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A place for Writing 12 students to read each other's writing, to critique, to suggest, to improve.
About Me
- Brad
- Former adult teacher who loves island beaches. Happy homebody and family man; once devoted dog owner, now without Tashi, my Tibetan Terrier. I prefer the absurdity of the imagination to the absurdity of imagining nothing.
13 comments:
Learning to Ride a Bicycle
Girls were forbidden to try risky sports in most families in my hometown.
Bicycle riding was considered one of the dangerous exercises.
Eager to ride a bicycle for a long time, my father’s bike was so tempting in my mind’s eye. I sneaked took the bike out, with silent footsteps, releasing the spring from the stand carefully, pushing it slowly to reduce the noise. The equipment with a two-square-feet iron rack behind that was quite big and heavy, especially for a small girl in grade five. However, my desire was eventually satisfied.
The school playground was the best place to practice, for the olive shape pasture was one foot higher than the running path. I scooted my left leg along the edge of the grass, with my right leg stretched through the space between the seat and the front wheel. My whole torso was tilted on the left side. Although the countless failures were painful, they gave me an unforgettable impression.
When I fell on the pasture, the fresh grass smell relieved my pain somehow. In order to balance my riding, I sometimes pushed to the right side too much that would thrust me to the running path. Then the dirt was stirred up. The dust not only caused me to cough, but it also made my injuries more painful. The dirt mixed with my bleeding looked as though a few earth worms had crawled beneath my knee and elbow. At the time, my secret was more concern than my injuries.
“Look! That tomboy deserves punishment. She will fall in ditch,” my mother teased.
“Oh! That’s a good excuse,” I thought I could use her comments to justify my accidents.
Riding bicycle shouldn’t be a risky activity if one learns on a small one. Anyway, I have been satisfied with my action and also have impressed me very much.
Riding a bicycle needn’t be a risky activity if one learn on a small one. Anyway, I have been gratified by my action and have fulfilled my ambition.
343 words
The Night of Hunting Eel by Masaru
After the war, our family moved to Fukuoka, southern part of Japan, where I spent my childhood; happiest time in my life. My father built a cottage nearby seaside and soon I became a bully of the neighbourhood. A kid named “Matsu” was one of the followers with whom we trifled because he was a dunce and very seldom came to school. He had to help his father’s job; fishing. One day he offered us to catch eels with his father’s barge. It was an unforgettable night for me.
At dusk, four of us pulled the 25feet barge to the water front and jumped in it. Matsu propelled the boat by sculling, moving both arms back and force, balancing himself as standing on the end. Ten years old kid handling the scull like a fisherman! We looked up him with amazement. Both ends of the beach, there were mile long bulwarks and across the beach another breakwater showed us it’s top where we could catch eels. It was low tide and full moon in the sky, reflecting its shape on the dark sea. Here and there, splash of the water were seen made by fish. White bands of ripple water were coming toward us with a lullaby sound. Outside of bulwark, we could hear drum of raging seas hitting the wall. We felt like we were in the bosom of Nature.
“Look!” Suddenly Matsu moved his lantern to show us a moving creature along side of rocks against the waterbreak.
He grabbed a rectangular stake net, dipped it, scooped the thing, thrown it on the floor. Two feet long eel!
“Eels hide them between rocks or in holes during the night. They came up when they found light.” His voices were sounding like a teacher in the class.
For an hour or so, we had exciting time to find eels and to catch them. By the time tide was changing, Matsu forced us to go back to the shore which nobody could against him anymore.
We never went back to catch eels after that.
Matsu never finished to graduate elementary school and I hadn’t seen him for a long time since them.
I, myself, went through hardships of life, but whenever I came across the difficulties, the memory of the night on the boat comforted my souls and gave the courage to stand again.
402 words
When I was a child,the city wall of Peking was the one place that I most liked to go in summer days.It was a beautiful place.The moat like a emerald necklace flew around the city wall and ran to The Grand Channel. On the banks,willows made their shadows for the fisherman. The cicadas and the frogs played a "real stereo" summer symphony vigorously.The dragonflies and the swallows skimmed over the water. It was the best place for angling, chatting and picnicking.
However, the thing I most liked to do in summer holiday was to catch crickets at the root of the city wa ll and in the deep grass.
Crouching and searching in the growth of the grass were very hard for it was very hot and suffocated. Not for long,I already steamed with sweat. Hearing a cricket chirped in the deep grass. I tip-toed to him. The chirp stopped. I stopped too to make him feel the danger was over. He chirped again. I located at him and swooped him with my wire meshed hood.
It usually needed a long time to rummage the grass,the debris and sometimes needed to pour water into the hole that was located.At this moment,under the blazing sun,the beads of sweat dripped on the ground. When I caught a cricket that looked valiantly and now was my prisoner,I put him into a paper tube with joyfulness.
I had steamed with sweat and my shirt had mucked,so I pull over my shirt and barebacked and continued the work to search another one....
While I felt the sting on my shoulder, I realized that my skin was burned.Under the scorning sun, a tired boy with a dirty face lurched back home with many tubes.
Hi Hongxin
I like your description about your home town and enjoyment of catching crickets.
Nothing is more fun than exiting moments in your childhood, isn’t it?
However, I noticed a few grammatical mistakes in your sentence. For instance,
“one place that- one place where” “ The moat like a emerald necklace flew around-The moat flew around the city wall like a emerald,,,””The cicadas and the frogs played ,,, vigorously- the frogs vigorously”
What I can suggest you is read your sentence loudly and when you stumble, you will notice something wrong in it. It works for me, I think.
Nevertheless, well done Hongxin! I remembered the excitement of catching cicadas on trees.
I am very glad to see the suggest ions from Masaru. Thanks for help!
Now I'd like to make some suggestions to Suzanne's essay. The suggestions from a slow student are barely for reference. That are:
"Bicycle riding was considered one of the dangerous exercises" should be: "Bicycle riding was considered as one of...."
"Eager to ride a bicycle for a long time,my father's bike was...."should be:"I am eager to ride a bicycle for a long time,...."
"... the fresh grass smell relieved my pain somehow."suggest to be a passive voice sentence:"My pain was relieved by...."
"At the time , my secret was more concern than my injures"to be:"At that time, keeping the secret was more important to me than the injures."
The suggestions are only for reference,and I am looking forward to seeing your suggestions.
Hi! Hongxin,
The moat like a emerald necklace flew around the city wall and ran to The Grand Channel. Would you mind to change to:
The moat like a emerald necklace circled the wall through the Grand Channel.
The second paragraph, you can cut almost half of it. I hope you don't mind I rewrite it bercause it is just my opinion. See below:
I like to catch crikets at the base of the wall and in the grass. It was hot and humid, but I crouched for searching them that caused me to sweat. When I heard one was chirping, I tip-toed to it, then the chirp stopped; however, when I paused, it chirpped again. I swooped it into my wire net eventually.
It usually needed a long time to rummage the grass, the debris sometimes needeed to pour water into the hole that was located.
You can cut some words.---It usually took time to hunt them, sometimes I have to pour water into the hole where they resided.
A Bloody Christmas
It is Christmas day. Snowflakes lay on the ground like powder sugar on the cake. It is the greatest of all holidays for many countries, but not behind the Iron Curtain.1989 is the year of revolution for Rumania. Nobody celebrate. Are heart-rending news about hundreds and hundreds of hurts and dreath. To be in a safe and worm place is like a betrayal.
“ I can’t stand it” shut my sister, “I have to be there”
“Let’s go to the University Market” mouth my husband.
On our way a group of strangers embrace us. Enthusiasm and hope fly in the air. My sister got a flag. I feel like I’m step by step with Joanna D’Arc. I’m proud and brave. When I reach to the Market a smell of snow and blood burst in my nose. The market is invaded by tanks. A “fireworks” is lighting the sky.
“Someone, take the pregnant woman from here” I understand that he was talking about me. I look on my shoulder. A young man, no more then 18 years old, with emerald eyes, protect me. His gun barks furiously.
“Run, girl run! Go home!’ he yell on me.
A car gnashed his tires close to me. My sister and my husband pick me up from the there.
My feet shake and my heart beat crazy. A cowardly taste persisted in my soul.
When the next morning rise his eyelid, the radio announce:” Hundreds and hundreds of hurts and death.”
Emilia: We watched these same events here to our horror. I know that Hongxin meant "luck" as the end result: then end of a dictatorship. What you saw that day is certainly seared into your memory.
I'd advise you to copy and paste your writing back into Word and run a spellcheck. It will catch spelling quickly.
I think you can take the "hundreds and hundreds" out of the first paragraph and leave it for the end as it has more power there.
Your use of metaphor is strong, but remember to use it when needed. Personifying the next morning doesn't seem necessary in the sentence, for example.
Well worth working on for your portfolio and, possibly, publishing at The Pearson Buzz.
Suzanne,
A few ideas: Try combining your first two sentences into one using "and."
I love your use of strong verbs here: "scooted," "tilted," "thrust." Remember that we must "sneak___" as in "sneak in" or "sneak out"
Worth revising. How about breaking the second and third paragraphs into smaller pieces to help readability?
Masaru,
I'd start with "One day Matsu invited us to catch eels . . ." I wonder if the background is as important as the activity. For sure, your being a "bully" does not directly relate to the story.
For me, the interesting part begins with "at dusk." Why not start the story there?
The beginning reads like a standard essay form. Always try to "hook" your reader at the beginning (pun intended!) by getting them involved in the story as quickly as possible.
Good luck with your revision!
Hongxin:
Try this: "The moat, like an emerald necklace, circled the city's walls all the way to The Grand Canal."
You don't need to tell us it "was a beautiful place" as we can see that from your description. Let your words "show" us and trust that we will be able to see it!
Personally, I like the series of short sentences in the second paragraph when your are hunting the crickets. They give a sense of urgency to the activity that matches the rhythm of the crickets!
Full of sensuous detail, the piece is worth further work to make it perfect.
Hi Emilia
You had an extraordinary experience!
I admire your short sentences to create tensions and scenes.
However, a little mistake or hard to understand expression made me puzzled .
“Are heat-rending,,,” Is this sentence interrogative?
“shut” –“shouts”, “mouth”-you used as verb so should be “mouths”? or simply speak, tell or suggest ,I prefer
“Someone,,,”,,,about me. This long sentence you could make it shorter by saying you are expectant mother, I Think.
“When the next morning rise his eyelid,”- This personification is very poetic which does not fit for the historical tragedy ending. How about my suggestion?
When the long dark night was over, bright sun shine show us hundreds of wounded, dead people on the white carpeted road.
Among them, many were children who fought for their own county. - Just my suggestion.
Could you add a few detail sentences about people or scenes beside “A young man, with emerald eyes”?
I am sure your revised sentence will surely captivate many people’s hearts.
Thank you for your suggestion Brad.
I had many good times when I lived beside seaside, but it was a half century ago and my memories were all mixed up, except the scene and sound of sea wave at that night.
I tried re- call how we caught eels. I hope you will understand my description on revised writing
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