least in embarrassing circumstances.
—3rd person limited omniscient (164 words)
Roland and Sylvia (Version 2)
I checked my watch. The bus was late in again! But then so was Sylvia. At least she usually was. God, I wish she’d at least try to get in on time for once.
And, wouldn’t you know it, on my way out of the bus my pack strap just had to get caught on the guard rail. Reminded me of fishing with Uncle Frank, but, in this case, I was the trout wriggling on the end of his line.
I proceeded to half run down the stairs and, of course, tripped as I misjudged the gap and ended up, ass over teakettle, in front of the crowd, which I noted, to my chagrin, didn’t include Sylvia. Figures!
Didn’t notice her at first, but there was this vision of a woman—red sweater, black jeans, just a bit of belly showing—and she was smiling at me. Our eyes met, ooh, and did they linger! Figured it was worth the blush on my cheeks and the hole in the knee of my brand new jeans.
—first person narration (175 words)
Roland and Sylvia (Version 3)
The Christmas lights lit up the crane overhanging the crowded bus station. Roland got off the bus from Des Moines, pulled out his cell, checked the time and turned his head to scan the platform.
As he did, the strap of his pack wedged itself into the side of the guardrail. Roland fell, hard, down the stairs and ended up standing in front of the crowd. His jeans were ripped at the knee. To his cheeks came a sudden blush of red, but it faded quickly.
Just then, Roland’s eyes fell on a woman standing across the platform. She wore a red sweater and black jeans, with just a hint of her belly showing. She was smiling at him.
—objective narration (119 words)
Roland and Sylvia (Version 4)
The bus was late! Sylvia, too, no doubt.
“Damn!” Roland muttered as his pack strap caught in the guardrail. He pulled it loose. It gave way suddenly and launched him down the stairs where he collapsed in a heap.
The crowd barely acknowledged his pratfall, recognizing by his disheveled appearance and alcohol-laced breath that Roland had had a few too many.
A woman in the crowd, not Sylvia, smiled at him. He noted her red sweater, the curve of her hips clad in black denim, the inviting hint of her belly. And he noticed how her eyes held his just a second longer than usual.
—A “tighter” version of my first omniscient draft (105 words)
***
Story by Suzanne, reposted by Brad.
Hurry like a Whirlwind
The bus is moving toward a theater from the countryside to a hustling city. A man, Hurril, wears a sport cap, a varicolored shirt, and a pair of black jeans. He has made his shirt a loosen bow-tie in front of his tummy.
Hurrying like a whirlwind for a blind date in the theater, he is too hasty to step on the ground properly when the bus stopped. It causes him to have a trip, so that he walks by the way of limping and hopping like he is playing hopscotch.
He wishes nobody pays attention on his awkward situation. When he looks around, a gorgeous lady with fancy dress and modern high heel shoes is smiling at him. Then the lady approaches him and asks, “Have you seen a man, Hurril, who may take the same bus with you?” Hurril realizes the lady is the one he is going to date.
He feels embarrassed and suddenly blushes fiery red as if he is desperate to hide himself under the ground.
At the Bus Loop
1
She’s here! That one sitting on the bench!
I jumped up from my seat and moved towards the exit, dodging through passengers on the bus. I couldn’t believe my luck.
We had met at Commodore the night before and made a conversation or two. When she didn’t give me her number, I blurted out, “I’ll be at Lost Lagoon by the bus loop tomorrow. Are you coming?”
She shrugged her shoulders and turned away, but I yelled at her back, “Two o’clock! I’ll be there!”
And look what had happened. Man, she’s so pretty. I couldn’t wait to get out. My fist was thumping at the automatic door, and I burst out the door as soon as it opened, flying. Then—oops! My lazy shoelace! I tripped and crashed on the sidewalk, my face flat. Damn it!
I heard people’s gasps and faint chuckles in the back. It hurt.
But I picked myself up bravely. It’s no biggie, keep it cool, I told myself. Then my fingers felt something on the nose and came with blood. What the . . . ?!
I thought I was the biggest loser at this point, because, you know, this wasn’t proper way to introduce myself. But when I peeked at her, what do you think I saw? A smile. On her beautiful face. God, I almost saw a halo above her head.
(First person- a man, 229 words)
2
His face brightened up as the bus loop came in the sight. Through the window, he recognized the girl sitting on a bench, her back straight, hands on her hair against the wind. He’d met her at Commodore the night before and asked her out, but he wasn’t sure if she would show up.
He stood up from the seat and moved toward the exit, his eyes glued to the girl outside. He couldn’t hide his grin and started pounding the door as the bus prepared to stop.
As soon as the automatic door opened, he jumped out, ahead of everyone else. But the next moment he fell flat on his face. His shoelace was loose; it tripped him.
His pain was excruciating—physically and emotionally—but he stood up, fully aware of people around him. He felt his cheeks hot, and his nose was bleeding, too. He thought he couldn’t face the girl. Tentatively he looked up to her a few yards away, and found out she was smiling.
(Limited omniscient, 170 words)
3
It’s already quarter past two. Didn’t he say “two o’clock”?
I felt like an idiot. I’d been sitting on the bench at the bus loop for twenty minutes. Okay, he’s probably not going to show up. That was just a stupid talk.
Well, I didn’t mean to come here, either. Just that I didn’t have anything particular to do in the afternoon, and the guy at Commodore popped up in my mind. We’d just met last night, but what a heck, give it a shot, right? Oh, well. I’d better pack up and hit the mall.
Just then another bus came to the loop, and I saw him inside. He was standing by the door and grinning like a madman. He started banging the door! What’s he up to? It was kinda scary.
And he fell! Just after he got out of the bus. Ouch. Everyone stopped and stared at him while he was flat on the pavement for a good thirty second. When he stood up, I saw his cheeks were scraped. He rubbed his nose, and blood came out, too.
Some people snickered like this was the attraction of the day, and I was suddenly sorry for him. He looked a bit goofy (and probably was) but kinda cute. I smiled at him.
(First person- a woman, 215 words)
4
The bus slowed down towards the loop. A few people were scattered around the stop, and among them, a young woman with a long hair sat on the bench. She was enjoying the view of Lost Lagoon near by, but when the bus came to stop, she was startled. A young man on the bus was pounding the automatic door. He was grinning. He jumped out the door and fell flat on the pavement. His loose shoelace caught his foot. It was a considerable thud, and people stood agape around him. He was motionless for a minute but stood up. His cheeks were red with scrapes, his nose bleeding. Faint chuckles were behind him, and he couldn’t put his face up. Awkwardly he dusted himself and peeked at her. What he found was her smiling face.
(Objective-136 words)
5
He saw her sitting on the bench at the loop, and his face brightened up. Unable to sit still on the bus, he moved towards the exit. He couldn’t believe it. He had asked her out last night at Commodore but doubted if she would show up today. He was beaming and started to pound the automatic door. She was startled at this. They had casually met last night, and why was he grinning like a madman? The word “a lunatic” passed her mind.
He jumped out the bus as soon as the door opened, and fell flat on the pavement. His loose shoelace caught his foot. She grimaced. He was fully aware of the situation, all the people surrounding him and faint chuckles and all, and stood up with a grace he could manage. His cheeks were red with scrapes, and his nose was bleeding. He was afraid to look up, especially to her, but eventually did it and found out she was smiling. She thought his awkwardness was quite likable.
(Omniscient with two person’s thoughts, 172 words)
Hiromi,
An enjoyable series of narratives on a man getting off a bus. I found the pieces a bit "loose" feeling. Try tightening one of the longer ones by reducing 20% in the word count.
The two first persons seem a bit similar (the man and the woman). Try making one of them more different from the other as an exercise, too.
Guess the rest of the blogging world is enjoying the weather (sunny walk this p.m. was a delight!)
Please consider this version. I made some terrible mistakes in my previous version.
Cher Brad, could you please cancel my previous version? Thank you!
Bondol
The place was in Bandol, a small provençale city in the south of France. The time was 9 pm in the evening of October 15, 1995. She was already there. She was one of these delicate and mysterious and wordless women, dark-thick haired and sky-blue-eyed. At the bus stop in front of the post-office, she was there to fulfill her fifteen-year promise. Few pedestrians went by, but nobody stopped.
A dark-blue bus walked in the darkness of Bandol and lay down at the bus stop, with some rueful cracks on the body. A narrow door opened, a middle-aged man in black suit got off the bus. Like a flash, his watery eyes seized the slight smiling of the sky-blue-eyed woman. Yes! It is she! Tripping badly, he tried hard to move his body towards the woman, the woman stayed at the same place. It seemed to him that she was so far and she was in another side of the ocean.
Now in the half-sleeping Bandol, embarrassed and eager, the man took all of his energy to cross the “ocean” that had separated them for fifteen years.
Yes, for fifteen years, she had been in another side of the Indian Ocean…
(199 words)
Lily Flower
That was a sunny afternoon in early spring more than ten years ago. Arriving in Saigon from Air-France, a red bus picked me up and led me to my destination. My fiancé was a nice and romantic and beautiful woman. She planed a secret engagement party in a charming bamboo village near Saigon. Just few of our intimate friends were invited.
Swallowing the crystal-clear air from a broken window of the bus, I tried hard to keep my heart in its house but it run with the bus! The tropical air made me melted and unconscious. I felt something unexpected was going to happen… Yes, something smelled honey and absorbent… Numb, I couldn’t even move my fingers! I began to sweat like under a silky warm shower.
Suddenly, the bus stopped. “No, not yet your village,” my neighbour of the bus informed me kindly. “You’d better have a sleep, because it will take another one hour.”
Outside the broken window, I saw a lily-like beautiful Vietnamese was smiling at me. In a milky long skirt, her eyes were two dark pools; her mouth, a ripe cherry. My mind was empty. Seized my baggage, pushed the crow, I got off the bus.
“Gentleman! This is not your destination!” the neighbour shouted loudly.
“Thank you! Sir! This is my real destination!”
Walking to the Lily Flower, I tripped slightly due to the long flight, Turning her smiling face to another side, she avoided seeing my embarrassed legs and heavily sweating face.
I cannot tell you what happened after in that early spring afternoon. But I can tell you that my engagement party has been cancelled forever; and now in Paris, the Lily Flower is the mother of my two beautiful black-haired and black-eyed girls.
(294 words)
Thanks for the suggestion, Brad.
I agree that the shorter is better.
Revisons:
1
I saw her sitting on a bench at the loop and jumped up from my seat. I felt like flying, moving towards the exit in the crowded bus. I’d met her the night before at Commodore and asked to go out, but to tell the truth, I wasn’t sure if she would show up.
But look, she’s here! I was thumping the automatic door with my fist as the bus slowed down, and when it opened, I burst out. Then—oops! My lazy shoelace! I was in the air for a split second and crashed on the sidewalk, flat. Damn it!
I heard gasps and faint chuckles in my back. It hurt. But I stood up bravely, telling myself, it’s no big deal, keep it cool. That’s when I noticed my nose was bleeding, too.
At this point I thought I was the biggest loser in the world, but when I peeked at her, what do you think I saw? A smile. On her beautiful face. God, I almost saw a halo above her head.
(Revised: First person- a man, 175 words)
3
It was already quarter past two, and I was wondering if it was just a joke. I’d met a guy at Commodore the night before, and he said he’d be here, the bus loop, at two o’clock. Since I didn’t have anything particular in the afternoon, I took a chance. Oh, well.
Just then another bus came to the loop, and I saw him inside. He was grinning like a madman and pounding at the door. Honestly, it scared me a bit.
He jumped out the bus and almost instantly fell flat on the pavement. Ouch. He’d tripped on his shoelace. When he stood up, his cheeks were red with scrapes, his nose bleeding. Everyone was staring at him, and some were openly laughing. And I felt sorry for him. He seemed a little careless but pleasant. In fact, he reminded me of the puppy I’d had a long time ago. I smiled at him.
(Revised: First person- a woman, 155 words)
But still these two seem similar...
Helena,
For "Bondol" try taking out about 50% of the adjectives. Substitute with stronger verbs and actions of the character as a substitute.
For "Lily Flower" try to make us guess more at the beginning of your story. Plant hints rather than give details.
You are right that French has influenced your writing. In English, the French style does seem a bit "flowery" to our more practical minds (we English!).
Hiromi:
I believe the characters seem different. The woman is more self reflective; the man a "puppy dog" type, but lovable.
Your female narrator could omit the sentence, "He seemed a little careless but pleasant." as it telegraphs the metaphor to come, which, bit itself, is plenty for me to get the meaning intended.
The Uptown Bus to Grey Town always smells of sweat and dirty nere-do-well’s. Jeremy can’t wait to get off. Two young girls with piercings on eyebrows, nose and lips keep snickering behind their milky-white hands and shooting sidelong, mascaraed looks at him. Jeremy wonders if he’s left some of his lunch on his face as he pulls the next stop rope.
He gathers his knapsack and starts toward the exit. The smell has become unbearable; An unflushed toilet, an out-house, a cat litter box left unattended for a month. The large, elderly woman in front of him takes forever to get to the exit and the smell seems to be emanating from her in slow, languorous, putrid waves. Jeremy is in such a hurry to get out and away from the stench, he doesn’t see one of the two young girls put her leg out in front of him. He sees only the open door and fresh air as the big lady finally clears the exit.
He trips and flies through the doors. For a split second he’s airborne. He lands hard on his hands and knees. Reeling in pain and anger he notices two smartly made high heel shoes followed by two shapely legs. Through pain he follows this line of vision up towards a kind, concerned, beautiful face. She smiles awkwardly and helps him to his feet. He’s blushing furiously and stammers a hurried thank-you.
Sat Jan 06, 02:46:00 PM 2007
Stacey:
Lots of fun, this first version. You might try making the same scene with lots of dialogue and less description, for example. Another thing is to take out some of the telling comments like "can't wait to get off" and convert them to showing (Jeremy's actions that show he's impatient etc.)
Try also a first person narration from Jeremy. You could also try omniscient style where you know what, for example, the girls are thinking (or not thinking!) Have fun!
A New Comer (Version 1)
Since the young man got on my bus, I had noticed that he might be a new comer.
Unlike other Asia men he was not short but odd; nobody wears such normal three-piece suit like that on a bus!
I could see him in my mirror: while everyone settled down, he turned his face to the window, stared at the every direction sign of the streets, and shifted his body on the seat. Absolutely, he was a little bit nervous.
When I stopped the bus at the station, he walked to the door, waited, and waited.
“Hasn’t he seen the words on the door STEP DOWN AND PUSH THE POLE”? I though.
“Could you open the door?” He asked me aloud.
“He must be a new comer.” I came to him.
“Let me show you.” I stepped down and the door opened automatically.
His face went red.
“Thanks.” He hastily escaped from the bus.
Then, before I knew what was happening he slipped and fell on the icy pavement in front of crowd!
“OH, MY GOD!” I cried.
At that time, a pretty blond girl approached and helped him to stand up with smiling.
“Good luck, young man!” I turned back to my seat and hoped he would have a good time in Vancouver.
A New Comer (Version 2)
Lee felt nervous when he was on the bus because it was his first time taking a bus in Vancouver. He pretended as much as possible that he wasn’t a new comer; he doesn’t like people laughing at him.
When the bus stopped at the station, he walked to the door, waited, and waited, but it was very odd that the door didn’t open, and everyone looked at him including the bus driver.
“Could you open the door?” Lee asked.
In China, opening or shutting the door is the bus driver’s responsibility.
“He must be a new comer.” The drive thought and came to help.
“Let me show you.” He stepped down and the door opened automatically.
Lee’s face was hot.
“Thanks.” He hastily escaped from the bus.
Then, before he knew what was happening he slipped and fell on the icy pavement in front of crowd; especially he noticed that a pretty blond girl was watching and smiling at him!
“OH, NO! How silly I am!” He nearly cried.
“Are you ok?” the girl approached him and helped him to stand up.
Actually, she felt a little bit guilty, “I shouldn’t laugh at him, and it embarrassed him.” She regretted.
*1st version
The Special Cherries
The long-distanced bus, Greyhound from Penticton, arrived at Main terminal in Vancouver at 7:30 P.M. on schedule. Jerry stepped out from the stairs with caution, carrying his heavy backpack on his left shoulder, holding a basket of fresh cherries in his right arm, which he had picked in the early morning for his wife, Lucy. He marched on the sidewalk, imagining the moment when Lucy would be excited at these big pieces of Okanagan ruby cherries. Unconsciously, he disregarded the crossroad; a large silver truck honked, creaked and stopped at his side. Screaming, he dropped the basket, and the cherries scattered all over.
“Oh, what a fool!” Jerry cried out, but at the same time, he was ashamed by the pedestrians, watching the miserable scene.
“Hey, Jerry. Look out!” A woman with short curly hair jumped off from the truck. It was Lucy. “Let’s pick them up quickly otherwise they’ll be smashed.” She told to him in a crisp voice with a brilliant smile. Jerry nodded to her, and they crept on the crossroad to collect all the cherries.
< 3rd person limited omniscient 181 words >
*2nd version
During the long weekend, I was staying my aunt’s farm in Okanagan to help for fruits picking. To return my home, I took Greyhound from Penticton, and it arrived at the terminal in Vancouver on time at 7:30 P.M. I slowly moved ahead the narrow passage because my backpack was too heavy through a variety of fruits and vegetables. Besides, I was holding a basket with full of cherries that was the request from my wife, Lucy. While I was walking down the sidewalk, I thought of her exciting face. I guessed she would make compote for a cherry pie and a black forest cake. Abruptly, a nightmare occurred when I was in the middle of the road; a large truck was almost going to run over me. Luckily, I wasn’t killed, but the cherries were spread over the crossroad. Since the crowd was staring at me, I felt I was an idiot. Surprisingly, the truck was quite similar to mine and the reckless driver was Lucy. I was really mad about her. She shouted at me although it was her fault. How selfish! As usual, her beaming smile calmed me down, so we immediately began to gather the cherries not to destroy by cars.
< First person 205 words >
The snowflakes flip on my face, the sky is totally covered by dark curtain. I'm walking back and forward at bus stop, and anxiously looked into the distance in which the bus is supposed to come from; however, it hasn't appeared since 10 days ago that i have been waiting for it from then......
(to be continuing)
Hi,Brad and everyone:
Sorry for not finishing the home work "A Man Gets Off a Bus"yet. I envy you guys very much for you all have already got off the bus;however, i haven't yet got on. I'm trying my best to finish it as soon as possible.
On the other hand, even though i'm very keen on seeing you guys again at the class, Catherine and i will be absent on Wednesday(might be Thursday too) as some friends of ours from the States are visiting us at that time.
See you guys later.
Hurry Like a Whirlwind
In order to show her I am a lively youth. I figured I should wear a sport cap, a varicolored shirt, and a pair of black jeans. I even made my shirt a bow-tie in front of my tummy.
Spending too much time on my dress, I was almost late for the bus. Hurry up, I gasped to catch up that once every hour bus to go to downtown. Although I only contacted her a couple times by internet, she would be a beautiful and fashionable girl that I imaged all the way on the bus.
I couldn’t wait to meet her. I approached the exit when the bus got close to the bus stop nearby a theater where I was going to date with her. I dashed out while the automatic door was just half open. God damn it! I misjudged the distance to the ground then stumbled. I leapt like a kid playing hopscotch. I figured there were many people on the street, but I wished nobody paid attention on my awkward situation.
As I looked around, a gorgeous girl with fancy dress and high heel shoes smiled and asked me if I had seen Hurril whom she supposed taking the same bus with me. Oh, no! it was her who I was hurrying to date. I felt embarrassed and my cheeks blushed fiery red immediately. God! It was hard to tell her true; however, I had a wonderful blind date after I explained my feelings.
( first person narration,253 words)
A Man Gets Off a Bus
Version 1
When she appeared at the front door, all eyes on the bus were focusing on her, including my, off course. She was that kind of my dreaming girl.
Oh, my, she was walking to me; my heart started throbbing with excitement.
“Excuse me, can I sit here?” She pointed the seat next to me.
“Sure, sure.” I nodded my head heavily. I thought I was shot by Cupid’s arrow.
When I was racking my brains to find a way to strike up a conversation with her, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen, and couldn’t wait to go to washroom.
“Damn McDonald! What the hell did they put in their breakfast? Cathartic?” In mute, I constantly cursed Mr. McDonald with all bad words I ever knew, from his grandpa to his mother.
The situation was getting worse and worse; the need of going to washroom became extremely urgent.
“Excuse me, Sir, could you do me a favor?” The girl suddenly said to me, with a charming smile.
“No,” I shout out, jumped to my feet, darted to the door. At that moment, all my mind was seized by washroom only, even if Britney Spears came to me asking for a hug, I would let her go to the hell.
“Come on, stop please, please please please….” I yelled loudly in my heart. I couldn’t imagine how serious the result would be in case I failed to hold it until getting a washroom.
The bus finally stopped; however, it was too late. Just before the bus door opened, my private door had opened already…
I jumped out of the bus. Something on the ground tripped me and making me a pratfall. Not even pausing to check what it was on the ground, I turned my head to give the girl a peek. “Gee, she is laughing at me. However,” I told myself: “she will hardly laugh out when the bus is filled with bad smell later.”
Without further delay, I run off as fast as my legs could carry me.
(P.S.: I have to say sorry to Jeremy—the protagonist in Stacey’s story, the stench you smelled on the bus was not emanating from that large and elderly woman.)
--first person narration (369 words)
Version 2
Catherine clearly knew that all eyes on the bus were watching her as soon as she got on. She liked and enjoyed very much to be the focus of attention.
She noticed that there was an empty seat at the rear of the bus. Next to it, it was a middle-age man who looked like Tom Cruise.
“Oh, my, that was the kind of my dreaming man.” Catherine thought with excitement.
“Excuse me, can I sit here?” She pointed the empty seat.
“Sure, sure.” The man nodded his head heavily.
After sit down, Catherine started racking her brains to find a way to strike up a conversation with the man. “Let’s pretend to ask the direction.”
“Excuse me, Sir, could you do me a favor?” said Catherine with a charming smile.
“No.” The man shouted out. Like seeing a ghost, he jumped up from the seat, and darted to the door.
Totally shocked by the reaction from the guy, Catherine blushed fiery red and shaken a bit caused by anger.
“What a freak! He must have some mental problem.” She ground out between clenched teeth.
Suddenly, with the bus stopped at the station, Catherine saw the guy launched himself into the air, and then fell down on the ground with the butts landing first.
“Bingo!” Catherine couldn’t help to burst out laughing, and yelled in her mind: “Asshole! That’s all you need. Poor guy, hope his two balls are not broken.”
Before long, her smile faded out quickly when some bad smell poured into her nostrils.
“What the hell is it?” She murmured with frown.
---- 3rd person limited omniscient (265 words)
Black Glasses
John was imaging how the pan pal girl looks like during the bus ridding. He met the girl through an Internet chatting site and made a decision to meet each other at the public place. He gave his information to her; he’d wear a red check shirt and black jean. He wished the girl would have beautiful smile and attractive appearance. He got off the bus and carefully watched for the girl who he only knew her voice. There was a blond girl raised her hand toward him and approached with beautiful smile. He could feel his heart’s running and his face’s burning. “H..a..i, Olivia!, you’re Oli..,” she passed by him and hugged with other man just behind him. Simultaneously he trapped by his shoes lace and lost his balance. He embarrassed the whole situation, needed a time to rearrange his feeling and his memories, and he slowly raised his body. “Are you John?” he heard a familiar voice and greatly turned his red face toward the voice. He saw a girl who brought a big guide dog and send him beautiful smile. Olivia had very attractive appearance, beautiful smile, and a bid black glasses on her beautiful face.
---3rd person limited omniscient
My name is John. I met a girl, Olivia, through an Internet chatting site and made a decision to meet each other at the public place. I gave my information to her such as what I’d wear, a red check shirt and black jean, and how’s my appearance. I wished the girl would have beautiful smile and attractive appearance. I got off the bus and carefully watched for Olivia who I only knew her voice. There was a blond girl raised her hand toward me and approached with beautiful smile. She was exactly as same as I expected in the bus. I could feel my heart’s running and my face’s burning. “H..a..i, Olivia!, you’re Oli..,” she ignored me, passed by me and hugged with other man just behind me. Simultaneously I trapped by my shoes lace and lost my balance. I suddenly embarrassed the whole situation, needed a time to rearrange my feeling and my memories, and I slowly raised my body. “Are you John?” I heard a familiar voice and greatly turned my red face toward the voice. I saw a girl who brought a big guide dog and was sending me beautiful smile. She was Olivia. Olivia had very attractive appearance, beautiful smile, and a bid black glasses on her beautiful face.
---1st person narration
John was looking outside the window during the bus ridding. He met the girl through an Internet chatting site and made a plan to meet each other at the public place. He gave his information to her; he’d wear a red check shirt and black jean. He got off the bus and watched for the girl who he only knew her voice. There was a blond girl raised her hand toward him and approached with beautiful smile. His face’s burning and his voice was murmuring, “H..a..i, Olivia!, you’re Oli…” Without answering to him, she just passed by him and hugged with other man just behind him. Simultaneously he trapped by his shoes lace and lost his balance. He seemed to be embarrassed. It took time to raise his body. “Are you John?” a girl who brought a big guide dog asked him. He turned his red face toward the voice. He watched the girl, and she send him beautiful smile. They shared several conversations and shook their hands. “Hi, Olivia. Great see you. I’m John.” She was Olivia. She had very attractive appearance, beautiful smile, and a bid black glasses on her beautiful face.
---objective point of view
I’m John. I met the girl, Olivia, at an Internet chatting site three month ago. We made an appointment to meet at the public place few days ago. I was imaging how the pan pal girl looks like during the bus ridding and wished she had good looking - sexy. I said I’d wear a red check shirt and black jean. I got off the bus and watched for the sexy girl I knew her voice. A blond girl raised her hand toward me and approached with beautiful smile. My heart’s running and my face’s burning. “Hi, Olivia, you must be Oli..,” she ignored me and hugged with other bastard just behind me. “What’s hell is this,” simultaneously I trapped by my shoes lace and lost my balance. Everything went wrong from that point. “Are you John?” I heard a familiar voice and greatly turned my red face toward the voice. I saw a girl who brought a big guide dog and send me beautiful smile. She was Olivia. She had very attractive appearance, beautiful smile, but a bid black glasses on her beautiful face. She was a blank. I didn’t answer her, ignored her, and left her.
-- different characteristic
Love Story in Prague
Eric and Stephanie are famous Korean idol stars well known to Asian. Now Stephanie works in both Japan and Korea, Eric just had performed his marathon concerts in Vietnam, China, and Japan. His agency made him study Japanese, English, and even Mandarin to make him a world star.
At the Christmas season, Eric almost fainted to consume his deadly schedules. Once Eric was on the stage of the Christmas special show of the KBC, he met Stephanie on the back stage. They fell in love, however making their own time was impossible. The only thing they could do was talking through the text message.
One day Stephanie sent a text message,
“Let’s have our time on lunar New Year’s Day. I’ll see you in front of the Prague Royal Palace. I’ll show you the time stopped city, Prague”
Stephanie waited Eric sitting on a pavement at the city tour bus stop. Several city tour buses passed already. She breathed deeply the fresh air of Prague. Soon she saw a bus was coming toward her, and Eric was on the bus with a bundle of roses in his hand. Stephanie made a big hearts with her arms. As soon as the bus stopped, Eric jumped off the bus, but he lost his balance and stumbled with the roses. Pink rose petals rolled toward Stephanie. Stephanie laughed loudly.
Objective POV
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One day I was depressed about consuming the schedules during Christmas season.
“I am not a workaholic, why do I have to work in Christmas?”
About the time I was blaming my agency on the backstage, I saw a beautiful girl walking towards me.
“Who is she? Is she Stephanie?”
I was delighted with her, and I quickly went to talk to her. Eventually she became my girl friend from the day. Unfortunately, because of Paparazzi, stylists, coordinators, and the fans, we couldn’t meet each other. All we could do was the text massages.
One day I felt a vibration of my cell phone, and quickly looked at it. It was a text massage from Stephanie.
“Let’s have our time on lunar New Year’s Day. I’ll see you in front of the Prague Royal Palace. I’ll show you time stopped city, Prague”
I was surprised and happy about the trip. Before departure I adjusted my schedules and flew to Prague. Prague was a beautiful city with middle ages’ gothic spires. After a few minutes on the city tour bus, I found Stephanie. She made a big heart for me with her arms. When the door opened, I jumped off the bus and I accidentally stumbled. The roses that I bought in the airport were all massed up. When I looked up, Stephanie was laughing and laughing.
First person POV
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“Oh! What a poor my life! It’s too busy to breathe deeply.”
I am a Korean Idol star working in both Japan and Korea.
One day I met Eric on the backstage of the KBC during the Christmas season. He was attractive and handsome enough to be my boyfriend. Since we are stars, our relationship had to be kept in secret.
One day, I sent a text massage to Eric.
“Let’s have our time on lunar New Year’s Day. I’ll see you in front of the Prague Royal Palace. I’ll show you the time stopped city, Prague”
Two years ago, I had been there for my soap drama location. Prague was so beautiful, therefore I decided to come again with my boy friend.
I arrived at Prague and waited Eric in front of the Prague Royal palace. I looked blankly at the young couples’ happy faces and enjoyed the general public life. After several city tour buses passed, a bus which Eric was on was coming. Eric waved rose bouquet with smile and I made big heart with my arms. As soon as the bus door opened, Eric jumped off the bus and stumbled on the ground. The rose petals rolled toward me. I laughed and laughed.
First person POV
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Young Korean idol star’s life is a rather painful. They work every day and night. They willingly restrain from their private life. Eric and Stephanie are well known Korean idol stars. They should show happy face and good appearance all the time whether they feel good or not to their hectic fans.
At the Christmas season, Eric and Stephanie felt tired with tons of schedules. On the back stage of the Christmas show of the KBC, Eric met Stephanie and fell in love. However making their time was impossible. The only thing they could do was talking through the text message. They missed each other. One day Stephanie sent a text message.
“Let’s have our time on lunar New Year’s Day. I’ll see you in front of the Prague Royal Palace. I’ll show you the time stopped city, Prague.”
“Oh! Great!” Eric shouted with joy.
Stephanie waited Eric sitting on the pavement at the city tour bus stop. As time goes by, she felt nervous.
“Can he come?”
Stephanie looked up the blue sky and the grand gothic spires. Soon she found a bus was coming toward her. Gratefully, Eric was on the bus waving a rose bouquet. As soon as the door opened, Eric jumped off the bus. He lost his balance and stumbled with pink roses. Eric frowned and Stephanie laughed loudly with joy
Omniscient POV
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Hi All,
Some general comments. First off, many of you want to write the whole story! The intent of the exercise is to write the scene only and not to provide us with a large amount of the plot leading up to or following the scene.
Another area that needs to be addressed is paragraphing, especially when putting your writing into the comments section. Leave a double space between paragraphs (see Larry or Catherine or Ritsuko or Helena's to see what I mean).
Also, for fiction, be aware of the need to paragraph for each new speaker of dialogue.
Certainly, however, if you feel one of your excerpts is worth developing into a whole story, then you should consider doing so.
You might ask yourself which form of narration (e.g. first person) worked best for you and why. Try to practice as much as you can writing in different ways!
It is unusually cold in Vancouver. Roads are icy, people are sleepy, Nature is in hibernation, but life continues.
Early morning, I am on my usual rout to job, waiting for the bus at the exchange loop near Braid Station. Buses come and go, people dash towards their next transportation vehicle. I always like to watch people on the streets still learning the environment. This weather gives me extra comedy shows with a hint of bitterness.
1. Bus #155 arrives. A well-groomed man, who doesn’t belong to this crowd, pushes the door from inside (sure, he uses public transportation for the first time and doesn’t know how to get out). After the door opens unexpectedly, he flies down, slips on the frozen side walk, and finds himself on all fours, losing his brief-case and glasses. He tries his best to avoid improper language, since I am smiling at him, already knowing that he got off easy.
2. Hey, he was not the only one who touched the ground with his nose today at the same place. So, the place should be blamed, not the people. The next bus arrives to the same stop. A guy with two huge black garbage bags filled with cans tries to get out as quickly as possible.(I didn’t know that collectors use buses for this purpose). He seems to be wearing every piece of clothing he possesses, which makes him move rather awkwardly. When the door opens, he follows the bags that he threw out of the bus, slips on the frozen sidewalk, and stumbles into one of his bags. The bag explodes with a myriad of different cans, which immediately roll all over the sidewalk. This man had also a happy landing, thanks to many layers of clothing on him. Muttering under his breath, he picks up his cans one by one. People around, including me, are laughing and helping him to catch his treasures.
My entertainment ends, since my bus is coming up.
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