NEW: I've made changes to all the stories (first three to four paragraphs) and inserted comments inside your text (in italics) and a comment at the end as well. We'll look at how to use Writeboard.com in class this week.
Struggling to Survive by Esther
Perfect Man by Makassia
Making Notes by Snow
A Good Beginning by Hongxin Guo
The Anniversary by Beatrice
Struggling to Survive by Esther
Perfect Man by Makassia
Making Notes by Snow
A Good Beginning by Hongxin Guo
The Anniversary by Beatrice
5 comments:
I was absent last Friday. I do not understand what is this,brad! Could you explain it to me?
Hi Sonya,
I will post your story, too. The Writeboard is a place where we can work together to edit stories in a safe place (as editing can be undone and more than one of us can contribute to an edit). The password for all the stories is writing12.
Perfect Man (original version)
Nafina was the prettiest girl in a small village called Jala. Every morning when other girls are busying helping their moms to cook breakfast, Nafina would be busy polishing her nails with nail polish, rolling her hair with hair rollers and making her long beautiful face look even prettier. She always sat under a mango tree three blocks way from the village since it was where most of all the villagers sat in the afternoon and gossip about whoever was on the rumor-list.
“Nafina’s mom was crying again this morning about her daughter being too picky about what guy to marry,” said a slender girl.
“Well, that’s…,” another girl started, but suddenly stopped when she saw the victim swaggering with a satisfied smile on her face.
The slender girl said hello to her and asked, “Why are you smiling?”
“It’s that sick guy we saw on our way to the market the other day”
The other two girls looked puzzled.
“The guy that said he likes me and would like to marry me?”
“Oh. What did he say this time?” The other girl asked, mockingly.
“The same trash”
“I don’t see any problem with that guy, Nafina. He’s really handsome,” the slender girl said.
“Have you seen his left arm?” Nafina asked disappointedly
“He has a burnt mark on his arm she continued, “and when he smiles, I feel like going underneath the ground because he is a wart. Moreover, I do not want to marry any man who has marks on any part of his body. His skin must be as smooth as a baby’s butt.”
The two girls changed a gossip look and then burst into laughter.
“I don’t think you’d get marry then because I don’t think you’d find a man like that,” the slender girl said.
Nafina glared at her and sighed. They all sat silent and watched the twilight as it outlined in the western horizon.
The next day at noon, Nafina who was dressed in her best sleeveless summer dress, was sitting on a thick branch of the mango tree, facing the direction toward the village. A man from nowhere stood behind her, raking his hand through her long shinny hair. She whirled around and saw a light in complexion, handsome man, smiling at her. She smiled back and told him her name. The man said his name was Ramsey and that he is from the other village that is about five hours walking distance from Jala. They both sat, chitchatting for a while and he decided he wanted to go home because it would take him a while to get home.
On Friday, after three days of their meeting, he came back again from nowhere and sat awaiting Nafina. After five minutes, Miss pretty wandered toward the mango tree and suddenly walked a bit faster when she saw her “perfect man”. After a few aimless words, Perfect Ramsey said that he is in love with and would like to marry her and with no hesitation, Finicky accepted his proposal.
“You have to come with your parents first to see my parents and then they can discuss,” Nafina said.
“Sorry, I’m an orphan,” Ramsey said sadly. “I can go and see your parents now because I don’t have anybody to come with me.
You must be out of your mind,” Mrs. Sesay shouted when Nafina returned from escorting Ramsey. How could you agree to marry someone you don’t know?”
“Here we go again, mommy. What is wrong with marrying him? He‘s a nice guy and he loves me and that’s it whether you like it or not.
Tears rolled down her mom’s pale cheeks because she knew her daughter had made up her mind. She shoved Nafina out of her way and went into their brick house. Nafina rolled her blue eyes, entered the house, and without a word to her mom, sat eating the cooked rice on the wooden dinning table.
“When are you going to get marry?” Mina, Nafina’s best friend asked.
“In August,” she answered, with a smile that almost reached her ears.
“Nafina, I just want to let you know that your mom and I care and cherish you very much, so please don’t just marry that guy because you don’t know him and he hasn’t even told you very much about where he’s from.”
Nafina stood up and glared at her best friend. “I can see that my mom has impelled you to come and tell me this non-sense. When she was marrying my dad, I wasn’t there to tell her that dad is not the right man for her, so I want her to let me choose my own husband.” She walked away, leaving her best friend without any goodnight word.
Three other girls and two men escorted the new wedded couple. Their wedding has taken place in mid-August and only a few people were there at the wedding, including her mom who was dreadfully miserable.
“Darling, I think it’s getting dark now and it won’t be necessary for these people to follow us to our destination. So why don’t we let them go back and we two can continue our journey?” Ramsey said.
“Well, if you say so. But how many more hours do we have to walk?”
“I am sure we’ll be there in three hours because we’ve walked for two hours already.”
She thanked and told them to go back because it getting dark. The others headed back to Jala as they continue their journey. The sky was dark and smoky and lightning flashed, and thunder rumbled, echoing as if it was a million miles away.
After another three hours of walking, Nafina slouched while her “Perfect man” rushed. She shuffled toward a round rock near the dusty narrow road and sat on it.
“We’ve walked for another four hours, but haven’t reached the village yet.”
“Ramsey pretended he didn’t hear her. “I am talking to you, Ram,” she shouted angrily. Don’t tell me the village you’re talking about is Kinimisadu because it takes a walker twenty-four hours to get there.”
“It’s not Kinimisadu, he said softly. It’s between Jala and Kinimisadu.”
“There’s no village between Jala and Kinimisadu, Ram. For goodness sake, are you telling me that you don’t know your own village?”
“Come on Nafina, of course I know my own village.”
“I am not going anywhere because I am tired. Continue if you want, but I am not taking an inch from here. Either take me back to Jala or get me to your village in five minutes.”
Ramsey stood up and told her that he will get her some water to drink then. He left, leaving her sitting on the rock. After five or ten minutes, a voice roared from behind her.
“Let‘s go, darling.” She turned around and saw an enormous cobra that was nothing like her “perfect man”. She wondered where the voice came from and stared with horrified eyes at the snake and move backward, dragging on the ground.
“It’s me, pretty, the snake laughed.”
“Ramsey?” she asked
“Yes, it’s me, your “perfect man”.”
1,186 words
Let Me Hug You Again
Lisa and her two children live in St. Paul, a small city in the central Canada. When Lisa was twenty five years old, her husband left her, a week before she gave birth to twin girls. Lisa sustained the family on her own. She raised the children independently while she kept working as a counselor in St. Paul College. Although being a single mother was very hard, she was satisfied when she saw her children growing healthily and happily. What made her proud was both girls went to college in September 2007.
Eric and his only son moved to St. Paul in 2005. Eric lost his wife who died from breast cancer many years ago. The middle aged engineer working for a telephone company was fined with being alone, he thought. After all, he had pretty much given up on love.
In spring of 2008, he met Lisa in a friend’s party in a pub. They had some friends in common, recognized each other, but had never really talked before. The conversation that night was enjoyable, as if they had known each other for many years. In Eric’s eyes, Lisa was a special woman. Although she had a failed marriage and managed to rear two children on her own, she still was an optimist with open and friendly manner. For Lisa, she immediately knew the person who sat opposite her was the man for her.
After that unforgettable night, Lisa and Eric kept in touch. Lisa spent a whole afternoon in her home to prepare a good dinner and invited Eric to come ; Eric asked her if she would like to go to see a movie with him. They really enjoyed the time they spent. It wasn’t long before the two were living together in Eric’s house. They watered their garden in summer and went on camping trip in fall. Neither could believe they had been so lucky to have happened upon each other in mid-life.
But a morning in the winter, everything changed, throwing life into turmoil.
That morning, Eric, as usual, left the house by 5:30 for his morning shift. He murmured, “Bye, baby. Have a good day,” when he kissed Lisa. Then she went back to sleep.
It was rainy and dark. About 15 minutes driving, Eric was coming to a curve in the road by the Exit for the 100 Road. In a flash, his van and an oncoming car were on a collision course. He stuck in his vehicle and injured seriously.
Lisa awoke at 7am to a ringing phone, which she used to leave to the answering machine. She listened as the message was recorded: it was Eric’s boss, wondering if Eric had slept in. he was rarely late. Lisa called the boss back immediately, and told him Eric had left home for about two hours. The boss said Eric still hadn’t arrived at work. Finishing the call with the boss, Lisa called Eric. no answer on his cell phone, no response to a text message as well. She learned a horrific car accident that morning had closed the 100 Road for hours. 100 road, it was the road Eric drove every day. Lisa thought. With each phone call, Lisa found it progressively difficult to breathe.
Finally, a social worker from the St. Paul hospital –the trauma center called. Eric was there. The social worker said “come as quickly as you can”. The receiver dropped from Lisa’s hand. She felt dizzy so she leaned against the wall. For a while, she calmed down. She grabbed the car key and rushed out of the house. During the drive to the hospital, a single prayer looped through Lisa’s mind : please, please, don’t take him away from me. I have only just found him.”
The news at the hospital was terrible: the crash had sent the van’s steering wheel and engine ramming into Eric’s lap, crushing his pelvis, left foot, left arm, and ribs, compressing his abdomen and causing massive internal injuries. It had taken close to an hour for rescue crew to extract him from the twisted metal of his van .He had lost a lot of blood at the scene. The good news was his head and spinal cord were not injured.
The doctor told her Eric had to undergo the first of half a dozen lifesaving surgeries in the next few days. The medical staff gave Lisa consent forms to sign and admitted her to see him. Lisa knew staff’s intention. They were telling her to say goodbye to Eric. Surgery was too perilous and nobody knew if Eric could go back to his ward alive.
Lisa opened the door lightly and went into the ward. She saw unconscious Eric lying in bed. His face was swollen with cuts and bruises. Lisa restrained her tears and walked close to Eric. She whispered in his ear, “I am here. Do you hear me? Baby, fight and come back to me. I love you for ever.” Lisa gave him a tender kiss on his lips, at the same time, a teardrop fell upon Eric’s cheek.
Eric was taken to operating room for his first surgery, which was also the most important and dangerous. The operation began at eight o’clock in the morning and finished at five o’clock in the afternoon. Lisa waited in the hallway. That was the longest day in her entire life. When the doctor walked out of the operating room and told her the surgery was successful, her eyes were filled with tears.
In two month, Eric endured seven surgeries. He kept heavily sedated. The doctor sometimes gave some drugs to make him coma to help his body heal and block out the pain. Although at some level of sedation, he could nod or communicate in sign language. Eric remembered nothing of what happened to him.
Lisa took an extended leave of absence from work and kept vigil by Eric’s bedside. She survived mostly on cafeteria food, tea, pop, and only three or four hours of sleep a night. She wrote her diary, which recorded Eric’s every day condition and how she loved him.
Lisa learned she was tougher than she thought. She used to get giddy looking at blood, even a little blood from a minor cut on the finger. Since Eric was in the hospital, she found herself stronger. She involved in all aspects of Eric’s care. She told herself I must be strong –for Eric. The most painful part for Lisa was to see Eric suffering from twinge. Every now and then, the painkiller failed to release his wound pain. Each time she observed his face contorting with pain, she felt there were countless knives cutting her heart.
Eric’s left arm was injured very seriously. The doctors worried about it spreading infection and impacting on the healing of his other wounds. The doctors tried their best to save his arm but they failed. They had to take it off.
Eric was finally mentally clear enough that Lisa told him everything that had happened to him since the car accident. It took her more than three hours. Lisa told him the doctors had to amputate his left arm and also encouraged him he could do everything he likes without his left arm. At this time, the tears welled up in Eric’s eyes. His right hand slowly reached out to Lisa’s hands which were softly placed on his chest, saying “I can’t hug you in arm tightly”. The tears streamed down Lisa’s face.
After three months of medical treatment in the hospital, Eric was well enough to go home. In company with Lisa, twin girls and his son, Eric returned home. Before he walked into the front yard, he already had seen a large sign writing “Welcome Home, Eric” hanging across the breezeway between the garage and house. He stood there and lightly nodded his head, repeating saying, “I am home. I am home.”
Eric still needed to go to see the doctor in every other week and took some medicines. Due to Lisa’s careful care, Eric made a quick recovery. One day, the doctor told him that the rest of left arm was in a good condition, so that he could wear a prosthetic arm. The couple was very happy after they heard this good news. Eric turned to Lisa, gazed at her eyes, and said “do you know what I want to do first with my new arm?” Lisa shook her head gently and grinned. “I want to hug you tightly.”
-1431 wrods
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