Other students should read drafts and then try to add a helpful idea. Post your comment here before next week's class. I'll demonstrate once someone posts a draft.
Sorry for the delay.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Third Drafts, Final Drafts, New Drafts?
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Tragic single moms.
“I was like you guys once. . . Beautiful, innocent, and a student, but my boyfriend left me like this. . .,” she burst into tears.
It was a CAPP (Career and Personal Planning) hour in my high school, when a group of women with babies walked into our classroom. I became stiff because here I was, trying to learn how to adapt a new culture and I thought to myself, ‘oh my god, what are they doing in here, aren’t they supposed to be in other building?’
True, they were supposed to be in other building, but that day we were talking about “Condoms, and mishaps,” and our teacher thought ‘what better ways to talk about mishaps by having real examples right next to us, right?’
So here they were, single moms and their children, and I didn’t know what it really means to be a single mom at that time. Of course, I had seen them in my high school going in and out from other building. They all looked fatigued, and sad from all their troubles.
I just thought single moms just meant a middle-aged woman who had a career and she just wanted to have a baby, so all she had to do was adopt a baby or a child.
But boy, was I wrong! A single mom, in that case was having a child in high school ages, and it was the hardest thing they had to do because they had to handle housework, schoolwork, manage a part-time job, and of course, they had to take care of their babies.
I was so shocked at hearing this because in Asian culture, there weren’t many single moms, but if they had one, their parents had to hide them, or gave a baby away for disgracing their family.
Of course, they didn’t or rather, not encourage them to continue their educations further, and of course, teachers in Asia definitely didn’t teach us how to prevent the teenaged pregnancy, but here I was in CAPP hour, studied how not to be another single mom.
After the CAPP hour, I felt as if I was in some weird space and return to the earth, and made just before lunchtime because I couldn’t believe what I heard and how calm the rest of them all were.
At the end of the CAPP hour, the most important thing they left me was; they begged us not to be another single mom, even if how many times boyfriends kept saying, “I love you.”
If you are interested in this subjects and want to find out more, go to www.pregnantteenhelp.org, or search teenage pregnancy.
-447 words.
Your use of quoted dialogue is effective Esther, but I wonder why you switch from singles to doubles and back? They should all be doubles! I think, with an edit for grammar, this piece is ready.
Laoshan Mountain (the third draft)
Everyone who visits the beautiful harbor city Qing-Tao would visit Laoshan Mountain. And everyone who visits Laoshan Mountain would dream to see the Upper Taoism Abbey. It is not only for its wonderful landscape but also for the famous legend of the fairy lady, “Purple snow”, written by the great writer Pu song-ling three hundred years ago.
In an early summer day, we climbed Laoshan. Beside the trail, trees were thick. Between the clefts and huge boulders, the clear spring water ran their way. The shadows of trees and the refreshing mountain breeze made us feel the summer hadn’t come here yet. Laoshan Mountain was a special chilly world in this time.
The trails leaded us to the top. In the way, we met creeks many times. Luckily, some glacier boulders lied on the stream benefiting for our crossing. However sometimes we’d rather like to wade across for the water was so cool.
While the trail turned into the ravine. It was quiet like an area untouched. Only one or two bird chirpings broke this perpetual tranquil.
”Purple snow, how are you. I’m coming to see you!”--suddenly Xiao Xie shouted. Then his sound echoed in the valley back and forth many times. “Are you crazy? Xiao Xie.”—another one teased him aloud and the echoes responsed once more.
Before we saw, we heard the sound of rushing water. Turned around the cliff, I felt the deliciously cool that the misty spray from the fall on my skin. Water tumbled over the rocks and formed a deep pool under its foot. This wonderful place invited us to rest and have a snack.
We freshened again after snacking. Some searched around to find berries and wild fruits. Xiao Xie swam and splashed in the pond. I stood on a huge cliff to have a good sight-seeing. Surveying down the trail that we trudged, I stunned that the following hikers were just small as ants climbing the tree. The East China Sea waved in horizon, and the Laoshan Mountain loomed behind up to the cloud sky.
Ascended on and on. Among the luxuriant green pines and the mist, the famous Upper Taoism Abbey was insight.
Unexpectedly, the Abbey was so simple both in shape and colour, far from a palace. It more liked a common cottage – the black brick wall with the stone tiles. A limpid pond crippled in the yard and some ancient trees surrounded around. A mulberry tree attracted our attention, for a big stone tablet stood by, signed “Purple Snow”. Hundreds years later, her canopy still flourished enough. Some admirers took photos with her; Xiao Xie was the one. The mysterious love story caused so much imagination in mind generation and generation. Hundreds years over, none had a chance to meet this beautiful fairy lady. But the yard and the tree reminded the pilgrims of her.
Turned out the central yard, I met a Taoism priest.
”Why this Abbey is so different from the majesty Wu -dang Mountain Abbey?—that’s grand as a palace! “ I asked.
“Wu-dang was built by the Emperor of Ming dynasty for showing his subjects he promoted Taoism. But ours embodies the true qualities of the Taoism—simple and nature.“
On the summit, the feeling was like that I were the peak of this majesty mountain. The white clouds floated leisurely above, and the boundless East China Sea in the distant. What vast scenery the great nature was! In this eternal, the question through the ages welled up: “who am I?”
Words: 589
" War,
the answer on Global Crisis?"
“What do you think it is that we need in order to be saved from this Global Financial Crisis?”
Asked the old man while we were waiting for the bus to arrive.
“We need something like the invention of fire, or maybe a technology that will surpass the abilities of the computer,” I replied.
“Yes, something like that can save us, but kid, Einstein has been dead for a long time,” he said laughing. “But, you know what? The only thing that can change the world right now as it, and make every country powerful and stable is the big three letter word, WAR!”
“War?” I asked, wondering how could it change the world.
“Huh! You know what kid, war saved the Americans from the Great Depression in back in World War-I and in World War-II and it sure can save them again in a World War-III. War is Business, War is Money.”
I honestly do not know how war saved the economic and financial stability of America. I don’t know how they make money from it. Maybe from the natural resources of the country they’d occupy, such as oil depots? Or , maybe by selling war weapons and machines? Or maybe how they use the local force of the country, their army, and their entire manpower for their own benefits, just like what they did on Filipinos on World War II when they fought with the Japanese forces? I wouldn’t know, I’m not American. But there is one thing I know , another World War must not be allowed to happen.
“If War would arise in the middle of the crisis, countries will surely fall for it. Ones again they will side with one another and will start forming alliances. The thing is, it is going to be catastrophic.
The modern war would be mass destruction, nuclear weapons and bio-chemicals like, let’s say, maybe, anthrax will be used and as we all know, they can easily wipe out a large part of the worlds human population, land fields, water resources and other living organisms .”
“Good answer kid,” he said while tapping my shoulder, as if he’s telling me that I’ve guessed what was on his mind. “But, They all have got to happen. In order for things and lives to be restored, things and lives has to be destroyed. In order for us to reach a successful future, we have to overcome an unforgettable past.”
“How can you say that? Are you crazy? Even you and your love ones may die in this war, and you still think that it is the right thing to do? And how could someone possibly move on after series of nuclear and bio-chemical attacks all over the globe?”
“I will tell you exactly how it will end. The weak countries and its people would vanish from the face of the earth, and all that will remain from them is their wretched, value-less soil and maybe, just maybe, a few survivors with mental or physical deficiencies. At the end only the strong will survive. The power would be in the hands of the remaining nations.”
“That is surely one of the maddest things I’ve ever heard, next to Bible’s Book of Revelation.”
“Like I said kid, they’re all written and has to be fulfilled,” the old man said, as if he had already lived in the future. “ Oh. Yah, I almost forgot, do you have two dollars? I have no money for the bus fare.”
I gave him a dollar.
“Thanks kiddo! May God Bless You!” He said while running away, going towards the group of people getting off the bus on the opposite side of the street.
And just like that, our conversation ended.
Nabha
This place is design like a cabbage. Even though I born and raised in this ancient old town. I get confused to think about the enriched culture which folds one after other. A small historic city, called Nabha situated south of Punjab. I lived there until I finished my post graduation.
There is an old most important building is called Heera Mahal,a palace. It is the residence of the royal family, and is situated at the heart of the city. It is an old building made of small red bricks. This huge building is surrounded by another building named Qila Mubarak, a secure place for the royal family. On the boundaries of the Qila starts a beautiful park called Heera Park. It also boasts a beautifully crafted statue of King Heera Singh. The Qila is covered by forest, and there are many animals like black deer, turtles, monkeys, peacocks, and snakes. There is a tunnel that starts from Heera Mahal and is attached to Heera Palace to the entire city, but it is a restricted place. Only royal family and government officers can go through this tunnel. Across the forest in the new Nabha there are no royal reflections anymore.
New Nabha is developing in industries and education. New Nabha was the first city in Punjab to manufacture more than 20, 000 harvest combines every six months. The factory of Glaxo Smith Kline is in new Nabha. New Nabha is busier than the old Nabha. I never saw this city sleep when I was there. People love to honk at each other and even use it as a greeting. In India, honking is not rude. People even honk when they are traveling on a winding road for safety. People are very friendly and they love to talk. After a long conversation they may still not know each others name but before departing always ask each other‘s name.
New Nebha is the most important city in Punjab, and is secured by five doors like many other cities of India. In Nabha these are named Patiala Gate, Alhoran Gate, Duldi Gate Mehs Gate and Bouran Gate. There is a colony named Purani Nabhi, which is a veritable mage of narrow winding alleys which astonish you by emerging at the most unexpected places. Some streets are so narrow that a car can not pass through. The streets are filled with dogs, cats, and cows.
Nabha is justly famous for its delicious winter time sweets. Sweets like, Gajarpak, which is like carrot fudge and Bhugga, which is like sesame fudge. Nabha’s all season favorite sweet is Khasta kachori, (lentil filled pastry balls) which are prepared by local shopkeepers.
Old Nabha and new Nabha are different than each other, but it is a wonderful place, where you can see the coexistence of old and new.
(Second draft, I still want to make it better than this if I can)
Choosing love over Death
“I would rather die than to stay away from you.” Would you say such phrase to someone who could kill you at any minute? Would you risk everything you have including your live to stay with a beloved one who is not human and though choosing to stay with him or her, is like choosing death?
Set in Forks, a small rainy city in Washington, Stephenie Meyer’s novel “Twilight” is the story of a seventeen year-old girl who falls in love with a mysterious guy who turns out to be not human.
When Isabella “Bella” Swan moves from Phoenix, Arizona to live with her father in Forks, she sees a handsome boy named Edward Cullen at school and feels a strong attraction to him. Then she learns that he is from a vampire family who called themselves “vegetarian” because they drink animal blood instead of humans. They both fall in love with each other, while Edward struggles with his instinct not kill Bella by drinking her blood.
In one scene, the Cullens invite Bella to a baseball game, but because of her clumsiness, Bella decides to be an audience instead. During the game, three vampires from a different coven (who drink human blood) give the Cullens an unexpected visit, leaving them no time to hide Bella, the only human there.
James, the head of the other coven is very drawn to drinking Bella’s blood, and he, seeing the Cullens hover over just a simple human who is a prey to him, makes the whole thing his “favorite game”. That is where Bella’s trouble begins. Will the Cullens be able to save her or will James have her as a snack?
This book shows us that love is irrational and that the choice of staying with that beloved one can be risky in some situation. Twilight is the most popular book I have read and it is very easy to read despite its size. There is also a movie with the same title, but many scenes in the book were not in the movie version. People who love vampire and romance should read this book.
358 words
The Cubic Life
“All of you should learn from and appreciate Xiao Qiang. He maintained the discipline without going to toilet during class-time although he peed in his pants. . . ” the teacher said.
Lily couldn’t help tittering on her seat by hearing this.
“And you, Lily, you didn’t wear your uniform again. Stand in the middle of the yard! Now! I hope this will help you remember it next time.”
Seven-year-old Lily stood outside watching the catkins drifting from place to place; feeling the spring wind gently stroking her face. She felt so delighted than sitting inside the dark box.
Having an IQ of 150 and remaining fast-learning didn’t make Lily in favour of most of her Chinese teachers.
In grade three, Lily was once detained by her teacher till 10pm for talking without permission. When Lily’s mom picked her from school, she didn’t scold Lily as the teacher expected. This indifferent attitude towards Lily’s “bad behaviours” provoked the teacher. After that, she was criticised for any possible reasons for her hair, clothes or homework and declared --“a hopeless, bad apple” and her mom—“an irresponsible parent”.
After entering secondary school: Lily got troubles for breaking class disciplines, refusing wearing school uniforms, having brotherly relationship with boys, punching ear holes and not finishing extra homework.
She suffered for being herself. She didn’t join the Communism League when everybody did in high school—this almost failed her to become the Chairwoman in university. The instructor made her join it one month before the election and this time, she compromised.
Being a Chinese means she has to choose between her personal freedom and the adaption to the environment. She’s supposed to be obedient only. No exception is accepted or expected. The best personality in is no personality. Wearing, talking, thinking . . . anything different may cause extra attention or criticizing, even a disaster.
The Water Cube –Chinese National Aquatic Center is a perfect symbolism for Chinese society. Individually, everybody is squeezed into a shaped, cubic box contributing together into a massive cube -- the whole society –harmonic and easily to be ruled.
After graduated from university, Lily was arranged a permanent job in a governmental company by her parents. She resigned within two years and set up her own business—benefited from her “bad personality”, she did well. She still had to face many “cubic people”. Sometimes she thought she escaped. But it wasn’t true. She found was still inside, in a different layer only. The cubes outside were bigger therefore she could extend slightly. This structure is so unshakable and steady.
When Lily moved to Canada, she found Canadians are very free and unshaped. But soon, she realized Chinese might never be able to enjoy the same wildness and rawness. Having such a high population density, without robbery from other countries or replying on some charity groups, everybody has to be “cubic” so the benefits of the country and the survival of the one fifth earth population can be guaranteed.
Now Lily loves and misses China more than ever. Seeing far away from another side of the earth, she’s attracted by Chinese artificial, orderly beauty.
525 words
Tea Tour
Like most Chinese people, I like drinking tea, Chinese tea. In my leisure time, one of my favorite things is to make tea using the purple clay ceramic pot. It is such a stress reliever and an enjoyment while holding an exquisite cup, smelling the full aroma of fresh tea and taking a sip.
Chinese people like tea. Wherever Chinese go, the custom of drinking tea follows.
According to the different methods by which it is processed, Chinese tea may be classified into five categories. They are: green tea, oolong tea, black tea, compressed tea, and scented tea. Among them, many foreigners are familiar with the green tea. The Long Jing tea, of the green type, has a reputation both at home and abroad. And people have relish for its fantastic smelling, the delicate tasting, as well as the lovely shape.
Tea plays an important role in Chinese social and emotional life. Tea is offered to a guest immediately entering a Chinese home. This is a way of showing respect of a visitor. If someone makes a mistake, and he wants to show his regret and asks for other's understanding, he may pour a cup of tea to them. In the traditional Chinese marriage ceremony, both the bride and groom sever tea to their parents to express their gratitude.
Chinese tea culture not only expresses drinking, but also tasting. Tea drinking is for refreshment and tonic effect, but tea tasting is a higher level drinking. It doesn’t only satisfy one's thirst, but people enjoy a tea course. Tea and tea wares should match surrounding elements such as breeze, bright moon, pines, bamboo, and snow. All these show the ultimate goal of Chinese culture: the harmonious unity of human beings with nature.
Modern studies in benefits of Chinese tea have found that Chinese tea contains a considerable sum of chemical substances, which can improve the immune system, slow down aging, lower blood cholesterol and blood pressure and even prevent cancer. While another bites an apple saying one apple a day keeps the doctor away, I will drink my tea saying one cup a day keeps worry away.
hi guys, I still proudly post this one here for those of you who never visted Beijing. This is not my best writing, but I hope this can show you how wonderful this city is. And if you are visiting Beijing one day in coming future, if I were there, I promise you I would guide you and take you to see Beijing--my Beijing, and make you fall in love with her. LOL!
Beijing-- My Hormone
The aircraft was slowly landing at Beijing Airport. Watching out of the window, the busy road and orderly cubic houses became bigger and bigger. The time when the plane landed, my tired, floating heart landed too. Stepping outside the airport, the mingled smell and the restless crowds devoured me. Our friends were waving and smiling from far away. The warm happiness was rising from the bottom of my heart. This was my Beijing, my home.
Driving home on the highway—six driving lanes in both direction—from the airport to downtown, for six months without seeing Beijing, she changed a lot. We passed the Bird Nest; particularly. The iron monster stilly stared at me, like how I stared it. Countless vehicles drifted on street and we joined them, like a handful of dust being poured into desert. The skyscrapers stood besides the street, more than before I left.
We were too excited to felt any tiredness even after a 12-hour-flight. Eating started immediately. Beijing is such a city for anybody to find their food. No matter typical Beijing roasted duck or traditional hotpots; no matter four AMin or three PM. No one gets starved in Beijing. Fangzhuang and Guijie are the two hottest areas for Beijinger’s favourite restaurants gathering one by one. No one can really tell how many restaurants available in Beijing. From western to eastern, from Muslim to vegetarian, you can change food type from all over the world without repeating for years.
After dinner, we wanted to sing badly. My throat was itchy for keeping quite for half a year. There were some new karaokes opened with better equipments. It was difficult for my Canadian friends to imagine one Karaoke could have hundreds rooms and buffet areas in each floor. Party Word is one of those places. Rooms aren’t small like cells in Vancouver. We—twelve people opened a party room—big enough for us to dance and sing, even to sleep. I was out of date for sure, but my friends ordered only old songs gently for us.
The second day mom took me to foot massage as we did ritually before I left. Soaking my feet into the herbal soup until my body stated sweating, I relaxed totally. The green tea savory made me fall into sleep. My feet weren’t treated nicely for long time except I bared them and walked on rocky beach in Vancouver.
Having a mug of latte beside the “Back Sea”—a manmade lake as a part of royal garden and meeting my schoolmates was a quiet enjoyment, even though it wasn’t the season for lotus blossoming.
I used to travel a lot, but never as long as this time. Feeling like an outsider in other cities made me homesick within three days after leaving Beijing. I slept best with the night noises and the polluted air of Beijing. Like hormones can make women relaxed and comfortable, Beijing is my hormone
490 words
Learning From Birds
"Good morning!" "Hello!" Every morning our neighbor trained the parrot to speak in his back yard. He made unremitting effort, but the bird never said a word! As a little girl, I was very curious to see what would happen.
After several months, the neighbor got frustrated and angry: "Why didn't you say a word? Say, good morning! Stupid!" Afterwards, every morning he said same words to the bird as a greeting: "Good morning, stupid!" It is quite evident that the neighbor had already given up his intention.
In a summer morning, a flock of children in the neighborhood entered the neighbor's backyard in an ecstasy of delight to tease the parrot. We completely surrounded the cage and made fun of the parrot. We laughed loudly and copy the neighbor's voice: "Good morning." Unexpectedly, the parrot spoke in a standard Mandarin: "Stupid!"
Everyone laughed heartily at the bird's marvelous response, and the neighbor was overjoyed at the parrot's sound of voice. After speaking, the bird turned round and was immersed in silence again.
In China, we have an idiom: "Repeat another person's words like a parrot." It's a negative definition about being a “yes-man” of others without any ideas and thoughts of their own or being an “echo” of a man of authority for profit.
But, in my mind, everything has its good and bad sides. I have some positive thoughts about parrots by the impression from the bird. What a proper response it was in that situation! It seems that the bird react to the children on purpose. A good word is timely no matter it is repeated from others or not. A timely word is more effective than those wise and brilliant ideas spoken in wrong time and at wrong place.
Sometimes, people have to exactly repeat and cope other's speaking like a parrot. Learning English is a good example.
In China, my textbook taught me to answer "not at all" after "thank you." When I came to Canada, I realized that the proper answer should be "you are welcome." Don't waste time to ask "why" and "how." Leave the question for linguists. Just repeat and cope those words: "Oh, boy!" "Oops!" and "Its not...no more!"
My son came to Canada with me at the same time, but his English is much better than me. The reason is that, as a child, he never hesitate to repeat or copy other's speaking, wording, pronunciation, and even tone. I have found that people whose English are better all are a little bit "parrot type" persons. They are good at imitation and never shame for repeating and copying others. If you hope to learn English well, you should learn from parrots first!
-451 words
The Hai-He River
My hometown has a particularly beautiful river named Hai-He, flowing dreamily through the city and down the sea. As the sightseeing place, it attracts many visitors every year, and people often awe by the enchantment of the river view.
The river looks like a long green lifeblood making the city charming. The water is clear and green, which always peacefully fills the river full. The breeze slightly keeps on stroking the waves, sparkling and making sounds of lapping against the bank. Along the river-banks, there are many parks variously decorating with the tall and thick trees; they are birds home. When nights come, all lamps along the banks are lit up brightly, and their shadows, like thousands of tiny full-moons, are thrown on the dark-green water, the river becomes a light-river brilliantly against the dark-blue sky.
Fifteen old bridges in different styles, which are still using on the river, consist of the unique bridges museum. All of them are well-maintained by the city government. They are the witnesses to the city growing, and the samples of the bridge construction in the early time. Beside each of the bridges, there is a stone inscription that tells the bridge’s age, the builders, and the history events happened on the bridge. All these bridges are the shining points on the river.
Because the end part of the river flows into the sea, the river named Hai-He. The Chinese word “Hai” means the sea, and the word “He” means the river, so the river named “Hai-He”, for the description of the river associating with the sea. Owing to the ratio of the high sea-salt of the sea water, between the river and the sea, there is a clear water line--- the one side is the green water and the another side is the blue one. Gazing out at the Hai-He estuary, the river is the limpid green and the sea is the calm blue---world is at peace and mellow.
The Hai-He river has always fascinated my hometown’s people. Using the river’s name “Hai-He” as company or organization’s name has become the fashion. I have heard an association named “Hai-He” in Vancouver, and I know the members are all from my hometown; they are the same as me---the fondness for the Hai-He river.
----383 words
(second draft with more interesting beginning)
Old Hometown - Shanghai
“You will die tomorrow,” my bully friend told me, “at the midnight.”
“I don’t believe it.” I cried, but somehow I do believe it as a child of seven-year-old. With the fear of death, I run back home, sobbing. I said good-bye to my beloved cat. As the night draw near,
I was sure it was my last moment. I didn’t tell my parents since they would worry. I requested to sleep with my mom that night, and that was my last wish.
My home and playground were made of stone, the stone brisk alley, stone gate and even the well.
I used to hang a bucket all the way down to the bottom to pick up the underground water. The water was so cool in the hot summer, and we used it to cool down the watermelon when “fridge” has never been heard of.
When city built the road, half of our alley was converted; half of my playmates were gone together with the fun memories of “hide and seek”, “pirate and beauty”. Twenty three years later, the rest of the alley was torn down by the ruthless caterpillar trailers; the place has been turned into central business district in shanghai. The old lady who lived at the edge of the road slipped down the stairs and died as the developer was urging her to leave. My grandfather died in the hospital exactly one day before the news of destruction. Some old folks destined to belong to this old land. Maybe, that was also where my heart belonged too.
The traditional architecture, “Shi Ku Men”, is made of stone gate and black wooden door. It is usually two storeys tall, above each gate, carved stone bridge like frame has been placed. Inside the frame, there is the name of each house. The place I lived called “Zhi Yuan Fang”: it means your ambition will be great. I still remember the name of my neighbour is “RengJu”: it means the dwelling of the virtue.
Behind each door, a wooden latch bar fitted in a slot is placed. The door will be closed by the older in the house after dinner time, but you don’t need to knock to have somebody open the door for you in case you come home late. In fact, there is a small hidden box on the door, and you just need to stick your hand into the box and slide the latch from the slot from behind the door. It may be not that safe, but the grating sound between stone and wood door reminds every one on the dark night that somebody is coming. In Fact, the street is completely quiet when everyone went to bed before ten o’clock, and you would not miss the chance to wake up after the rooster declares the dawn, and everyone started making the noise of morning routine at six in the morning.
We used to have freedom of my childhood. I still remember going on a night trip at grade six with my classmate around the walled city. I went on a first date at grade seven with a boy on hot summer night, walking all together; let imagination fly with the conservation – intimacy.
Walking on the stone bricked little alley, I could see the warm home light at the second floor. Realizing the home will be always there for me, that is what the child ever needed, and it was given.
579 words
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