Thursday, October 12, 2006
Jealous: Character Challenge Two
Write, using only description of a person's actions, to show a person who is "jealous." According to Wordsmyth, jealous is "envious of the qualities, possessions, or achievements of another." It can also mean, "doubtful and suspicious of the faithfulness of someone for whom one has affection; fearful of losing the other's affection."
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Here’s two jealous girls.
1.
Why do we have to meet his ex today? Today! On his birthday! At this prestigious restaurant.
Maybe they came here last year, exactly one year ago. The thought flashed in her mind, and she bit inside of her cheek.
The ladies’ powder room was spacious, slight scent of roses wafting from potpourri jars on the counter. She stared hard at the polished mirror in front of her. Then she fished the lipstick from her purse—— her eyes not leaving her reflection——and applied it slowly, firm on her full lips, bright red.
2.
Oh God, he’s gorgeous. His mega-watts smile smiled at her from a page of the year book. Naturally she smiled back, her eyes wet. But she knew better; she would never ever be in his circle of friends, let alone being his girl friend. Only if my hair was lighter, or my eyes were brighter, like Cindy McIntosh. With a black permanent marker, she drew a circle around Cindy’s smiling face and blacked in. Then Natalie Coleman, Renee Dickinson.
Late afternoon sun lightened her half of a face, and the squeaky noise from the marker was almost musical.
Now I’m going to try “a jealous guy.”
Correction:
"the squeaky noise" -> "squeaks"
3.
A grand, black Hummer glistened in the sunshine. What a beauty. Eric could not understand why this car did not belong to him and why, in the whole world, a little snot like Jessie was driving it.
"Gimme that!" He yanked the remote control from Jessie’s hands.
"Hey!" The little guy squeaked and started to protest in vain.
Whine as you wish, I don’t care, it’s mine! Eric grinned triumphantly and smashed the brand-new Hummer into a tree trunk.
4.
"What took you so long?" His voice was low and edgy.
She did not answer him, putting her coat in the closet with deliberate carefulness, and that had gotten on his nerve, too.
The dress. Why does she have to wear that kind of dress just to go to a movie with a girl friend? It’s too short and too tight as far as he’s concerned, and well, it's showing her cleavage.
"Huh? Answer me," he stood up, grabbing a beer bottle by the neck, and blocked her way to the bathroom.
Hummm....isn’t it kind of stereotypical for guys to behave this way? Getting aggressive? Any other subtle ways? Any ideas?
Hiromi,
I actually like the first two better than the second. Again, you've relied a bit on the thoughts of the character (as revealed by an omniscient narrator) to help reveal the trait.
I particularly like "drew a circle around Cindy’s smiling face and blacked [it] in." and "applied it slowly, firm on her full lips, bright red." as actions that help to reveal the trait.
Hi
Me being dumb.
"How many f'n times have I caught you looking at some girls' ass or boobs?" "I'm going to start checking out other men in front of you, you jerk." "I cannot believe how disrespectful you are." You don't care about my feelings at all." "It always has to be some eighteen year old too." "I am thirty-six and I can't compete with eighteen." "Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?"
Well, that was kinda fun.
Stacey,
Could be even better with a couple of dumb comments from the guy along the way. I got it, definitely!
You're doing fine.
Lucky
Lucky was walking up and down the floor of the living room trying to ignore the little thing, a cat, which was curling up on the mistress’s lap in the sofa. It wore a yellow coat with many white and black patches.
Lucky’s mistress had talked and played with it all the time since she brought it home last week.
“Go—sh!” Lucky tucked his tail, stared at his mistress, and discontentedly whimpered a bit with gasping.
“What’s wrong with you, Lucky?” His mistress kept her eyes off the baby cat.
“Wo-wo-wo…” Although Lucky waggled his little tail slightly, his ears and eyebrows still drooped.
“Come on, boy! Why don’t you take a nap beside me?” She cheered up him softly.
Finally Lucky slowly approached to the sofa. When he groveled before his mistress, he had one more glance at the sleeping cat.
Visiting her grand aunt who lives across the street, Ms. Shamyu dresses in a dramatic costume, and her heavily make up face is topped with fluffy short curly hair that looks like a bird has built its nest on a magic tree trunk.
" Grand aunt, people say your newly wedded daughter-in-law is well educated and gorgeous. Is it true?" While saying this, Shamyu is trying on tip top with her short legs to wag her body to fit into the chair. This causes her tummy to plump out like she is wearing a life preserver.
"Actually, people from the South are very poor and survive a harsh life. Look! her skirt is so short( a mini skirt); who knows whether she is lacking cloth or pursuing fashion, but I won't dress like that although I am about her age." Shamyu sticks out her tongue then giggles.
"Ha! see, how awful and odd the design of her high heel shoes is!" She continues as she walk to the shoe shelf.
One day the daughter-in-law finds one of the heels has tilted like a boat is going to sink.
Hi Catherine:
Some comments below in the text.
Lucky
Lucky was walking up and down the floor of the living room trying to ignore the little thing, a cat, which was curling up on the mistress’s lap in the sofa. [probably you could say "kitten" and "curled up"; otherwise fine] It wore a yellow coat with many white and black patches. [just "had a yellow coat" or even "had a patched yellow and black coat"]
Lucky’s mistress had talked and played with it all the time since she brought it home last week. [not an action exactly; like Hiromi, you bring in a narrator here to fill in details. Can you do it without doing so?]
“Go—sh!” Lucky tucked his tail, stared at his mistress, and discontentedly whimpered a bit with gasping. [leave out "with gasping" I think}
“What’s wrong with you, Lucky?” His mistress kept her eyes off the baby cat. [again, kitten; this is dialogue and so not quite my challenge]
“Wo-wo-wo…” Although Lucky waggled his little tail slightly, his ears and eyebrows still drooped. [cats say "miaow" in English believe it or not . . .]
“Come on, boy! Why don’t you take a nap beside me?” She cheered up him softly. [omit second sentence as it "tells" and you've shown already; *everyone* needs to pay attention to this "telling" habit we have!]
Finally [omit] Lucky slowly approached to [omit to] the sofa. When he groveled before his mistress, he had one more glance at the sleeping cat.
[clear enough, but as with others, we are letting the narrator be a bit too active; good try Catherine--can you edit to be only actions? Actually, can everyone do that who has contributed here?]
Hi Suzanne:
Comments in the text below.
Visiting her grand aunt who lives across the street, Ms. Shamyu dresses in a dramatic costume, [omit "dresses in a dramatic costume" as it tells] and her heavily make up face is topped with fluffy short curly hair that looks like a bird has built its nest on a magic tree trunk. [I get a clear and funny picture from this description; it's not action exactly, however]
" Grand aunt, people say your newly wedded daughter-in-law is well educated and gorgeous. Is it true?" [dialogue; this challenge doesn't allow it] While saying this, Shamyu is trying on tip top [tiptoes] with her short legs to wag [waggle] her body to fit into the chair. [another funny image and an action, too] This causes her tummy to plump out like she is wearing a life preserver. [good!]
"Actually, people from the South are very poor and survive a harsh life. Look! her skirt is so short( a mini skirt); who knows whether she is lacking cloth or pursuing fashion, but I won't dress like that although I am about her age." [dialogue again; you'd not get away with parentheses in dialogue as it would be like an aside in drama] Shamyu sticks out her tongue then giggles. [better]
"Ha! see, how awful and odd the design of her high heel shoes is!" She continues as she walk to the shoe shelf.
One day the daughter-in-law finds one of the heels has tilted like a boat is going to sink.
[I'm not quite as clear as I want to be Suzanne. Try it again using *only* actions. It's harder, but that's the challenge!]
Hi Suzanne,
I liked “waggling her body” part. Good and funny. It made me smile.
Maybe you can describe the “action” of the last part: someone playing the mischief of her shoes. It would show more jealousy, I think.
Catherine,
I didn’t know a dog can be jealous, but your description is believable, so I thought, mmmm...maybe it can. It’s a good thing, convincing a reader, isn’t it?
Just that I want to see human’s jealousy. This is like a curve ball!
And, okay. Revisions:
1.
With a graceful smile, she shook a hand of his ex. She even made a small talk, nodding and sounding out polite laughter here and there, while keeping her keen eyes on them.
After their farewells, she excused herself to the ladies’ room, leaving him at the table alone.
In the mirror she found furrows between her eyebrows and eased them with an effort. She stared hard at herself and took a deep breath. Her fingers started to look for a lipstick in the purse. She brought it in the reflection with her and applied it slowly, firm on her full lips, bright red.
2.
Her eyes were wet and glued to his brilliant smile on a page of the year book. Tentatively she smiled back at him and covered her mouth with the hand. A trickle of tears ran down her face. When she looked up to wipe her rosy cheek, she caught the reflection of herself in a window. Round cheeks and small beady eyes. Her lips thinned and whitened. Now she went back to the year book, her eyes sharp. She found Cindy McIntosh and uncapped a black permanent marker. A tip of the marker drew a circle around Cindy’s beautiful smile and blacked it in. It moved to Natalie Coleman, then Renee Dickinson. Late afternoon sun lightened a half of her face, and the squeaks from the marker and the glossy pages were almost musical; she found herself humming.
3.
A grand, black Hummer glistened in the sunshine. Eric’s eyes followed its nifty moves with a wonder, his mouth agape. But when he noticed that it was Jessie who was holding the remote control and laughing in delight, his eyes narrowed. He curled up his weenie-like fingers and made a fist. He stomped towards Jessie and snarled at him, demanding the remote control. He didn’t have ears for Jessie’s refusal whatsoever, just kicked him on the lanky shin and grabbed the damn thing. Eric roared triumph and smashed Jessie’s brand-new Hummer into a tree trunk.
Some part seems awkward, but yeah.
I'm working on a short story and hopefully would post it before Thursday.
Hiromi,
By jove, I think you've got it! Remember that it's all an exercise and it might feel easier to work on that story now that you'll have all the tools at a writer's disposal: dialogue, the narrator, action, setting descriptions . . .
Small point: "He didn’t have ears for Jessie’s refusal whatsoever," sounds like a narrator's comment (how he feels). All of the excerpts are good. I especially like "she found herself humming." I can imagine that!!
"Oh dear, I was mad to hear about you." Amy hugged Jane tightly and French kissed. Jane caught a glimpse of her poor appearance and shrunk from refined Amy.
Jane bent her brows whenever Amy touched her blond hair with her fingers. The luster of diamond ring on Amy's finger showed her successful married life.
"Hmmm... I've missed you, too," Jane said in a small voice, "Tell me about you. How old are your children?"
"My daughter studies law at the Harvard and my son is a resident at the Johns Hopkins Hospital." Amy wagged her tongue.
Amy pulled Jane by the arm to a cafe but Jane smiled grimly.
When Jane came home sullenly, her puppy, Happy jumped onto Jane. Jane kicked at him.
"Yip, yip" Happy yelped sadly.
Rosaria,
Comments below:
"Oh dear, I was mad to hear about you." Amy hugged Jane tightly and French kissed. [really!] Jane caught a glimpse of her poor appearance and shrunk from refined Amy.
Jane bent her brows whenever Amy touched her blond hair with her fingers. The luster of diamond ring on Amy's finger showed her successful married life. [Take off "showed her married life"; that's way too "tell" and what else does a diamond mean? Trust your showing Rosaria!]
"Hmmm... I've missed you, too," Jane said in a small voice, "Tell me about you. How old are your children?"
"My daughter studies law at the Harvard and my son is a resident at the Johns Hopkins Hospital." Amy wagged her tongue. [can't visualize "wagged" maybe "waggled" and what does it indicate?]
Amy pulled Jane by the arm to a cafe but Jane smiled grimly.
When Jane came home sullenly, her puppy, Happy jumped onto Jane. Jane kicked at him. [watch out for adverbs "grimly" and "sullenly" which should be used infrequently]
"Yip, yip" Happy yelped sadly.
[good beginning, but it seems less so at the end; you're trying for a conclusion I think. no need to in a short study like this]
Rosaria!
So they are in love, but Amy is married to a man, right?
I see Jane is jealous, but to what, I'm not clear.
To the husband?
To their marriage?
To Amy's well-being?
But if Jane loves Amy, she would be glad to see that Amy is doing good, wouldn't she?
correct:
Visiting the grandaunt who lives across the street, Ms.Shamyu's heavily made up face is topped with fluffy short curly hair that looks like a bird has built its nest on a magic tree trunk. Shamyu's opening comments to her grandaunt that revolved around her newly wedded daughter-in-law who Shamyu is discontented with her education and beauty. While she is discussing, she tries tiptoes her short legs to fit into a chair. This causes her tummy to plump out like she is wearing a life preserver.
Shamyu describes the daughter-in-law who comes from the South as very poor and living a harsh life. She then goes on to discuss the daughter-in-law's very short skirt. Shamyu criticizes whether the short skirt is due to lacking of material or a fashion pursuit. She then sticks out her tongue and says she won't dress like the daughter-in-law even though they are about the same age.
Then she sees the daughter-in-law's high heel shoes on a shelf. She comments on the design of the shoes, but she tries on them and walks with an awkward wiggle around the room. Suddenly a big pom pom sound is heard in the room, then one of the shoes tilts like a boat that is going to sink.
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