Here's where you can post your work in progress for comment and correction. Now that we've started, how might a character reveal him or her self through the details noticed? Read the snippet of Carol Shields' setting description carefully. If you dare, copy her rhythms and structures to come up with your own version. I did this in class one time and it worked quite well. What do you think?
"A brisk breeze entered from the windows, the fluorescent lights humming above the diligent, hard-working students. The room was spacious; it could only have been in an old Canadian high school, a place of wooden tables, plastic chairs, posters pinned to the walls, echoing voices of teachers." —written by Brad Hyde with ideas from the students.
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26 comments:
This setting looks like the students studied in the classroom at the PALC night school during the the season of Spring, Summer or Autumn.The teacher is teaching in the front stage.
Ben:
Yes, teaching is a stage job, it's sure. Unfortunately, the description is for our former classrooms, much more spacious than our portables!
Hi,
staying at home in Okanagan last weekend, I seriously observed the cozy kitchen.
*my own version*
"The smell of the sulfur water floated in the air. The sun beam through the large rectangular windows reflected the high wooden ceiling and the beige walls, producing a warm, sunny spot on the counter. The room is soothing; the rural scenery by the windows could have eased a hectic life, a vast green hay yard, a background of the bare rocky mountains, lively apple orchards, lofty old pine woods against the brilliant blue sky."
By the way, my profile has been visible, sorry for being delay, Brad.
Very nice set of details, Ritsuko. See my suggestions below.
"The smell of the sulfur water floated in the air. The sun beam [ed] through the large rectangular windows[,] reflect[ed –ing] the high wooden ceiling and the beige walls, producing a warm, sunny spot on the counter. The room is soothing; the rural scenery by the windows [could have eased; make one verb: “eases”] a hectic life,[—] a vast green hay yard, [a background of the—omit] bare rocky mountains, lively apple orchards, lofty old pine woods against the brilliant blue sky."
Hi Brad. If I remember correctly this is the place we can put our writing for you to critque? Not a question that I formed very well... sorry.
It's past nine, gotten dark. The lights inside of starbucks cast a rosy glow, softening edges and preceptions. A gentleman holds the door for me. Rich aroma of coffee and baked goods assault the senses. Walk past the condiments stand, spilt cream, sugar and icing mixed with the faint odor of garbage overdue to be emptied. The cieling high shelves ammassed on the wall are lined with cups,thermos's,coffee and latte machines. Theres even board games. Long line of impatient, caffiene deprived humans of varied description wait to order thier fix. The deserts behind the glass are entertaining. I imagine the biscotti bowing it's regal head in response to it's standing ovation. The banana crunch bar is waltzing with the rasberry danish and the pumpin loaf stands in the corner sulking. Shaken rudley from my reverie; "Ya wanna buy something?" "Over priced coffee with attitude please." I may buy an Ella Fitzgerald cd, but i'll have to consider it. This is only a thought. The barrista already seems in a foul mood.
Well, thats what I got so far. The more I write the more I want to change or add things. I'm loving this class.
Stacey,
My comments inside your text:
It's past nine, gotten dark. [already dark] The lights inside of s[S]tarbucks [a brand name so a capital] cast a rosy glow, softening edges and preceptions. [perceptions] A gentleman holds the door for me. [A] Rich aroma of coffee and baked goods assault[s] the senses. [kind of contradictory: the “rich” with the “assault”; do you mean that?] Walk past the condiments stand, spilt cream, sugar and icing mixed[s] with the faint odor of [overflowing] garbage [overdue to be emptied.—omit] The ceiling [ceiling] high shelves amassed [amassed—seems a bit odd to say that; try another word?] on the wall are lined with cups, thermos's, coffee and latte machines. Theres [There are] even board games. Long line of impatient, caffiene [caffeine]-deprived humans of varied description [why not describe them; it’d be fun!!] wait to order their fix. The deserts [desserts] behind the glass are entertaining. [I’m not sure if following works for me; all the personification I mean] I imagine the biscotti bowing it's [its] regal head in response to it's [its; a possessive pronoun here and not “it is” check by reading it as “it is” to be sure] standing ovation. The banana crunch bar is waltzing with the raspberry danish and the pumpkin loaf stands in the corner sulking. Shaken rudely from my reverie; "Ya wanna buy something?" [id speaker] "Over priced coffee with attitude please." [did the character really say that?] I may buy an Ella Fitzgerald cd, but I'll have to consider it. This is only a thought. The barrista already seems in a foul mood.
Well, thats what I got so far. The more I write the more I want to change or add things. I'm loving this class.
Glad to hear you are Stacey! Me, too . . .
I was gonna write sooner, but you know, this setting writing is hard.
I tried on a bathroom in the hospital:
Bright whiteness strikes me as I flip the switch by the door, every square of tiles sparkling with a fluorescent light high above. The bathroom is spacious and impeccably spotless; it almost refuses anyone to enter and to touch on the fixtures, shiny porcelain of a bathtub, a stainless steel facet, and a mirror without a cloud or splutters from a tooth brush.
Another version, with a person:
She thought she was going to faint. The bathroom’s bright whiteness was overwhelming, and every square of the tiles sparkles with a fluorescent light high above. Momentarily she was envious of its impeccable cleanliness: how could anyone have such a bathroom? Perfectly spotless, the fixtures, which include shiny porcelain of the bathtub, a stainless steel facet, a mirror without splutters from a tooth brush, all seemed to refuse to be touched. They must be polished a few times a day, she thought, with a disinfectant. She took a deep breath and decided that this great whiteness was, after all, institutional.
I’m not sure I expressed her feeling well enough, though.
And I’m still working on the coffee shop one.
Our home is a piece of sweet land where we can rest,and release our travelling memories. We live in a small bright townhouse with a cozy yard. Each of our windows facing to the South-East. In winter, the sun leaves its gorgeous steps in each corner of our rooms. In summer, our two big trees in the yard transform their luminous leaves into two magical umbrellas, which comfort us from the heat. What a joy sitting there and reading my favourite books! My home is a corrider to connect me from the present to the past; therefore, I display a plethora of souvenirs from where I have been and from where my friends have been. I hang them on the wall or expose them on the buffet. Most of these souvenirs are tea sets from all over the world. In this beautiful season, we like to invite friends to our place to share a piece of sweet time in this sweet land. Our home makes our daily life a peaceful pleasure.
Dear Brad,
I am not sure if I can come to class tomorrow. Anyway, I will try my best. Thank you.
Have a wonderful class in a beautiful "summer" afternoon!
Helena
Hi All,
Since a good number of you have posted here for comment, I've decided to copy them off and present them to the class for critique and comment. I'll participate, too, of course.
While the summer sunset was showing up its red- pink shadow over the west Frazier River, peoples were gathering to the Quay side of Frazier River. Some were coming with their kids- with bright smiles and laughing- and some were pairs. Kids’ giggling, middle-ages’ chatting and soft jazz music made the summer night more excite. At 10; 30 pm, the amazing fire work started. The summer night was covered with red, yellow, green sparks and the crowds’ exclamations-“Wahoo!”, “woo!” The food court at Quay was busy with line up peoples: shelves wasn’t much enough foods for waiting peoples who wanted hot coffees, some chocolate chips or blue berry yogurt muffins, no empty chairs and loudly sounds of waitress’ to call the orders.
One Setting
Kevin really doesn’t like here, his Mom and Daddy’s favorite restaurant—a Cantonese seafood restaurant.
The fishy smell that comes from the giant glass box with lots of fish makes here like a butcher shop; the fish’s innocent eyes stare at him as if beg him to save them from the glass coffin; the loud talking around their table sounds like the scream from the roller coaster in Disney Land.
He just wants to escape with Olivia, his little sister. They all prefer to have a happy meal in McDonald.
Hi Choi,
Nice description of a summer night! I can picture the scene and the excitement of the crowd very clearly.
Maybe the first sentence is a bit too long? Since the focus of the setting is a night of fireworks, the introduction could be brief, like: As red-pink shadow cast over Frazier River, people were gathering at the Quay. (But this might be too short!)
“summer” is used three times, and you could omit two of them because the reader already knows it’s summer.
Love crowd’s “Woo!” I can hear them.
“night was covered” →”sky was covered” would be better because it gives more focus. And here’s a grammar thing, since the sky couldn’t be “covered” with “exclamations”, I go: The sky was covered with red, yellow, green sparks, and the crowd’s oohs and ahhs echoed in the night. (oohs and ahhs? Can I say that? It has red underlines of a spell check!)
“wasn’t much enough foods” →”were almost empty” makes it stronger.
Catherine,
As you might already know, I like the setting with some emotions; I like yours very much.
Just that, “a butcher shop” doesn’t quite smell “fishy”, so maybe another simile? I know what you want to say, both stores slaughter animals and smell kinda icky....
Love “glass coffin”!
And “like the scream from the roller coaster”.
“prefer” is a tentative word, so, to make it more stronger, you could say:
They’d rather have Happy Meal at McDonald’s. Or,
They wanted to run away to McDonald’s for Happy Meal.
(a happy meal is Capital? Is it countable like “a happy meal” or “happy meals”? I’m not sure.)
You know, this critique thing? You could take what you agree with and just dismiss what you don’t agree, saying, “I don’t know what she’s talking about!”
Choi:
Some suggestions in the brackets below.
While the summer sunset was showing up its red- pink shadow over the west Frazier River, peoples were gathering to the Quay side of Frazier River. [The summer sunset cast a pink shadow on the Fraser River. People were gathering by the side of the Quay] Some were coming with their kids- with bright smiles and laughing- and some were [in] pairs. [lovely!] Kids’ giggling, middle-ages’ chatting and soft jazz music made [filled] the summer night [more excite-tells so omit]. At 10; 30 pm, [just “at 10:30”] the [amazing-tells] fire work [fireworks] started. The summer night was covered with red, yellow, green sparks and the crowds’ exclamations-“Wahoo!”, “woo!” [good detail in sound!] The food court at [the] Quay was busy with line up peoples [People lined up at the food court . . . Use active voice more than passive]: shelves wasn’t much enough foods for waiting peoples who wanted hot coffees, some chocolate chips [chocolate chip cookies] or blue berry yogurt muffins, no empty chairs and loudly [loud] sounds of waitress’ to call the orders.
I’m with Hiromi. You’ve done well to picture the scene. Pay attention to structure, of course, and continue to work with the details.
Catherine: You probably didn’t need to provide the intro below. It’s obvious! Trust the details to show us (and they do!) Hiromi may be right: Happy Meal© is a trade name. We do have to respect the registered names (such as Kleenex etc.) and give them capitals. My comments or corrections in brackets below.
Kevin really doesn’t like here, his Mom and Daddy’s favorite restaurant—a Cantonese seafood restaurant.
The fishy smell that comes from the giant glass box with lots of [filled with] fish makes here [the place seem] like a butcher shop; the fish’s innocent eyes stare at him as if [to] beg him to save them from the glass coffin [a lovely use of metaphor; I think the “butcher shop” may be ok as a simile]; the loud talking around their table sounds like the scream[s] from the roller coaster in Disney Land. [Disneyland]
He just wants to escape with Olivia, his little sister. They [would] all prefer to have a happy meal in [at] McDonald[‘s].
Hiromi:
Thanks for your suggestions! They are very helpful and useful for me.I enjoy learning English very much with you all.
A Cantonese Seafood Restaurant
Tony and his wife really like here, their favorite restaurant— a Cantonese seafood restaurant in Los Angeles.
The giant glass box filled with diverse fish, lobsters, and crabs simply looks like a small aquarium. The fishy smell always recalls his memory about the sea breeze of his hometown. Though people around their table talk very loudly as if hundreds of sheep cry simultaneously, “baa, baa, baa”, “baa, baa, baa”, his heart is happily dancing with this familiar music— Cantonese, his home language. Looking at the vivid picture menu, his mouth is watered.
Everything has changed since they came to America ten years ago, but only their taste would never ever be changed.
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Happy Thanksgiving and Mid-Autumn Festival to you all!
Catherine: Glad to see you experimenting with settings. For a short description, keep to a single simile (in my opinion). Again, you are using a “classic” paragraph structure where you give a topic first. Try just showing us and letting us experience Tony and his wife’s delight in the restaurant. We’ll know, based on your vivid descriptions!
Tony and his wife really like [it] here, their favorite restaurant— a Cantonese seafood restaurant in Los Angeles.
The giant glass box filled with diverse fish, lobsters, and crabs simply looks like a small aquarium. [Is it an aquarium? Is there water in it? If so, then why not, “Tilapia, flounder, lobsters and crabs fill a small aquarium.”? The fishy smell always recalls his memory about the sea breeze of his hometown. [How about: “The fishy smell smells like the sea breeze of his hometown.”] Though people around their table talk very loudly [simplify: Though people sound like hundreds of sheep crying “baa, baa, baa” ] as if hundreds of sheep cry simultaneously, “baa, baa, baa”, “baa, baa, baa”, his heart is happily dancing [dancing happily; lovely image] with this familiar music— Cantonese, his home language. [native tongue] Looking at the vivid picture menu [what pictures does he see?; show not tell], his mouth is watered [waters].
Everything has changed since they came to America ten years ago, but only their taste would never ever be changed.
The lush lofty Douglas firs go up in the sky. Green grass like carpet cover on some spaces. The fresh smell refreshes my spirit. Picnic tables dot among tress and grass; some tables with covers that function as gazeboes. Stone sculptures add it a lively scenery. Two woodpeckers persist in two tress, so that their carving have barely changed the shaped of the barks. Children are more interested in this live show than the nearby playground. The sun beams slide from leaves reducing the heat that make me feel sooth and conformatable. What an enjoyable life reading or walking under the shadow.
Suzanne (and all you writers, actually): Don’t over-rely on the adjective. Seek concrete and specific nouns and, especially, verbs. Suzanne does this with “dot” and “slide” in particular; I’d say “Bravo” and do it more! Try writing something without adjectives for practice.
The lush lofty Douglas firs go [reach for] up in the sky. Green grass like [a] carpet [cover on some spaces—vague; what spaces exactly?]. The fresh smell refreshes my spirit. [What did you smell; the trees or many things?] Picnic tables dot [good verb choice; use “are dotted’] among tress [trees] and grass; some tables with covers [that-omit] function as gazeboes. Stone sculptures add [it-omit] a lively scenery [scene]. Two woodpeckers persist in two tress-trees, so that their carving have [has] barely changed the shaped [shape] of the bark[s-omit]. Children are more interested in this live show than the nearby playground. [good detail!] The sun beams slide from leaves[,] reducing the heat that make[s] me feel sooth[ed] and conformatable [comfortable]. What an enjoyable life reading or walking under the shadow [of the giant firs—come back to the trees where you started.
Suzanne (and all you writers, actually): Don’t over-rely on the adjective. Seek concrete and specific nouns and, especially, verbs. Suzanne does this with “dot” and “slide” in particular; I’d say “Bravo” and do it more! Try writing something without adjectives for practice.
The lush lofty Douglas firs go [reach for] up in the sky. Green grass like [a] carpet [cover on some spaces—vague; what spaces exactly?]. The fresh smell refreshes my spirit. [What did you smell; the trees or many things?] Picnic tables dot [good verb choice; use “are dotted’] among tress [trees] and grass; some tables with covers [that-omit] function as gazeboes. Stone sculptures add [it-omit] a lively scenery [scene]. Two woodpeckers persist in two tress-trees, so that their carving have [has] barely changed the shaped [shape] of the bark[s-omit]. Children are more interested in this live show than the nearby playground. [good detail!] The sun beams slide from leaves[,] reducing the heat that make[s] me feel sooth[ed] and conformatable [comfortable]. What an enjoyable life reading or walking under the shadow [of the giant firs—come back to the trees where you started.
Correct my setting:
The lush lofty cedars and Douglas firs reach for up in the sky. Green grass like a carpet cover on sunny area. The aroma of cedar and evergreen refreshes my spirit. Picnic tables are dotted among trees and grass; some tables with covers function as gazeboes. Stone sculptures add a lively scene. Two woodpeckers persist in two trees,so that their carving has barely changed the shape of the bark. Children are more interested in this live show than the nearby playground. The sun beams slide from leaves, reducing the heat that makes me feel soothed and comfortable. What an enjoyable life reading or walking under the shadow of the giant trees.
The lush lofty cedars and Douglas firs reach for up in the sky. Green grass like a carpet cover on sunny area. {Grass, like a carpet, glows in the sun} The aroma of cedar and evergreen refreshes my spirit.{My spirit, refreshed by the aroma of fir and cedar trees.}Picnic tables are dotted among trees and grass; some tables with covers function as gazeboes. Stone sculptures add a lively scene. Two woodpeckers persist in two trees,so that their carving has barely changed the shape of the bark. {Woodpeckers attack two trees, barely changing the shape of the bark} Children are more interested in this live show than the nearby playground. The sun beams slide from [the]leaves, reducing the heat that makes me feel soothed and comfortable. What an enjoyable life reading or walking under the shadow of the giant trees.
Suzanne: I think "walking under the shadow of the giant trees" could be the beginning of a poem. Maybe you can write one later this year?
At The Grouse Mountain
The first winter break after I moved to Canada, I went to the Grouse Mountain. At the summit, I admired a typical chalet with white snow and inhaled the smell of burning firewood from the outdoor fireplace. The scent of smoky firewood mingled well with fresh cold air and it evoked memories of campfires in my youth- camp songs with my friends. The woody smoky scent was nostalgic for me.
Beside the fireplace, I enjoyed watching the flame of burning firewood. After the flame the firewood was burnt to ashes. The firewood has a philosophical meaning; all lives will be changed to ashes in a short time.
I couldn't be melancholy any longer because the sound of burning firewood made me feel pleasant. Well-dried firewood makes a pure cheerful sound. When the flame calms down the firewood crackles. The popping sound harmonized with the woody smoky scent and the ardent flame.
They soothed my exhausted mind and helped me keep the memory of the beautiful snowy Grouse Mountain.
Rosaria,
Rewrite this without using the first person pronoun. Take out words that indicate the emotion by telling" "admired," "evoked," "nostalgic" etc.
Emphasize the fire and the memory. "All life becomes ashes" is more succinct.
Something to work on. Take out the essay feel and substitute the emotion.
hi
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