Post the revised copy of your essay here. Read an annotated and clean version of my fourth draft. I've reduced length to 282 words, for a total saving of 40 words from the third draft and a total of 65 fewer than the second draft. That's 20% , Stephen King's recommended cut, but barely! Can you accomplish the same?
Be sure to comment after your revision on what you did to cut out the "fat" in your writing. You can send me an annotated copy of your revision if you wish to share your processes online.
Bring your new drafts on Thursday. Last class this term.
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19 comments:
Hi Brad.
I just got through reading your revision. I really like your reference to Dylan Thomas but I found the wording throughout a little choppy. I know that we are trying for under 300 words but at the same time I think that by doing so we are letting go of some really eloquent prose. I liked your second draft more because there was much more of your personality in it.
Stacey,
Interesting as on rereading, I noted as many lengthenings of sentences as shortenings. Rhythmically, maybe, it "chops" but I find it hard to find where it does. Perhaps the topic sentences, where I went short for effect?
Much of what I took out is extraneous, I'm sure of it. I could add back the "extra" 20 words or so, but, as a mental exercise this kind of revising is good to do.
I don't like my second version nearly as much as my fourth. Other opinions?
In this essay, I tried cutting the "extraneous" sentences as many as I could and concentrated on the reason why I write, so it really worked "as a mental exercise," I guess.
Mm...I understand what Stacey is saying because my essay is rather "choppy". What can I do for it? Any idea?
Anyway,
I like Brad's 4th draft better than the others. Cutting the sentence, "all the librarians and..." is quite necessary because it doesn't support the topic of the 1st body paragraph, I think. Reading the 4th draft, I thought of the handout, "Editing and Proofreading Strategies for Revision," to revise my essay.
I'll reread it.
Thanks very much for the ideas of revision for my essay last week, everyone.
And thanks Brad for the annotated essays.
Why I write.
Writing is an escape from life. It is something I do well. It is my passion.
I began writing to escape my life. Everyone has a sad story. Mine’s no sadder than anyone’s. I’ve kept a journal since I was a child. Many-a-day I poured my heart into that book. I would write about things real and imagined; poems, spells, recipes for magic potions. I would write about anything; by “anything” I mean I would write about the color of a slug, what time of day it was. I would re-write an imaginary news cast. When life got too tough I could pick up a pen and escape.
Entering High School I learned that writing was something I could do well. My grade 10 English teacher was my hero. Through her encouragement writing would become a delicious obsession. She introduced me to Shakespeare and I fell in love with medieval literature. For the first time my grades for English were high. Teachers and students were praising my writing.
Writing’s my passion. Through words I can make you feel strong emotion. That gets me high. If I couldn’t write I would wither up and float away into night’s black oblivion. Writing has saved my sanity when thoughts in my sleepless mind wouldn’t allow a quiet moment. I get lost writing. Words pour from my fingertips as water from a crystal fall. Writing allows me the freedom to be anyone, anything and everything. I can write what I want and you can take it or leave it.
Writing is an integral part of my life. It’s like breathing. It comforts, excites and gives me a sense of accomplishment, especially when it’s appreciated by others.
Simile: Words pour from my fingertips as water from a crystal fall.
Metaphor: My sleepless mind.
301 words.
I like Stacy’s second much much better than the first! I see the organization. The thesis statement needs more work, though.
I like Brad’s 4th. It’s more sophisticated. I especially like the cut of the library part, like Ritsuko said. I didn’t notice before, but now I’ve recognized that the part was “extraneous.”
Honestly, I was quite a bit amazed by the change; it gave the paragraph more focus. The teacher part now shines.
I don’t think Ritsuko’s is “choppy.” I see your efforts. And I understand that you are looking for better words and better ways of saying, so do I.
This exercise is hard but valuable. I have to figure out what I really want to say in the most effective way.
My first draft looks horrendous after a couple of days, and I’m revising it. I’ll post it as soon as it’s finished. . .
Hi Brad.
I can see now that the word "choppy" was a little premature. I can't see any other way of going straight to the point without a bit of chop. I may revise again because I'm not happy with my conclusion or my introduction. Obviously i've taken out quite a bit and I suppose I'll have to look closely at the handouts you've given because I don't know what else to do to get rid of more "extraneous" words or phrases.
Why I write.
Writing is an escape from life. It is something I do well. It is my passion.
I began writing to escape my life. Everyone has a sad story. Mine’s no sadder than anyone’s. I’ve kept a journal since I was a child. Many-a-day I poured my heart into that book. I would write about things real and imagined; poems, spells, recipes for magic potions. I would write about anything; by “anything” I mean I would write about the color of a slug, what time of day it was. When life got too tough I could pick up a pen and escape.
Entering High School I learned writing was something I could do well. My grade 10 English teacher was my hero. Through her encouragement writing would become an obsession. She introduced me to Shakespeare. I fell in love with medieval literature. My English grade was high.Teachers and students alike were praising my writing.
Writing’s my passion. Through words I can make you feel strong emotion. That gets me high. Writing has saved my sanity when thoughts in my sleepless mind wouldn’t allow a quiet moment. I get lost writing. Words pour from my fingertips as water from a crystal fall. Writing allows me the freedom to be anyone, anything and everything. I can write what I want and you can take it or leave it.
Writing is an integral part of my life. It’s like breathing. It comforts, excites and gives me a sense of accomplishment. In conclusion writing allows venting of frustrations, unparalleled use of imagination, and an invitation to others to appreciate negatively or positively the work you’ve crafted.
Simile: Words pour from my fingertips as water from a crystal fall.
Metaphor: My sleepless mind.
277 words
Sorry I seem to be taking up so much space. I have an annotated version of my changes but can't seem to email it. Either my computer is possessed or I am computer illiterate. It was a very good mental exercise. I got a lot out of it once I gained some understanding. I have to leave it alone now or I'll go nuts..lol
See you Thursday.
Stacey: Sure. I can send a copy to school and print there.
Reasons for Writing
I sit in front of the computer screen, my hands frozen. Why don’t eloquent words come naturally? Well, of course not, I know that much. But I’ll try. I’ll give it my best efforts because writing show me new frontier, and the reward is tremendous.
Writing enables me to face myself and to reach the depth. It is like a digging a hole inside of me in search of an answer. I knock, dig, and examine what I have found. Then I try to put it in a sentence. With strenuous deleting and adding, my mind clarifies and a vague concept forms a shape. Occasionally I encounter a surprise, the new idea that I did not recognize the existence before. The discovery is a delight. It might not be a lustrous gem but still a piece of me.
Finding right words and arrange them effectively is exhausting, but it delights me. Once I manage it, I hear a click, the most delicious sound. It maybe a word or a sentence, but that makes all the difference. My thoughts become visible and alive, and if I am lucky, the words own its power. It is bliss. I don’t mind struggles and countless consultation with a thesaurus (my confidant); I long for the exhilaration.
Writing is my way of asking validation—that is, if I am worth something. When I come up a meaningful piece—at least so I believe—I gain confidence. It has been continuing experience since I started to learn writing. And I am most grateful for anyone who takes their time to read my writing and shares the thoughts. The feedbacks encourage and show me the direction, so I can improve. All I need is an acknowledgement; it gives me the fuel to get through a day.
I’ve learned so much from writing, and it continuously helps me to understand the truth of life. It’s a precious gift I embrace. I write because I want to be a good writer.
332 words, second draft
Simile: “It is like a digging a hole inside of me”
Zeugma: “I knock, dig, and examine what I have found”
Onomatopoeia: “a click”
Distinctio: “Writing is my way of asking validation—that is, if I am worth something”
The thesis statement is cheesy (I almost gag), but I’ll work on tomorrow.
Hi! Brad, I posted my revision on the first draft of "Why I Write". I revised the title as " The Motivation of My Writing". Please correct any wrong sentence for me.
Hi Suzanne,
Please repost the revision at this post. As far as corrections, this job is for you to do! When you finally can find nothing more (remember you have months to do it) then I can do it!
In this revision I tried to improve vocabulary, to put some “fat” on my “skeleton”, and
to add an important thought about the desire to write well in English. I increased the number of words. Now it looks slightly unbalanced. Do you have any suggestions, my friends?
Why Do I Write
Writing has always been essential for me in communication, social life, and, last but not least, my professional activities.
As I remember, the first samples of my creative writing were the letters to my grandparents which I obediently wrote at my parents’ request. Later, I eagerly wrote countless letters to the relatives and friends, sharpening the writing skills and entertaining my correspondents. In the modern era of electronic communications, a letter in handwriting, for me, is like a warm long-distance hug and I am proud to be the last dinosaur in my family who still posses this skill.
During high school and university years, writing was a considerable part of my social life. I was writing scenarios for the student plays and special events, articles for the student news paper, and epigrams on my friends and professors. I was often encouraged by my friends who to this day continue to keep the samples of my writing. Active participation in different writing activities has delightfully enriched my social life and friendship.
Being somewhat of a hobby at early years, writing became a very important skill in my professional carrier, in which I needed to write technical documentation, scientific reports and articles. When I was forced to change from Electronics Engineering field to Patent Engineering, I understood the importance of effective writing even more, since for a patent, the chosen wording is very critical. I consider masterful writing as a measure of literacy and self-development. Having this skill well-developed in my first language, I feel disarmed in the second-language environment and I continuously try to regain my strength back.
Writing is a vital ability that I need to communicate clearly, to express myself sufficiently and, sometimes, to create something that will be hopefully valuable to people around me.
300 words, 3rd draft
Simile: A letter in handwriting is like a warm long-distance hug
Metaphor: I am a dinosaur
Metaphor: I feel disarmed
Joy of My Writing
Writing is a good opportunity to reveal my thoughts. I get a chance of reflection, creative power, and the self-confidence through my writing.
I put all other thoughts and worries out of my mind while I write. I become pure like a sheet of white paper. When I wrote a narrative essay in my English 11 class, I recorded my suffering as a mother. Through the process of writing, I could gain a different sight; my subjective experience was changed objectively. It was a fresh shock to me. I keep writing to reflect myself and to share my spirit with others.
I enjoy creative activities: painting, craft, and cooking. However I like writing the best. Whoever, wherever, and whenever, writing is possible. I love the equality of writing. While I write, I feel self-conceit by cultivating my latent creative power. With my articles I can share hope and sympathy with my classmates. I appreciate my classmates’ mature consideration and moral which are shown well in their writings. As time goes by, I’m afraid of forgetting easily my precious memories. My writng releases me from the worry. I am challenging the saying, “art is long and life is short.”
I pull myself up with my writing. Writing is a tool of access English to me. I prefer reading and writing to speaking because I am not talkative. I have the same experience in Japan, when I have been in there, I learned Japanese through writing. Still I am weak in writing, but it gives me a self-confidence. Someday I will be in an advance school or work. My writing guarantees me an opportunity.
My writing keeps me awake. After the several drafts to draw my thoughts, I am delighted with my writing. I love the feeling of accomplishment. That is joy of my writing.
---305 words.
simile;"like a sheet of white paper"
sententia; "art is long and life is short."
amplication; a different sight; my subjective experience was changed objectively."
I revised the first and the third body paragraphs.
Why I Write: To Know Myself
Writing is like a self-counseling. It strengthens my mind and gives me words of advice. I write because writing leads me to listen to my own voice to appreciate my thoughts.
Writing suggests to me to persist in my progress. Whenever I write, I tend to be an observant of details and thus suffer sleepless nights from a loss of time. Searching for the suitable expressions, I rewrite repeatedly each sentence until I complete it. In fact, I’m really frustrated at my slow pace; on the other hand, I feel that’s OK with me. I’m assured myself as a slow writer but will derive writing skill from the hardship.
Writing makes me reasonable and lets me find out a clue to solve a problem. For example, while I write a piece of story, I analyze closely the traits of the characters and their struggles. By doing this way, I can predict or review what reaction may provoke a trouble in a relationship, and also I can gain an inspiration of how to prevent a conflict by creating the settings. Writing provides me a useful lesson, from which I can get a hint of solution for my difficulties.
Writing motivates me to revive my memories. About a year ago, I wrote about diving in a narrative essay. Inspired by the recollections of the past—the vigorous challenge, the ultimate effort, the winter dive—I restarted diving. Naturally, my style of diving has changed after an interval of ten years. Under the sea, I observe the creatures more thoughtfully than ever, thinking of how to write about them. Trough the writing, I finally found that diving is my passion, which encourages me with the great adventure.
Writing gives me an insight into my thoughts. I can make an assurance, a solution and a motivation by this practice. I’d like to keep writing to develop my thoughts to feel confident about myself.
319 words; third draft
Greek Techniques:
“Writing is like a self—counseling.”—Simile
“In fact, I’m really frustrated at my slow pace; on the other hand, I feel OK with me.”—Antanagoge
“Inspired by the recollections of the past—the vigorous challenge, the ultimate effort the winter dive—I restarted diving.”—Amplication
Ritsuko:I like your revised article of "Why I Write" because it flows smoothly and catches the deep meaning right to the point.
Pinnacle of Creativity – Why I Write
Writing is my favorite form of expression, allowing me to channel my creativity in a constructive fashion. Like a spider spinning a web in a dark corner, I live on in the words scrawled in my own dark corner. I write in the constant pursuit of pleasing an audience using simple writing, words so easy to understand that the audience is captivated.
Everyone has creativity dwelling deep within them, and for some, it bubbles to the surface bringing beautiful art into the world. Writing is a vaunted and powerful way of manifesting creativity. Some people have a natural aptitude for written words; others study for decades to learn how to write. Putting thoughts into words comes easily to me, and I am grateful for it. When I think of the phrase “do something creative,” I instantly chose writing. Late at night you’ll find me sitting at my computer, letting my ideas flow in the form of words. There are many ways to show creativity, but written words are precise and from the heart.
A spider spins a web to catch food, to survive. The web I spin when I write, a rich tapestry of idea and language, is in the name of survival. A person must attend school to get a job, and to attend school, she must write. People all across the world are hidden in corners jotting or typing, spinning webs woven of their very own ideas. As a means of survival, their thoughts will live on in word form forever in the minds of those who read.
As I write I stay conscious of how a listener might react to my work, because my goal is to please the audience. A strong motivation for me is the notion that someone would take as much pleasure in reading my work as I had in writing it.
1st draft
Hi James
I'm very impressed by your essay.
The use of simile attracts me.
I can see writing is your pleasure and it may be a part of your life.
"others study for decades to learn how to write"
Yeah, I know...that's me.
Thanks! I'm looking forward to your next essay. Please write more.
hi all,
here is revision of my essay.plz,
help me to find out my weak points in my essay.thanks.
Three things That Make ME Write
Writing to me is like learning to drive a car. The more you practice the more you get better at it.
I want to be good in this realm. Also, I write because I like to learn better writing skills, to
get more familiar with the English language ,to communicate with others.
My main purpose for writing is that I would like to learn better writing skills for my future
education and career . Better writing will open the doors to many good opportunities. For example, every university and job require good writing skills to meet their requirements. Therefore, I am taking English Writing Twelve to learn all the techniques from Brad, like Greek Techniques, different styles, and other materials to sharpen my writing skills.
Also, writing has improved my English language. The mystery behind it is that, to write better, I
need to read more . So, both these things will make me learn more and be more accurate with the language and I can fulfill my need of learning the English language. Writing motivates me to read more literature and other sources to became an excellent writer.
I like to share my thoughts; therefore, writing gives me that opportunity to express my ideas on a
piece of paper or computer screen . For example, I enjoy writing a letter or an e-mail to someone to communicate. The reason for it is that they are living far away or our schedules do not match .
Also sometimes I have sudden ideas that I want share with my friends, but they have occurred at an inconvenient time. So, I have to write it down at a piece of paper .overall, the writing is a best tool to talk on paper or on a computer screen with others.
In conclusion, I would like to be genius in writing like a car racer. Also, writing has connection with reading, so it will make me master of the language. Finally, writing helps me to communicate and share my ideas with other people.
I like to be genius in writing like a car racer (simile)
Writing to me is like learning to drive a car (simile)
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