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A place for Writing 12 students to read each other's writing, to critique, to suggest, to improve.
About Me
- Brad
- Former adult teacher who loves island beaches. Happy homebody and family man; once devoted dog owner, now without Tashi, my Tibetan Terrier. I prefer the absurdity of the imagination to the absurdity of imagining nothing.
13 comments:
There it is again! A juice box nestled in among the orange peels in the staffroom garbage can. Maybe it’s because I have kids who do the same or maybe it’s because I’m pretty religious about recycling, but that really bugs me. Just down the hall is a big box for recycling. Why doesn’t that person put the container there? I don’t understand it, especially with all the news about global warming and resource depletion.
An Irritating Person
His guffaw is as loud as rumbling thunder. Walking into the poolroom, he behaves as if he is the best player.
“What's wrong with you?” he questioned people when they missed their shots.
“Oh! You are too lazy to aim properly, eh? Ha,ha,ha,----ho,ho,ho------” he criticized and laughed as loud and long as possible.
“What happened to you? You should shoot this one instead of that one.” He judged.
“Hi! How come? You do not play as well as usual. It sounds not like you.” He kept bothering everyone.
“Hei! This one, listen to me you won’t be wrong,” he pointed to a ball when someone is shooting.
He was so interfered in other’s game. Then people asked him something, he was incapable of understanding the question, and he just responded with a horse laugh instead.
After he was thrashed many times by skilful players, he said, “I need you to teach me.” Someone reposted, “I think I should teach you English first.”
Whenever he missed his shot, he made various actions with his exaggerated screeches, such as, jumping, squatting, wriggling, and sometimes leant on the edge of the pool table.
His behavior has been disturbing people very much, especially when they are concentrating on their game.
They talked to each other, “He doesn’t know what he is talking about. Actually, his skill is still far behind others.”
However, he never realizes what is wrong with him.
243 words
Suzanne,
You do very well with showing his behaviour! In my opinion you can take out: "he questioned" and "he criticized" and "He judged" and so on. Every one is obvious to me through your use of dialogue.
I like your use of "he was thrashed" as a good example of idiom, too.
Tuesday evening, Jennifer and Pauline were talking about women's freedom in a couple. Cencentrated to their conversation, they enjoyed very much this intimide sharing just between ladies and their voices are running-water-like.
Robert, Jennifer's husband appeared suddenly in the salon, just like a huge cold stone threw itself into this peacful running pont.
"Shut up! You lazy bone," he shouted, "Robbish what you say. I know these things better than both you!"
"It is me who bring money for you to eat and sleep. And you, just sit there talking," Robert contined, " And you need freedom?"
Helena,
Your dialogue is particularly effective. The first paragaph needs to be cut and the "telling" parts omitted.
We'll work on these next class.
I switched on TV set, this channel was belly dance.I changed it to another one, it was a paste-up soap-drama.I changed it again, it's a show of the modern folk song. I listened a while, all of them were intolerable to the ears.Searched back and forth,I eventually fixed it at the program-"The Animal World".The events like that almost happened day-to-day while I was in China.
The sound was odd, no melody,only a noise-drums and cymbals beating soundly, the actor shouting with a harsh voice. The words were a kinf of childish chanting,no rhyme,no mood and no sense.No one could understand its meaning--it's a somniloquy. Hardly believe? Let me quote a stanza for you:
"The sky is bend;
The earth is bend;
I am bend and
you too..."
I wondered why so many so-called "stars" cropped up recently?
I couldn't bear these pollution of spirit. Searched all the list of the program like these,I couldn't but switched TV off. I relaxed a bit,and recollected the lyric pastoral melody of the true folk song.
While the patients had been waiting for the doctors in the reception area of the clinic, two teenage girls were having loud conversation as if they were the only ones there.
They were talking nonsense, then laughing a horse laugh, "ha ha ha..."
The worse part begun when one of them took a noisy bag from her purse, opened it, and then they started chewing crunchy chips with their mouths open talkin and talking.
Everyone there had a book, a magazine, or a newspaper trying to make themselves busy with, but nobody could concentrate because of these girls’ conversation. Even the bag of the crunchy chips was making noises.
From time to time the patients looked at girls just to show them their discomfort. The girls didn’t care at all. Everybody there was invisible for them, except themselves.
(132 words)
Gossip is thought the most disgusting pet peeve; over 60% people agree with it according to the questionnaire recently. Hearsay is everywhere in our everyday life. Some is insignificant, and some hurts others even they are illegal. There is a Chinese proverb, “whoever is made talk by others as well as whoever talks about others.” We hate gossip, however, we become the rumor spreaders involuntarily. Gossip is usually the source of conflict between friends, or coworkers, or classmates, and it can give the good relationships a destructive damage.
Paper means trees. Some people say that computer saves paper. In this days all we can do is to press a button and we cat a branch; as simple as that. Everyday we eat mountains of paper! I can’t stop my printer’s crunching: useless advertising, unnecessary notes, a whole page for two words. The printer chatters. Branch after branch, tree after tree it’s eating the wood. But who cares? It is so easy. Just press the button.
Helena,
Some comments are listed below:
Cencentrated to--Concentrated on
their voices are running-water like--their voices were like running water. (the prior sentence is past tense)
a huge cold stone threw itself into this peaceful running pont--a huge cold stone thrown into a peaceful pond.
lazy bone--lazybones
Robbish what you say--What you say is robbish.
Robert contined--Robert continued.
Max,
over 60% people agree with it according to the questionair recently.
How about to write as "most people agree with this statement, according to a recent questionair"?
The Chinese proverb "Whoever is made talk by others as well as whoever talks about others." Is your mean "what you criticize is what you have done"?
We hate gossip, however, we become the rumor spreaders involuntarily.How about to write as "We think we hate gossip; however, we carelessly spread rumors ourselves."
it can give the good relationships a destructive damage can be changed as "it can damage a good relationship among people."
Zarghoona,
laughing a horse laugh---laughing like a horse.
The worse part begun------takin and talking. Can be written as "The worse part was a noisy bag that one of them took out of her purse, then they chewed and talked with mouthfuls of crunchy chips."
Everyone there had a book-----, but nobody could concentrate----was making noises. How about to write as " Nobody could concentrate on their books, magazines, or newspaper because of the disturbance.
"From time----looked at girls----was invisible---" How about to write as "The patients showed their discomfort by glaring at them, but the girls didn't care."
Thank you! Suzanne. Your time spent is prcious for me. I appreciate very much your availabity to help us.
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