Post them here! Thanks Natalia for your suggestion. Suzanne: we're eagerly anticipating your ghost story at the elementary school!
Here's the file of pieces we looked at in class today.
An interesting (fairly long) piece called On Good Writing
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Sorry, everybody:
I realized that my information was wrong after I asked my daughter this afternoon. She said that People still have seen the ghosts sometimes. Now I change my title to " A Haunted Castle"
Brad, I tried my best to reduce many words, but it still has 524. Please see my revision below:
A Haunted Castle
A haunted castle, believe it or not?
A haunted castle, Hatley, is located at Colwood, Victor, Vancouver Island. This magnificent castle was built between 1908 and 1910 which faced the Juan de Fuca Strait.
You may say, “Seeing is Believing”; however, people have seen various unbelievable phenomena happened around the castle since early 20 century till now. For example, a ghost bride wearing white wedding dress, a spirit man strolling around, even a candle moving along the beach by itself. All these phenomena appeared and disappeared right in front of people’s vision.
Later, the psychics not only detected the weird events by a kind of special instrument, but they also tried to record as many spooky sounds as possible. Psychics said in their opinion they did. Anyway, don’t worry about it, the spirits have never hurt anybody so far.
The original owner, Mr. Dunsmuir, was an extremely rich coal baron. He made his place a fascinating landscape, which included a magnificent castle, a natural forests, beautiful gardens, and preserved wetlands. All the plants and animals have thrived on this property which has become a magical place.
In front of the castle, a lovely garden has been created diverse shapes with small plants. A few steps were constructed in the corridor between the garden and the castle to mount horses. The rhododendrons blossom in two strips along the front wall. The colorful vines, burnt sienna, yellow ocher, emerald green, have clung on the castle wall. The atmosphere makes the monumental castle looks like a natural greenhouse.
A specimen of caribou head is located above the center of the lobby. Two specimens of big horn goats are arranged on either side of the caribou that indicates how Dunsmuir was an enthusiastic hunter, and they also look like the guards of the castle. The floor is embedded with an extinct but aromatic wood, Red Gum Jarrah, which was imported from Australia. The dining room with three long tables has bells for calling their servants. In one time, the forty room with two hundred servants that showed how luxurious was the lifestyle the Dunsmuir family enjoyed.
The ample living garden grow various beautiful flowers that bring aroma to the park. The coniferous and deciduous forests give people the feelings of nature. The preserved wetlands attract hundreds of bird species. “ Chi, Chi, Cha, Cha,----,” the birds chirps with the beautiful natural melodies, which soothe people’s auditory nerve. This amazing landscape near waterfront which makes the heritage a famous historic site.
The ghost bride was one of Dunsmuir’s servants. She committed suicide because her bridegroom failed to appear at the altar. The strolling spirit was one of Dunsmuir’s two sons, who was killed in the war. The moving candle had been observed by one of the principals in the Royal Road University. The tragedies and the weird happening had convinced people that it was a haunted castle.
Although it is now the campus of the Royal Road University, the ghosts still have appeared around the castle, according to people who work there. Can you believe it?
Hi Suzanne,
I think the intro could be really short. I want to get to the point sooner.
So, this is of course a bit too short, but the first three paragraphs can be summarized to something like:
A ghost bride with a white gown appears in the night. A dead man strolls around, and a candle floats in the air by the beach. That’s what people in Colwood on Vancouver Island claim to have seen. For a hundred years, the Hatley has been called a haunted castle.
The original owner, Mr. Dunsmuir, was a rich coal baron. . .
That’s what I think. But I’m waiting for your ghost story, too!
And my revision so far:
Letter to a Young Man Who Went the Distance
It was a rainy Saturday afternoon two years ago. Metrotown was crowded as usual, and the Real Canadian Superstore was even more horrific—too many shoppers and carts were on the floor. Squeezing my way through the aisles exhausted me.
Then I saw your beaming smile from a distance. I lined up at your casher right away.
I was a bit skeptical at first. The other cashiers looked tired, but you seemed unreasonably happy. What’s wrong with this guy?
But when my turn came and you spoke to me, I knew you were genuine.
“Hi, how’re you doing today?” you said. You were quick and efficient, scanning rhythmically.
“I have something new today,” you said, opening the cash register. And you handed me a shiny loonie—a new Terry Fox coin. It was then that Terry Fox coins had just started to circulate, and I had never seen one except on TV.
“My kids want this!” I cried.
“Yeah? How many kids?”
When I said three, you put five more brand-new coins in my palm. I was shocked.
“You made my day,” I blurted out, and you smiled a shy smile.
I felt like skipping when I left the store. It was incredible. And you know what? When I got home, I was a hero with the coins. I was happier and nicer for the rest of the day—and so was my family.
So thank you very much. I still remember the day.
By the way, I learned the idiom from a Disney movie, Hercules. It also has a song, “Go the Distance.”
Thank you, Hiromi. Now I make second revision, according to your advice.
2nd revision:
A Haunted Castle
A haunted castle, believe it or not?
A haunted castle, Hatley, has located at Colwood in Vancouver Island. It was built between 1908 and 1910.People have seen various unbelievable phenomena around the castle since early 20 century till now. For example, a ghost bride with white wedding gown appears nearby, a spirit man strolls around, even a candle floats in the air by itself. All these phenomena have convinced people that it is a haunted castle.
The original owner, Mr. Dunsmuir, was an extremely rich coal baron. He made his place a fascinating landscape, which included a magnificent castle, a natural forests, beautiful gardens, and preserved wetlands. All the plants and animals have thrived on this property which has become a magical place.
In front of the castle, a lovely garden has been created diverse shapes with small plants. A few steps were constructed in the corridor between the garden and the castle to mount horses. The rhododendrons blossom in two strips along the front wall. The colorful vines, burnt sienna, yellow ocher, emerald green, have clung on the castle wall. The atmosphere makes the monumental castle looks like a natural greenhouse.
Three animal specimens look like the guards of the castle. One caribou head is located above the center of the lobby. Two big horn goats are arranged on either side of the caribou. The display indicates how Dunsmuir was an enthusiastic hunter. The floor is embedded with an extinct but aromatic wood, Red Gum Jarrah. The dining room with three long tables has bells for calling their servants. In one time, the forty room with two hundred servants that showed how luxurious was the lifestyle the Dunsmuir family enjoyed.
The ghost bride was one of Dunsmuir’s servants. She committed suicide because her bridegroom failed to appear at the altar. The strolling spirit was one of Dunsmuir’s two sons, who was killed in the war. The floating candle was observed by one of the principals in the Royal Road University. The tragedies and the weird happening have become the background of the haunted castle.
Although it is now the campus of the Royal Road University, the ghosts still have appeared around the castle, according to people who work there. Can you believe it?
378 words in this revision
Brad and everbody, my ghost story is below:
Chasing After a Ghost
Do ghosts exist? Do they hurt people if they really exist? Let me tell you a true story.
In 1961, a small village located south of Taiwan, Tainan, where the busiest and crowded place was the big square in front of a temple. Taiwanese Dramas were the most popular entertainment; they were performed in a theatre beside the temple.
When the sun moved it path toward the horizon, the square would vibrate like a festival simultaneously. Many handcarts and portable stalls gathered there to start their businesses. There were various sellers; clothes, foods, herbs, toys, and even magic tricks were abundant in this regular market.
On a summer night at 9:00 pm, a 12-year-old girl, Sandy, finished her assignment in her neighbor’s home. The door was locked when she came back home, and she knew she had to wait for her parents in front of the theatre.
One of her neighbors, Mrs. Chen, who had a handcart reminded Sandy that there would be a crowd flowing out after the drama finished. Mrs. Chen persuaded Sandy to accompany her.
On the way home, they came to the gate of the elementary school. Mrs. Chen went to a store across the street to buy stationery for her son. Sandy sat on a fence beside the gate and looked in the direction of her home.
About 30 meters away from her, Sandy saw a hair shaved young man with khaki uniform. He was limping under a street lamp. Sandy was curious about this man because she had never seen him in the village. As soon as she tried to examining the guy, he suddenly became a black dog and ran into an alley just like a magic trick. Sandy swiftly skipped down from the fence and ran to the alley as fast as she could. She found nothing in the alley.
The weird phenomenon aroused her mind anyhow; she tried to get an explanation from her mother.
“God damn it! How can you chase after a ghost? You, silly girl,” Sandy’s mother blamed her loudly after the description.
“How can I know he is a man, a dog, a ghost, or a magician?” Sandy replied with a confused face.
“They can transform to the other species to attract you, and you will be killed by some kind of accident if you approach them,” Sandy’s mother explained, and she continued, “ the ghost will bring you bad luck since you have confronted him.”
Then the mother started the story that she had seen herself.
In 1949, a soldier was killed on the scene where the ghost showed up. The soldier had been standing on a moving military truck, and his neck was hooked by a street wire crossing. The wire threw him down on the ground and he died right there. Sandy’s mother told her what she had seen was the ghost soldier.
Sandy was afraid of going out or looking out in the night for a long time since then. However, she realized that ghosts could not hurt her after she grew up.
Hi Brad and everyone,
I was wondering about this topic...can I post my article here?
Mm...anyway, I'll post mine.
Good luck with your portfolios, everyone!
Simple Salsa and Guacamole
Summer in Osyoos is extremely hot like Mexico—I’ve seen many, small wild cactuses growing in my yard.
Under the glorious sunshine, I welcome my visitors with cold Mexican beers. While they relax at the gazebo, I prepare my original Mexican appetizer, simple salsa and guacamole, and serve it with crispy corn chips, soft tortillas, sour cream and a bottle of hot sauce.
My family and friends have been addicted to this appetizer. “Fresh and healthy!” they say. It helps a good appetite in hot days and cheers the guests at outdoor parties.
Ingredients –for 1 serving
1) Simple Salsa
1/3 bunch minced cilantros
2 minced tomatoes
1/2 minced onion
1 minced green papers
1-2 minced seedless jalapenos
1-1/2 lime cut half and half
1 tbsp grained fresh garlic
1-2tsp salts
Mexican chili powder (optional)
*Do not use food processors for chopping tomatoes and cilantros.
Mix altogether and squeeze the half lime.
2) Guacamole
2 avocados, peeled and mashed
1/2 lime
2 minced green onions
1 tsp grained fresh garlic
1 tsp salt
3/4cup Simple Salsa
Mexican chili powder (optional)
*Mix altogether and squeeze the half lime.
Hi, Brad, I had add more ending. How is it?
Hi everyone,I looking for your comments. See you.
A Curse In The Village
Tylor More lived in an isolated village with about 100 people for thirty years surrounded by a massive desert. Mysteriously, nobody in the village had ever stepped out of the desert. Villagers said there was a spell on them to stay in the village.
One day, Backey Smith, a brave reporter, visited the village and interviewed Tylor, “The tranquil village is lovely. Do you think the people are really satisfied living here without any interest to see the outside world?” Tylor gave a bizarre look and answered, “No! There is a curse on this village; we just can’t get out off the dessert, no matter how hard we try.”
“How come? Would you show me?” Backey asked.
The next day, they prepared to set out into the desert. Tylor led Backey and made marks along their ways, and they did this for four days. It was funny that they went round and round back to the village every time.
The fifth day, Backey said, “Tylor you need orientation to get out of the desert. Come and follow me.”
They prepared again, but this time they changed to travel at night time instead. They constantly face the North Star. They rested at day time.
.
A miracle occurred three days later. A splendid green land, a busy town revealed in front of them. Tylor was skipping on the lawn and humming a brisk song as he headed toward the town. The rapid cars, magnificent buildings, and efficient electricity system fascinated Tylor a lot. She decided to stay for few years.
Tylor became a heroine that he broke the spell when he went back to the village and had much to tell.
Things you don’t understand are mysteries or curses, if you know them, which become science or knowledge.
Second draft, 306 words
Hi Olivia,
I have some suggestions.
1. Check through the article and decide, please, who is Taylor -she or he?
2. I like your new ending, except ”efficient electricity system”.I think the efficiency hardly could be seen from a distance
3. With the new ending I would take out the last paragraph “Things….”
Good luck with your portfolio.
Natalia
Hi Natalia,
Thank you for your suggestion.
Here is my revision.
A Curse In The Village
Tylor More lived in an isolated village with about 100 people for thirty years surrounded by a massive desert. Mysteriously, nobody in the village had ever stepped out of the desert. Villagers said there was a spell on them to stay in the village.
One day, Backey Smith, a brave reporter, visited the village and interviewed Tylor, “The tranquil village is lovely. Do you think the people are really satisfied living here without any interest to see the outside world?” Tylor gave a bizarre look and answered, “No! There is a curse on this village; we just can’t get out off the dessert, no matter how hard we try.”
“How come? Would you show me?” Backey asked.
The next day, they prepared to set out into the desert. Tylor led Backey and made marks along their ways, and they did this for four days. It was funny that they went round and round back to the village every time.
The fifth day, Backey said, “Tylor you need orientation to get out of the desert. Come and follow me.”
They prepared again, but this time they changed to travel at night time instead. They constantly face the North Star. They rested at day time.
.
A miracle occurred three days later. A splendid green land, a busy town revealed in front of them. Tylor was skipping on the lawn and humming a brisk song as he headed toward the town. The rapid cars, magnificent buildings, and neon light fascinated Tylor a lot. She decided to stay for few years to discover the new world.
Tylor became a heroine that she broke the spell when she went back to the village and had much much to tell.
Second draft, 389 words
Is Flood Coming?
Recently, sandbags appeared along Fraser River bank at the New Westminster Quay. This year we received “unusually deep snow” on the mountains. If the snow melts in summer, we may have to face the prospect of flooding. But two local residents are optimistic for that, they said, “This place is safe.” (with pictures)
Catherine,
Are they correct about it being "safe." Maybe search Google News for BC Flood and see what you can find out.
I can add your results to make the article more informative. Try to find links to emergencey information, for example.
Olivia,
Try a grammar check on your prose, A Curse in The Village. Let me know what you find. Did it find any errors?
Suzanne,
Your piece, "Chasing After a Ghost" tells more often than it shows. If you took out the telling parts and let the action speak for itself, you could shorten by using a bit more dialogue, for example.
Hi,
Brad, I did check the grammar. But I am not sure what is wrong.
“A splendid green land, a busy town revealed in front of them” should it change to combining subject “A splendid green land and a busy town”.
Is Flood Coming?
Recently, sandbags appeared along the Fraser River bank at the New Westminster Quay. This year we received “unusually deep snow” on the mountains. We may have to face the prospect of flooding as the snowpack melts.
In the Lower Mainland, the Fraser River is rising rapidly and will continue to rise to about six metres at Mission, comparable to 1999 levels.
Two local residents are optimistic for that, they said, “This place is safe.”
But on June 1, Allan Chapman, head of the River Forecast Centre, said, “The next two to three weeks is the critical period with respect to flooding on most of the major rivers in the province.”
Olivia,
Yes, and also change "revealed" to "was revealed." As your dentist rant is published, this one can wait until a later date. Thanks for working hard on it!
Reision
A Curse In The Village
Tylor More lived in an isolated village with about 100 people for thirty years surrounded by a massive desert. Mysteriously, nobody in the village had ever stepped out of the desert. Villagers said there was a spell on them to stay in the village.
One day, Backey Smith, a brave reporter, visited the village and interviewed Tylor, “The tranquil village is lovely. Do you think the people are really satisfied living here without any interest to see the outside world?” Tylor gave a bizarre look and answered, “No! There is a curse on this village; we just can’t get out off the dessert, no matter how hard we try.”
“How come? Would you show me?” Backey asked.
The next day, they prepared to set out into the desert. Tylor led Backey and made marks along their ways, and they did this for four days. It was funny that they went round and round back to the village every time.
The fifth day, Backey said, “Tylor you need orientation to get out of the desert. Come and follow me.”
They prepared again, but this time they changed to travel at night time instead. They constantly face the North Star. They rested at day time.
.
A miracle occurred three days later. A splendid green land and a busy town was revealed in front of them. Tylor was skipping on the lawn and humming a brisk song as he headed toward the town. The rapid cars, magnificent buildings, and neon light fascinated Tylor a lot. She decided to stay for few years to discover the new world.
When Tylor went back the village, she became a heroine because she broke the spell.
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